A List of Things I’m Going to Do This Christmas

A List of Things I’m Going to Do This Christmas

1. Call Nessie
2. Don’t forget to wish Nessie a Merry Christmas
3. Avoid looking at her social media pages where everything just looks so perfect and pretty and just like how the Obamas would do it
4. Instead, try to emulate Nessie and her perfect Christmas
5. Wrap the gifts instead of just shoving them in gift bags
6. Figure out how to do that thing where you put a duck inside a turkey and then all of them go inside a pheasant and there’s raspberries underneath one of them, I think
7. Hang the lights
8. Buy a tree
9. Buy a real tree
10. Fight with Dennis over buying a real tree
11. Remind Dennis that a real tree smells nice and a fake one doesn’t
12. Buy one of those Christmas tree candles so Dennis can see what a difference a real Christmas tree makes
13. Google “Obama Christmas Tree” and decorate ours exactly like that one
14. Tell Dennis that the Obamas would never have a fake Christmas tree even though they’re not in the White House anymore, but make sure the Obama tree this year looks like the one from the third of fourth year when they were at the White House, because that was the really good year
15. Make sure the kids don’t open up all the advent calendar windows at once
16. Construct a gingerbread house
17. Write a note reminding yourself that Dennis Jr. is allergic to gingerbread so it’s going to have to be an Italian bread house this year
18. Google “How to Make an Italian Bread House”
19. Don’t shop on Amazon because Nicollette called from college and told us all about how bad Amazon is
20. You’re going to have to go to the mall
21. Get your doctor to prescribe you some anxiety medication
22. Don’t let your doctor tell you that you don’t have anxiety and you just need to do yoga unless she thinks yoga will help you lose fifteen pounds before Christmas in which case--
23. Sign up for a yoga class
24. Sign up for a hot yoga class
25. Sign up for the hot yoga class where they have the stripper poles and you get to dance to Earth, Wind, and Fire
26. Put on Christmas music
27. Yell at anyone who tries to turn Christmas music off
28. Hide all clothing that is not red, green, gold, or blue
29. Go on Google to see if blue is a Christmas color
30. Turns out it’s not, so now go hide all the blue clothing
31. Dennis Jr. is walking around wearing a blue sweater and he refuses to take it off and go upstairs to put on a green or red sweater
32. Threaten Dennis Jr. that Santa won’t be coming to any house where one of the kids is wearing a non-festive sweater
33. Listen to Dennis Jr. explain why the concept of Santa is illogical
34. Cry quietly in the downstairs bathroom with the water running while Josh Groban’s “O Holy Night” plays in the background
35. Call Nessie
36. Get a photo of Dennis Sr. kissing you under the mistletoe
37. Have Dennis Jr. take the photo
38. Explain to Dennis Jr. that there is nothing ‘gross’ or ‘creepy’ about a son taking a lovely photo of his parents kissing underneath mistletoe
39. Assure Dennis Sr. that, yes, that is mistletoe, and no, his wife did not fall for that scam where you buy mistletoe from the guy standing out in front of the 7-Eleven and it ends up being poison ivy
40. Lecture your husband on his mistrust of your intelligence
41. Google ‘How to Treat Poison Ivy’
42. Buy aloe
43. Call the oven repair man
44. Explain to Dennis Sr. that ‘Yes, we need to buy a new oven.  How else are we supposed to cook the chicduchant?’
45. Refuse to eat catered food on Christmas
46. Say you’ll throw yourself off the side of the house before you let somebody else cook Christmas dinner for you and your family
47. Try not to acknowledge how hard both Dennis’ laugh when you say this
48. Get a ladder to climb up on the roof
49. Oh my god, the roof is filthy.  Are roofs supposed to be this filthy?
50. And why is it ‘r-o-o-f-s’ instead of ‘r-o-o-v-e-s?’
51. Clean the roof before the over repairman stops by in case he goes up there and thinks you can’t keep a clean roof
52. Argue with the butcher when he doesn’t have any pheasant
53. Assure him that pheasant is a VERY common dish to make at Christmas
54. Let him know that his deli has never been the same since his father died twenty-three years ago and you will NOT continue to give him business in the New Year
55. Pretend you don’t hear the woman behind you refer to you as ‘A Holiday Bitch from Hell’
56. Key that woman’s car while she’s still in the deli
57. Wait in your car parked on the other side of the street to see her freak out when she gets her comeuppance
58. Realize you keyed the wrong car and drive away quickly before the police show up to take Father Davidson’s report
59. Google ‘Why do priests own cars anyway’ to make yourself feel better
60. Call Nessie
61. Call Nicolette and tell her that under no circumstances is she allowed to bring home that friend of hers from college who gets everybody all worked up with her political opinions
62. Support Nicollette when she tells you that girl is her fiance and let her know that one time in high school you touched Cathy McNaught’s left breast on a dare and sometimes you still think about it when you’re lonely and your husband’s in the garage working on his model airplanes
63. Figure out midway through your story that Nicollette has hung up on you and try to call her back
64. Leave a voicemail for Nicollette
65. Bake Christmas cookies from scratch using your grandmother’s recipe
66. Enjoy the fond memories you have of eating this cookies as a child
67. Since this is the first time you’ve actually taken a look at this little index card, try not to be too surprised when you see that your grandmother’s cookie recipe calls for a healthy amount of several kinds of liquor
68. Ask yourself if this is why you remember so few of your childhood Christmases
69. Make the cookies and replace the alcohol with extra chocolate syrup
70. Notice that the oven still isn’t working even though you paid through the nose to have the repair man come on Christmas Eve
71. Call the oven repairman and leave a scathing voicemail for him calling him every name in the book and cursing him, his family, and his Christmas
72. Realize that you were turning the knob the wrong way on the oven and that it works perfectly fine
73. Google ‘How Do I Get Rid of a Voicemail I Left on Someone Else’s Phone’
74. Put on your hat with the bell at the end of it
75. Lock the cat in the guest room when you remember that it likes to attack your face every time it hears that bell
76. Greet your guests as they arrive for Christmas Eve dinner
77. Let it pop into your head after you’ve placed the coats in the guest room that several of your family members are allergic to cat hair
78. Go in the guest bedroom to find the cat rolling over every coat in sight
79. Don’t say anything just yet.  You don’t want to ruin the holiday.
80. Remind yourself that allergies aren’t real anyway.  The government made them up to sell inhalers.
81. Forget that a lot of your relatives enjoy a cigarette or two after a meal and make sure you’re not in the downstairs bathroom crying because Dennis Jr. called you ‘psycho’ just because you wanted him to wear the red sweater with the kissing elves on it rather than the blue t-shirt he smuggled away that says ‘Suck My Christmas’
82. Google ‘Nearest Emergency Room’ when multiple relatives experience allergic reactions to the light dusting of cat hair all over their coats
83. Try to remember if you turned the oven off before you hopped in the ambulance with Aunt Mary Wanda, who, at that time, looked like the girl from Willy Wonka that turned into a grapefruit
84. Get a call from your neighbor that your house appears to be on fire
85. Laugh wildly as you tell your neighbor to just let it burn
86. Call Nessie
87. Try Nessie again
88. Just keep trying