I'm Voting for Diodes

      (The SENATE. DIODES is seated next to LADOS.)

DIODES:  ...And so we must choose one man to exile to appease the gods.

     (Agreement from the other SENATORS.)

LADOS:  Let us all cast our votes privately, as bravery dictates we do it as such.

DIODES:  Indeed!

    (Room quiets.)

LADOS:  Diodes, a favor?

DIODES:  Yes, Lados?

LADOS:  It occurs to me that I have never learned to write.

DIODES:  Lados, never?

LADOS:  I have been very busy with politicking.

DIODES:  How have you made it this far without being able to--

LADOS:  Thedos would always write out my votes for me, but he was the last man we exiled, and now I must rely on someone else.

DIODES:  And that man should be me?

LADOS:  After today, I will move seats and ask that someone else assist me, but for today--

DIODES:  All right, Lados, but only because we have many votes to get to once we finish exiling someone.

     (DIODES takes the piece of parchment in front of LADOS.)

DIODES:  Who is it you would like to vote for?

LADOS:  Uh, well, I had thought about voting for...

DIODES:  Quickly, please, Lados, Most have already finished voting.

LADOS:  Uh, well, I suppose--

DIODES:  Out with it.

LADOS:  Diodes.

DIODES:  Yes, who is your vote for?

LADOS:  Diodes. I'm voting for Diodes.

     (A beat.)

DIODES:  But Diodes is I.

LADOS:  Yes.

DIODES:  You are voting to exile...me?

LADOS:  Yes.

DIODES:  But I am...helping you.

LADOS:  Yes, Diodes, it appears I am not voting in my own best interests.

DIODES:  I cannot write down my own name.

LADOS:  You must. That is my vote.

DIODES:  But--

LADOS:  You would not deny me my vote, would you, Diodes?

DIODES:  But your vote might send me into exile!

LADOS:  Don't be preposterous. I am not the only voter.

DIODES:  But I am looking around the room and noticing that nobody will meet my gaze.

LADOS:  Yes, I had heard that there were many votes against you.

DIODES:  And yours could be the one that forces me to leave my home!

LADOS:  Well, that's the risk you take when you live in a society, no?

DIODES:  I am not supposed to be at risk. I am head of the Senate!

LADOS:  You cannot be exempt, Diodes. That would not be fair.

DIODES:  But who would run the Senate in my absence?

LADOS:  I could do it.

DIODES:  You?

LADOS:  Yes, why not me?

DIODES:  You cannot even write!

LADOS:  I could have someone do it for me.

DIODES:  Only until you exile them, apparently.

LADOS:  Yes, I need to be sure and exile someone before I ask them for their help. But then I suppose a quandary would arise.

DIODES:  Yes, I suppose it would.

LADOS:  Sadly, for now, you must write your own name.

DIODES:  I cannot.

LADOS:  Are you unable to write as well? Illiteracy is sweeping the land. Down with the Head of the Senate! Look at the land he has ruled over!

DIODES:  No, you buffoon, I can write.

LADOS:  Do you not know how to spell your name? I believe there is a 'j' in it.

DIODES:  I can spell my name but I cannot aid in exiling myself.

LADOS:  This has bothered you quite a bit, hasn't it, Diodes?

DIODES:  Yes, Lados. I have much I wish to accomplish in the Senate. Many more laws I would like to enact and public executions I'd like to witness.

LADOS:  You old sap. I never thought of you as being sentimental.

DIODES:  Please, Lados, I cannot go. Show me compassion.

     (A beat.)

LADOS:  It is so. Write down Plines.

DIODES:  Thank you, Lados. Thank you.

     (DIODES writes down 'Plines' and passes the vote along with his own vote.)

LADOS:  By the way, Diodes, who did you vote for?

DIODES:  Uh, Lados, of course I can't tell you. It was a secret vote.

LADOS:  Ah yes. How foolish of me.

DIODES:  It is all right.

LADOS:  Very important to keep all that private. Wouldn't want to know how the gyro gets made, now would we?

     (DIODES smiles, but begins to sweat.)

     End of Play