Home Restoration, or Loneliness

These days

The nights are quiet

I get home

And get to work

Getting ready

And for what?

The dinner’s done

The dishes washed

And outside

I swear I hear

Whispering

People deciding to do things

And I’m deciding

That I don’t need

To do anything

But making a decision

Without feeling bad about

The decision you made

Is like drinking a lot

And avoiding a hangover

I used to be able

To feel good

About doing less

Than I thought
I should do

But lately I’m always

Feeling like I’m late

To the party

And it’s harder

To feel sure

That I’m not doing enough

But doing too much

And it’s far too quiet

On nights

These days

When there was snow

Coming down

It wasn’t so bad

But now I feel the pull

Of people

Somewhere

When I was a kid

I used to be in the back seat

As my parents drove us home

And we’d go by buildings

With lights on

That looked like clubs

And bars

And I pictured adults

Having fun

Doing adult things

Now I realize

Those places

Were probably just

Home restoration stores

And speciality lighting outlets

I was wrong

About the amount

Of adults out having fun

And I was wrong assuming

That one day

I would be one of those adults

In one of those home restoration stores

Drinking and dancing

And making an endless amount

Of new friends

Because how could the idea

Of lots of new friends

Ever feel overwhelming
Or anxiety-inducing?

Now all I want are people

And more people

And no people

I want to be in that office

Above a dance floor

The kind you see in movies

Where the person in the office

Usually the villain of the movie

Looks down on all those

Happy dancing people

And has no urge to be among them

Because it’s satisfying enough

Just to be near them

I go out on my porch

And try to picture

People dancing down below

But instead all I see are leaves

Moving through the grass

The grass that hasn’t been mown

And could probably use

A good shear

Back inside the house

All the lights need to be turned on

And music needs to be played

And then the lights need to be turned off

Because clubs and bars

Are never that well-lit

I make myself a drink

And stand against a wall

Watching the newly restored furniture

All throughout my house

And wondering when my friends

Are going to get here

But they don’t

And they won’t

And even though I tell myself

It’s because I’m in an empty house

And not out somewhere fun

I also sort of believe

That it’s because

This club isn’t one of the popular clubs

That everyone wants to get into

And of course it isn’t

Because I own this club
And how could I ever own a hotspot?

I mean, sure

My furniture is nice

But it’s not

That nice