The Tyranny of a Zipper

      (A meeting at Levi's. TOM is running the meeting.)

TOM:  So how's everybody doing today?

ALL:  Good!

TOM:  And you're good because--

ALL:  It's a good morning.

TOM:  Where?

ALL:  At Levi's!

TOM:  WHERE?

ALL:  At Levi's!

TOM:  That's what I like to hear.

PHIL:  Uh, Tom, sorry, um, your (inaudible).

TOM:  What, Phil?

PHIL:  Your (inaudible) is down.

TOM:  Gotta speak up, Phil. Can't hear you bud.

PHIL:  Your fly is down.

     (Some scattered laughter.)

TOM:  Aw, thanks, Phil. I know that was probably embarrassing for you.

PHIL:  No, it's fine. Happens to everyone, right?

TOM:  You know what?  It does happen to everyone, Phil. And that's why we're not doing it anymore.

PHIL:  Doing...what?

TOM:  Zipping up.

PHIL:  You're--You're not going to zip your fly?

TOM:  No. No, I am not.

PHIL:  But.  But you can't leave it down.

TOM:  Phil, these new jeans I'm wearing? They have a fly that has to stay down, because they--don't have a zipper.

PHIL:  Why would you--Why would you do that?

TOM:  Because I'm sick of it, Phil. I'm sick of worrying if my fly is out.  Aren't you?

PHIL:  I--No.

TOM:  All day long, you're going to the men's room, using the men's room, zipping down, zipping back up--

PHIL:  Some pants have buttons.

TOM:  DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON BUTTONS, PHIL.

PHIL:  Sorry.

TOM:  You don't have to be sorry, bud.  You didn't do this. This isn't your fault.

PHIL:  Oh. Good.

TOM:  We don't need zippers, do we?

PHIL:  Uhhhhh we might?

TOM:  Phil, do you really need a zipper to keep everything you've got going on underneath your pants where they should be? Don't the pants themselves do that work for you?

PHIL:  So, is there just going to be no...opening there?

TOM:  Of course there's going to be an opening, Phil! You want to make people pull down their pants every time they go to the men's room?  You want guys standing around with their pants down standing at all the urinals?  Have you lost your mind, Phil?

PHIL:  Sorry.

TOM:  It's okay, bud. Nobody blames you. This isn't your fault.

PHIL:  You're saying there's going to be an opening but nothing to...close up the opening?

TOM:  Correct.

PHIL:  That's...I think that would make me uncomfortable.

TOM:  Because society tells you that you need to be uncomfortable, Phil.

PHIL:  Maybe...society...is right?

TOM:  I get where you're coming from, and I appreciate the feedback, but you're wrong and you're polluting this meeting with your toxicity, Phil.

PHIL:  Tom, you can't just walk around the office with a hole in the middle of your pants.

TOM:  It's not a hole, Phil. Don't be crude.

PHIL:  Sorry.

TOM:  Not your fault. But!  You need to think of it as an access point.

PHIL:  Oh, I don't like that.

TOM:  Because it's giving you easier access to something, right?

PHIL:  I think that might lead to some, uh, litigation.

TOM:  Women can wear pants like this too.

PHIL:  I don't think anyone is going to want to wear pants like that, Tom.

TOM:  What if we put more openings on the pants so the access point at the crotch wasn't so hard for people to deal with?

PHIL:  You want...more holes?

TOM:  I want more access points!

PHIL:  Our distressed line already has ho--access points--at the knees, one near the thigh--

TOM:  I want more, Phil.

PHIL:  How much more?

TOM:  I want one big hole with two pockets and some belt loops.

PHIL:  I'm not sure how we would...do that.

TOM:  You're not dreaming, Phil!  I need you to dream!

PHIL:  Uh. Okay. But I think you're dreaming...too much?

TOM:  And you know where I'm going to put those dreams, Phil?

PHIL:  In the holes?

TOM:  In the holes!

PHIL:  Tom, please just zip up your fly.

TOM:  No. I refuse to give in to the tyranny of zippers for one more second.

PHIL:  Tom--

TOM:  This pair of pants wouldn't even have a zipper on it, but when I had the prototype on it was difficult to, uh, keep all the bees in the hive, if you get my drift.

PHIL:  Tom--

TOM:  But!  We'll fix that and get these on the market in no time.

PHIL:  TOM, ZIP UP YOUR FLY!

     (A beat.)

TOM:  You can't shout at Morning Meeting, Phil.

PHIL:  I'm sorry.

TOM:  It's okay, bud. You didn't mean to. This isn't your fault.

PHIL:  I think I need to quit.

TOM:  We'll miss you, Phil.

PHIL:  I won't miss you.

TOM:  You don't mean that. And I know you don't. And you know what?

PHIL:  It's not my fault?

TOM:  It's not your fault.

PHIL:  Thanks, Tom.

TOM:  Take a pair of pants on the way out. On me.

     End of Play