Tragic Chivalry

I would say--

That his passing

As he held the door for me

Was tragic

Yes, I would say

That was tragic chivalry

It wasn’t as tragic

As the time

My date died

While pulling out a chair

So that I could sit

That wasn’t as tragic

Because that man

Ended up being

A murderer

With body parts

Scattered

All throughout his apartment

So while the death was a shock

I would say that his untimely passing

Was for the best

As he most likely

Would have killed me

The man who tipped his hat to me

As I walked by him on the street?

I was sad to see him go

The tragic nature of chivalry

Requires that I attend

Many funerals

As men are quick

To show themselves as gentlemen

Whenever I am in their presence

And while it doesn’t always

End in death

It frequently leads

To their demise

Or at the very least

A maiming or loss of limb

As such, I find myself

Dating men

Who are not gentlemen

When my friends

Criticize me

I explain to them

That while I would love

To date someone

Kind and chivalrous

Anytime I do

The man meets with

A bout of drastic bad luck

And before you know it

I’m offering my condolences

At their wake

It would seem to me

There are people

You simply cannot be nice to

Without putting yourself

At great risk

And it seems to me

I am one of those people

Show me compassion

And an air conditioner

Falls on your head

Offer me your jacket

On a cold night

And you’re electrocuted

By a live wire

On the ground

Tell me I look nice today

And several large coyotes

Chase you down

And maul you

Just safer for everybody

If I only fall in love

With ruffians

And rapscallions

As soon as I’m with

A man like that

I find that the world

Feels like it makes

A bit more sense

There are less obituaries
In the newspaper

Friends seem to be happier

And my family members

While they worry for me

Know that I can handle

Anything that I’m met with

Whereas nice men

Cannot possibly protect themselves

Against the way life has decided

That I shouldn’t be permitted

Their company

I believe happiness, like chivalry

Is not worn well by everyone

Some people can pull it off

And some are tempting fate

When a man doesn’t hold the door

Or pull out a chair

Or tells me that I shouldn’t open

My stupid mouth

Unless I know what the hell

I’m talking about

It doesn’t make me feel good

But it does make me feel

As though it won’t

Get any worse

And then I smile

Before a man

Tells me

I should