That Mushroom Might Kill You

      (KRORG, BLERG, and SPLANG are all sitting around the fire. Each of them is holding a mushroom.)

KRORG:  This one doesn't look like the one that killed Yab.

BLERG:  Mine looks funny.

SPLANG:  Just because it looks funny, that doesn't mean it'll kill you.

KRORG:  Yours looks better, Splang. Can I have yours?

SPLANG:  No, I like mine.

KRORG:  Why?

SPLANG:  Because it doesn't look funny.

BLERG:  You told me not to worry that mine looks funny.

SPLANG:  And you shouldn't worry.

BLERG:  Then you eat mine.

SPLANG:  No, I have to eat mine.

BLERG:  You can eat mine and yours.

KRORG:  Eat mine too.

SPLANG:  What's wrong with yours?

KRORG:  Nothing. I just don't like mushrooms.

SPLANG:  We all agreed to do this a certain way. We each pick a different mushroom, eat it, and then if don't die, we know which ones are safe to eat.

BLERG:  It seems pretty dumb to die just so we can add mushrooms to our diet.

SPLANG:  But the good ones are delicious.

KRORG:  We already know about five that are safe to eat. Let's just keep eating those.

SPLANG:  I'm sick of those. I want new mushrooms.

BLERG:  Then you should be the official mushroom taster.

SPLANG:  If I die, who's going to cook all the mushrooms?

     (A beat.)

KRORG:  What if we fed the mushrooms to the animals? Like Two Horn and Run, It's Coming?

BLERG:  One little mushroom isn't going to kill Run, It's Coming. Even if it is poisonous.

SPLANG:  And how would we feed it to Run, It's Coming anyway?

KRORG:  One of us could eat the mushroom, then not run when we see Run, It's Coming coming, and then when Run, It's Coming eats us, if it dies, that means the mushroom was poisonous.

BLERG:  But that still means one of us is going to die.

SPLANG:  I bet it's not even that poisonous if you cook it with garlic.

BLERG:  You can get rid of poison with garlic?

SPLANG:  You can get rid of anything with garlic.

KRORG:  That doesn't sound right.

SPLANG:  Remember when we found that dead Two Horn that had been laying out in the heat for three suns and you told me I couldn't cook any of its meat because we'd all get sick?

KRORG and BLERG:  Yes...

SPLANG:  I cooked it with garlic, and none of you got sick, so there you go.

BLERG:  Splang, Choop died after he ate dinner that night.

SPLANG:  No, no, no--he died of a broken heart because he was so torn up about the Two Horn being dead. It wasn't dinner that killed him.

KRORG:  He didn't even know that Two Horns.

SPLANG:  Well, it definitely wasn't my cooking.

BLERG:  You're always doing this.

SPLANG:  Doing what?

BLERG:  Putting our lives at risk just to advance your culinary agenda.

SPLANG:  I have no agenda!  I'm doing all this for you.

BLERG:  For me?

KRORG:  I think Splang was talking about me.

SPLANG:  I'm talking about all of you. Before I started cooking, you were all eating tree bark and raw Oh God, It's Flying eggs. I was the first one to put them over a fire on a flattened stone and now you're all obsessed with it.

BLERG:  Actually you undercooked mine yesterday.

SPLANG:  UNGRATEFUL. You're all ungrateful.

KRORG:  We're very grateful that you've discovered food that doesn't make us cry while we eat it because of how bad it tastes, but crying is still better than dying.

SPLANG:  We all have to die of something, Krorg.

KRORG:  But I don't want to die of a MUSHROOM.

SPLANG:  It's not the mushroom that's killing you.  It's the poison IN the mushroom. Don't blame the mushroom.

KRORG:  I won't blame it, but I also won't eat it.

     (KRORG throws down their mushroom.)

SPLANG:  Krorg!

BLERG:  It's okay. It's still good.

    (BLERG picks up the mushroom and eats it. A moment.)

KRORG:  Blerg--

BLERG:  I wasn't thinking!  We have the five-second rule when the eggs fall on the ground so--

SPLANG:  Blerg, spit it out!

BLERG:  What?

SPLANG:  That could have been one of the poisoned ones!

BLERG:  But you told me to eat it.

SPLANG:  No, I told Krorg to eat it.

KRORG:  So you were going to poison me?

SPLANG:  No, I was just willing to sacrifice you for the greater good, but not Blerg!  They're my sous chef!  I need them!  Who else is going to chop the radishes!

BLERG:  My life's work and now I'll never complete it!

KRORG:  We have to get Blerg to vomit.

BLERG:  So many radishes I never got to chop.

SPLANG:  I think I still have some of that Two Horn meat back in the kitchen.

KRORG:  Run, Splang!

     (SPLANG runs off. KRORG takes BLERG in their arms.)

BLERG:  It's getting colder, Krorg.

KRORG:  That's just the Ice Age arriving, Blerg.

BLERG:  Will you tell my story?

KRORG:  You want me to tell people you died of a mushroom?

BLERG:  Um, okay, so--Tell them I got caught by a Run, It's Coming?

KRORG:  I'm not sure I feel comfortable lying about something as serious as a mushroom poisoning, Blerg.

BLERG:  You're right. It's getting darker, Krorg.

KRORG:  That's because we haven't invented electricity yet.

BLERG:  Gosh, it's really hard to tell if you're dying, huh?

   (SPLANG runs back on holding something in their hand.)

SPLANG:  Take this!

     (SPLANG shoves it into BLERG's mouth and forces them to swallow it.)

KRORG:  Did it work?

BLERG:  I...I think it did. I feel better!

KRORG:  The rancid meat worked!

SPLANG:  No, it didn't.  That wasn't the meat.

BLERG:  Then what was it?

SPLANG:  Krorg. Blerg. I believe--I have invented--medicine.

     (LIGHTING/THUNDER.)

End of Play