Me and My Cowboys

We started at Busty Lou’s

And that’s where Jesse lost his horse

He’s going all around

Outside the saloon

Crying ‘Guyyyys, I can’t find my hoorrrsse’

So then we all have

To stop what we’re doing

And look for Jesse’s horse

I was so aggravated

And wouldn’t you know it

Where was the horse?

Parked out back

Exactly where he left it

That’s after he accuses

Everybody in the saloon

Of stealing the horse

And getting everybody pissed off

So we have to go down the road

To Old Sally’s

And I can’t stand that place

Because they water down

Their sarsaparilla

But we’re there

We’re having a good time

Johnny gets up onstage

And sings ‘The Sheriff Stole My Gal’

With the band they had playing

And everybody in the bar

Is joining in on the chorus

Which, I’m sure you know--

‘That’s when he took her

That’s what he did

But better to him

Than to Billy the Kid’

Then, I look to my left

And I see Tobias

Kissing my favorite

Of Miss Catty Fae’s ladies

The one that gave me

That medical problem

A few years back

So I walk over

And I go, ‘Uh, excuse me?’

And the two of them act like

They were just talking

But they were not just talking

And so I was like--

‘You know what?

To hell with this

I’m out of here’

And I walk right out

Of that saloon

Here comes Tobias

Chasing after me

And I was like--

‘Leave me alone, Tobias

I thought we were friends

And then I saw you

Trying to get with my favorite hooker

So you can just go to hell

I’m going back to the ranch’

But then we got to talking

And I realized that I was just sad

Because Tobias really hasn’t been there for me lately

And I don’t know what you think friendship is

But I think friendship is being there for people

As we were working out

Jack comes stumbling out of the saloon

With all these guys behind him

Because he was playing cards

And Jack being Jack

He got into some hot cowboy shit

And he was hiding aces

Under the table

So now we have to do a shoot-off

And I’m so aggravated

Because my money pouch

Is still inside behind the bar

And I can’t even go in and get it

Until Jack and this guy

Are done trying to kill each other

They do the paces

They turn

They fire

Nothing happens

They’re both so drunk

They end up hitting

The barrel of molasses

Next to the general store

So now there’s molasses

Running up and down the street

Which ruined my new boots

I could fucking kill somebody

I go back in the bar

Get my money pouch

And I can’t find the deed of sale

On my horse

And I’m freaking out

Because what if I get pulled over

And I don’t have my deed of sale on me?

It turns out Jesse took it

Because he wanted to make sure

I didn’t lose it

Jesse is such a good friend

Like, all my friends are so amazing

We went back to the ranch

And we stayed up, like, all night

Talking about how we’re going

To a wagon train next year

Like, we’re going to start training

And figure out

How to get all our wagons

To go in one big line

It’s going to be iconic

Like, you all are seriously

Not ready

But oh my god

I was so hungry

I ended up just throwing

Some mashed up tomatoes

On some bread I had

And then dumping melted cheese

On top of it

Gross, right?

Ugh

Never doing that again