What Happened to the Staff?

What happened?
I fired them
Isn't it obvious?
There's nobody here

I'll tell you what
It was funny
It was incredibly funny
How it happened

I walked into work today
And I decided
That either I was going to jump out the nearest window
Or fire everyone in sight

As it turns out
The window was painted shut
So that only left
Option B

I fired them all
One massive chop
And every ounce of stress
In my life
Was eradicated

I fired Andrea
Because she's dumb
Because I never wanted to hire her
Because you made me hire her
I'm assuming because
You liked looking at her fake breasts
Or maybe it was her sparking personality
Either way, it doesn't matter now
I fired her

I fired Morgan
Because he has body odor
And he likes to stand close to you
When he talks
About meaningless things
Like his fake wife
And his fake barbecues
That he throws with his fake wife
Who nobody has even seen
Because she's fake
I fired him
And I would have fired his fake wife
If she worked here

I fired Trina
Because her name is Trina
And that's stupid
That's a stupid name
Wasn't there a Power Ranged named Trina?
The yellow one?
I hate the yellow one
So I fired Trina
With her fake teeth

Why was EVERYBODY in this office
So goddammed fake?

It was like working
With a bunch of biobots

So I fired them all
Harry who had three weeks
Until he retired?

Fired him

Because he was old
Because he was old and mean
Because I wanted to see him cry
Because I needed to know he was human
And you know what?
He didn't cry
That old bastard didn't cry
He laughed
That just goes to show you
How insane he was

Three weeks until retirement
No job
And he's laughing
Like a goddammed leprechaun
On a pot o' gold

He was probably going to come in here one day
Leap onto his desk
And jump onto the nearest rainbow
Turning us all into stone
On his way up to Cloud Town

. . . . .

Do you want to know what happened?

I realized
That I shouldn't have to spend
More time with people I hate
Than with people I like

I like lots of people
I like even more dogs
But generally
I like people

But I hated all those people
All the people I just fired
I hate their guts

And they hated me
And we all hated each other
And worked in a hateful environment
Where hateful products
Were most likely produced

So I think I've done us all a favor
I think I've saved everybody
A lot of heartache

Granted, I no longer have a staff
But you know what?
Come Monday morning
I'm going to be smiling
For the first time
In God knows how long

I'm going to be smiling
Standing at the water cooler
All by myself

Play Ain't No Mountain High Enough

Eve's dancing in the kitchen
Dancing away
While she makes the salad dressing
Whipping it up
While she dances
Dances on linoleum
Like she's fifteen again

She doesn't like Diana Ross' version
It's too 'I'm Diana Ross'
And Eve is not
Nor has she ever been
Diana Ross

She likes the way Marvin Gaye's voice
Slips right over Tammy Terrell's voice
It's as if he's catching her
Right before she falls
Into his gorgeous arms
That's what Eve imagines
When they play 'Ain't No Mountain High Enough'

Eve's son--Scott--is in the car
On his way home
From being fired
By someone half his age
And he is not thinking about his mother
Or having dinner at her house later
Or how the radio signals got mixed up
So that NPR became an Oldies station
But he likes the song
So he turns it up

He taps on the steering wheel
He thinks of how to tell his wife
That he's lost his job
That they'll have to move
That he's not altogether unhappy
About either situation
And he taps
Taps
Taps on the steering wheel

Scott sings along to the Marvin part
Pretends that Tammy is in the car with him
Pretends Tammy is his wife
Not Ann Marie
Who will no doubt
Cry for eight solid days
When she hears the news

He pretends he has a woman in his life
Like Tammy Terrell
Who will love him
Come hell or high water
Or the end of Motown
Or a really low valley
Or anything, really

He pretends that this woman is his wife
And she's the one who's saying
'If you need me, call me'
'No matter where you are'
'No matter how far'
God, he envies Marvin
The Marvin living in the radio
Dueting constantly
Never having to leave
The comforts of the airwaves

He pulls into his driveway
Trying not to smile
Because that will infuriate Ann Marie
But finding it difficult
Much more difficult
Than he imagined it would be

His niece--Danielle--is at school
She's helping decorate for the prom
Which will be held in the auditorium
Because the school is broke
Super Broke
Like there-almost-weren't-yearbooks
Broke

She left the radio on
To Craze 107FM
But somehow
The signal got scrambled
And that song from 'Stepmom' came on
And it wasn't a bad song
And she liked 'Stepmom'
So she left it alone

Hank Bradley was in the auditorium with her
They had been working silently
Under ladders
Under banners
Right next to each other
Not saying a word

But when the song came on
Danielle started to sway
Then Hank started to as well
Pretty soon they were swaying
But not dancing
Because Hank was dating Larissa
Because Danielle was dating Charlie
Because the world would crumble
If they danced together

But then Hank grabbed her
And strolled her across the auditorium
Like they were being judged
But at the same time, didn't care

There was dipping involved
There was dipping and strutting
There was laughter
And yes
There was kissing

Danielle felt horrible
But how horrible can you feel
When that song is playing?
Not that horrible
Not even a little

Back in Eve's kitchen
She thought of her husband
Out on the porch
Staring at nothing
Soaking up the neighborhood

She went out on the porch
And didn't say a word
She just started dancing in front of him
And he laughed
But didn't move

She had to grab him
Stand him up
But once she did
His old instincts came in
He used to take her dancing
All the time

So they danced out on the lawn
Where they could barely hear the music
And cars beeped as they went by
At the little old couple
At the song
Playing in their radios

Somewhere across town
Eve's granddaughter
Was dancing with a boy
She would never see again

And on the other side of town
Her son was dancing with his wife
Who cried for eight minutes
Then took Scott's hands
And said--

'We'll be fine'

Causing her husband
To take her hand
And lead her
To the radio

How the Gorgeous Girls Lost Their Virginity

They came on a Friday
Planning to stay until Sunday
And didn't leave
Until the following Thursday
When their fathers
In one car
To save gas
Drove up to the city
And kidnapped them home

They were staying at a hotel
Paid for by one of the fathers
In a suite
Not a room
Accommodations befitting queens
Which is what they were
Not teenage girls
Newly graduated
On a weekend trip

Katerina fell in love on the first day
With a waiter at the restaurant
Where they had lunch
And she lost her virginity to him
More than willingly
On his futon
In his little apartment
With plants on the windowsill
Just like in a beat poem

As he lay naked next to her
He lightly brushed the hair from her eyes
And only then, asked how old she was
She lied and told him
That she was in her mid-twenties
And because Katerina could pout her lips
Like a trophy wife
He believed her

After all
What teenage girl
Knew how to pout her lips
Just like that?

Minerva hung around the hotel ballroom
Attending various conferences and functions
Including two late-in-the-season proms
Five Entrepreneur Networking Events
Three weddings
A retirement party
And a jewelry convention

She couldn't believe
How different a ballroom could be
Depending on who was in it
And she thought to herself
How sad it was
That nobody actually danced
In ballrooms anymore

So that Saturday
She put on her best dress
Hopped into a cab
And instructed the driver
To take her anywhere
Where there would be dancing

Her cabdriver
A dancer himself
With the necessary part-time job
Of driving a cab
Took her to a dance place
Like one from 50's Cuba
Where he danced her around the room
And made her body glisten
With a combination
Of both their sweat

She lost her virginity to him
In the back of his cab
Right outside the dance place
His skin smelled like cigarette smoke
It smelled like dirt
It smelled like leather
It smelled like Heaven

Lynn stayed in the room
The entire trip
She had room service brought to her
On an hourly basis
And charged everything to her father's credit card
Since he was the one who got the room
As atonement for having forgotten her graduation

She did not feel
That a mere Presidential suite
Was atonement enough
For not hearing your daughter's
Diligently prepared
Valedictorian speech

So she bought room service
And lots of it
She ate in the hopes of becoming obese
In order to horrify her mother
Miss Smithfield '77

She also bought movies on cable
She had a masseur come up
And get out all her graduation knots
But the crowning achievement
Of all the spending
Came on Saturday night
When she lost her virginity
To a real-life gigolo

His name was Francesco
When he arrived at her room
He looked around
As if trying to figure out
Where the ugly old woman was hiding
Who wanted a good time
With an Italian boy
Who was really just super-tanned
And from the Midwest

Lynn ordered him to remove his pants
He asked her how old she was
Her reply?

'I'm four thousand dollars. And it's my birthday.'

He disrobed quickly
After that

The rest of the night
They laid in bed
Wrapped in cotton robes
Eating ice sundaes
While Lynn asked him things
And he answered dishonestly
Much to her jubilation

Once or twice
He even let his fake European accent slip
And finally he kissed her
Which was against all the rules
He had learned from 'Pretty Woman'

He left at 4am
Just as Katerina was coming back
And when he ran into her
He apologized
Mainly for bumping into her
But also because he thought Katerina
Was in her mid-twenties
And Lynn was most definitely NOT in her mid-twenties
And Francesco looked thirty
But was really twenty-one
And so he assumed Katerine was Minerva's aunt or something
And Katerina assumed he was the male prostitute
Lynn had said she was going to get
To take her virginity
So his apology had many

Many
Layers
To it

When Minerva got him half an hour later
The three girls got into their pajamas
Except for Lynn, who stayed in her robe
They toasted each other
With wine Lynn had ordered

(How lovely that they don't card for room service)

They looked out onto the city
And laid together
Like sisters

When they got home
Kidnapped back by their fathers
After days of shopping
And seeing the sights
And hotel room parties

One of their mothers
Read their diaries
And called the other mothers
And names were called

Whore
Tramp
Slut

But all they would say
Was that they were careful
And that they had a lovely time
And they were women now
So they could do as they liked

But strangely enough
Their losses were not
What would stick in their minds

What would stick
Would be that image
Of fog surrounding a city
Of bad things
Becoming exciting

Prostitutes
Taxi cab drivers
Lying
Fog
Loss

They thought of how they shed their skin
And let their eyes wander into that fog
Knowing they could get lost
And holding onto each other
That much tighter

You Can Say You Don't Want It

Oh you can say no
But I know
What you want
When you say
You don't want it
You can say you don't want it

But you're undressing
Messing around while
The eyes outside
Act surprised
At your behavior
And the poor girl
Who thought you were
Her savior just stopped
Believing anything you say

You can say you don't like it
But you seem to enjoy
The boy you're locked in with
Flitting through hidden rooms
Assuming you're merely
Fitting in with the other flitting guests
Doing your best to lower your voice
Making the choice to leave the door unlocked
To look less suspicious
While your girlfriend does the dishes
Fictitious stories of what you were doing
Running through your mind
Finding them in the dark
While you're parked on the bed
In the spare room
Down the hall

You can say you don't want to hear it
But we can hear you
Banging on the unlocked door
Wondering how you got trapped in that space
Facing up to the fact
That you like how you act
When nobody's reacting to you

So move to a big city
Where you can run in crowds
Be loud and dumb down yourself
Even more than you are now
Because being in touch
Can be rough when you're soft
Your lofty ambitions
Turning into indecision
As the precision with which you deceive
Becomes sloppy
And you become
Harder to believe

When you say
What you say
How you say it

You can say you don't want it
You can say a lot of things
You can talk all night long

That's What It Takes

Oh, I get it
See, I get it
No, I get it
Trust me, I get it

I gotta be the addiction
I gotta be the cause
I gotta be the flaws
In your dynamic
Way of living
To be giving you
What you need me to

I gotta be demanding
Commanding all your time
And energy
Funneling it all to me
So finally you can love me
More than you love
The holes in your logic

I have to be
A broken soul
So you can fix me

No, I get it
Yes, I get it
Really, I get it
Baby, I get it

I gotta be the drink
To your alcoholism
I gotta be the salt
To your open wound
I gotta be the candy
To your baby teeth

I gotta be bad for you
And sad for you
And glad for you
When you find someone who
Will systematically destroy you
Once they're done toying with you

That's what it takes
And if that's what it takes
I'll break before I break you
Do you get it?

Yeah, you get it

When Kevin Broccoli Lost the Tony

-- Just for fun --

"When Kevin Broccoli Lost the Tony"

He stormed out of the building
He didn't even wait
Until they cut away from his face
To show Tad Turnenblaum
Take his award
For playing Captain Hook
In the Peter Pan revival

He just stood up
And walked out of the room
With Lucy chasing after him

Lucy was his diligent assistant
Who he always took to award shows
Because she was pretty
Because she enjoyed it
Because she was the only person on the planet
Who would agree to go to award shows
With him anymore

This was what happened
When Kevin Broccoli lost the Tony

'Kevin, stop! I have asthma!'
'CAPTAIN HOOK? I LOST TO CAPTAIN HOOK?'

Kevin was starring in a new musical
About the storming of the Bastille
Done mostly with life-sized puppets
And a giant moving set piece
That had already injured
Three chorus boys
During previews

It was like Les Miserables meets Avenue Q
And Kevin had done it
Why else?
For the money

He'd had a bad couple of years
The soap opera fired him
When he failed to play a convincing
Evil version of himself

The play he'd written, directed
Starred in, produced
And financed

Closed after two performances
And the NY Times review
Merely read--

'Uh...Really?'

So he'd taken 'Bastille'
Not being much of a singer
Not being any kind of a dancer
Not sure he even knew
What a Bastille was

And lo and behold
It was a hit

A HUGE hit
A No-Way-to-Get-Tickets-For-It
Unless-You-Sell-Your-Child
And-Some-People-Did
That kind of hit

And the critics raved
Especially about Kevin

They called his performance 'Gleefully self-indulgent'
And 'Obnoxious, in a Good Way'
And 'We Don't Know Why We Love It...But We Do'
And the NY Times said--

'Just Give Him the Tony'

So when they called out another name
Not just any name
But the name of Kevin's former roommate
Tad Turnenblaum
Who once told Kevin
His secret to acting
Was to always picture
His mother riding a gorilla
When singing a solo

When they called out Tad's name
Kevin Broccoli, who storms the Bastille
Eight times a week
Stormed out of Radio City Music Hall
And into the streets of New York
And not singing
A ballad
Of any kind

Lucy begged him to go back in
But Kevin kept screaming--

'CAPTAIN HOOK? CAPTAIN HOOK!'

Granted, his fury
Did not stop him
From going to the after party
Where everyone kept saying to him

'It's honor just to be nominated'

To which he replied

'It's an honor to be nominated for a DAYTIME EMMY! Now give me some canape.'

He ate his canape
And when Tad came over
All smiles, all laughing
Carrying around his hook
Which he brought
As a good luck charm
Kevin seriously considered
Looking for a giant crocodile
To shove Tad into

'Hey ex-roomie!'
'Hey Tad.'
'Pretty amazing, huh? Us being nominated together?'
'And you winning.'
'And me winning!'
'Can I ask you something?'
'Sure.'
'When you won, did you picture your mother riding a gorilla or just screwing one?'

Before Tad could answer
Kevin stormed out of the cast party
Without Lucy this time
Because she was too busy
Making out with one of the fish
From 'The Little Mermaid'

On the way home
Kevin was getting texts all night
From friends
And other well-wishers

From his mother--'You'll always be a winner to me!'
From his best friend--'You deserved it more!'
From Tad--'No, actually, I was picturing YOUR mother screwing a gorilla.'
From the director of 'Bastille'--'I passed out before Best Revival of a Play. Did you lose?'

He went home
And stared at his fame wall
A wall of photos
Detailing his peak years

When he starred on a medical drama
That had netted seven Emmys
All for the little boy
Who played his son

Last Kevin heard
He was selling his organs
Online

When he had a New York Times bestseller
Titled--'Heyyyy Girl!'
Subtitled--'Gay Stereotypes in Modern Media'
He'd had a ghostwriter
Obviously

When he was on Dancing with the Stars
And had been the first person voted off
Not because he was awful
Even though he was
But because he mentioned to People magazine
That Tom Bergeron
Was a demented sock puppet

Oh, the good old days

He woke up the next day
With canape in his teeth
Gel still moist in his hair
And a bitterness in his soul

At around one, he made it to the theater
Where a little girl stopped him outside

'Aren't you Kevin Broccoli?'
'Yes, and guess what? There's no chance I'm your father.'
'I know that. I saw the show the other day.'
'You mean the Phonys? Sons-of-bitches.'
'No, I mean 'Bastille. I caught the matinee.'
'Oh...'
'I liked it. You were really good.'
'Um, thanks.'
'I think it's messed up that Captain Hook beat you.'
'Yeah, well, did you see Peter Pan?'
'I'd rather watch a tumor being removed.'
'How old are you?'
'Thirteen.'
'Do you want an autograph?'
'Not really.'

He gave her one anyway
Because she had reminded him
What theater was all about

Thirteen-year-old girls
Telling you that you were cooler
Than Captain Hook

Wow, he thought
Just when I thought
The world had stopped
Making sense

And he walked into the theater
Ready to storm again

Let's Tear This House Down

What do we have?

We have a failed relationship
We have a broken smoke detector
We have a set of keys
We have an abundance of silence
We have a plan

We're going to take a hammer
We're going to put holes in everything
In the walls
In the floors
In the ceilings that are too low
For people with lofty ambitions
Such as ourselves

We're going to take the hose from the sink
And spray water onto everything we can find
See if we can make this dirty place
Clean

We're going to tap dance
On the graves of the roachs
That encroached upon our happiness

We're going to set mouse traps
To snap on the cats
That overtook our generosity

We're going to paint the shower blue
We're going to paint the bedroom red
We're going to paint each other
The colors of lovers
Rather than what we are

Let's do it
Let's tear this house down
Let's rock the walls
Let's crash the glass
Let's believe in destruction
Since believing in unity
Was a failed effort
That ended here

Let's hit the furniture
Instead of each other
Let's yell at the television
Instead of each other
Let's crash into antiques
Instead of each other

Let's drown ourselves
In loud music from the stereo
While we smear food
On the glass-topped coffee table
That your mother gave us

Let's poison the plants
So they'll stop
Sucking the carbon dioxide
Out of the room
Maybe that's what we should be breathing
Since oxygen keeps stifling us
And our creativity

Break the vase without the flowers
Break the floor-to-low-ceiling windows
Break the doggie dish
Break the cycle of monotony and boredom
Break pictures of happy people
Who don't exist anymore

Let's do it
Please, let's do it
Let's do it now
Right now

Let's tear this house down
And see what can withstand
And what's still standing
After we're done