Marie Antoinette in Titanic

Excuse me?

Excuse me, sir

This must be some sort of mistake

I must have my own lifeboat

I simply couldn't ride in a boat with others
What would people think?

No, no, no need to make them get out of that boat
After all, they're already seated and sweating together

Besides, I'd prefer a lifeboat with some sort of protective covering
Perhaps a cabin with a shower and a comfortable chair?

Why, who knows how long it will take
For us to be rescued?

I would not want to be sitting out in some tiny vessel
Breathing in all this cold air
While the--

DON'T TOUCH ME, YOU FILTHY MAN!

Who was that?

Levi Strauss?

What an awful name

Is he some sort of animal trainer?

Well the next time he comes near me
Please shoot him immediately

I can't risk my delicate skin being compromised
By the oils of impoverished hands

Does that band know any other song?
Perhaps something with a bit more...pep?

Just because the ship is going down
Does not mean we cannot keep smiles on our faces

When they beheaded me
I was smiling
Of course that is because
I overheard a joke
The executioner was telling the priest

I never heard the ending though
How sad

While we are on the subject of complaints
I must say that the assortment of desserts in your diningroom
Was far from adequate

I do not eat as much as I used to
Not since I died anyway
But I still enjoy seeing a nice assortment
Of pastries put out in front of me

Muffins, and danishes, and...uh...perhaps...uh...cake...?


Well, I am ready to board my lifeboat


My dogs will need their own lifeboat
Which will need to be connected to mine
Perhaps by some sort of cushioned tunnel

I will also need a boat for my servants
But you can just put them all together
After all, there are only ninety-six of them
One boat should do it

You know, you think that after you're executed by your own people
Everything after that will seem easy

But life continues to be difficult

Ah well, hold my head please
While I step down into the boat

I'm ready to be rescued

Susan B. Anthony in Showgirls

Would you look at all this currency?

And not ONE coin with my face on it

I realize that it is difficult
To insert a coin
Into the brassiere of a dancing woman
But nonetheless
It would be nice to have my face
Be more active in today's economy

I suppose you think I'm going to say
That I'm ashamed of the women
Working in front of me

Yes, you heard me

Working

Working Women

I suppose you think that's the movie I should be in

Working Girl
With Melanie Griffith

The eighties film that convinced women everywhere
That you could have whatever job you wanted
As long as you were wearing red heels
And willing to screw Harrison Ford

Who in their right mind would screw Harrison Ford?
I was and still am a homely woman
And even I wouldn't touch him

No whip cracking or spaceship flying
Can convince me that pound of dough wrapped in a raisin
Is anything worth removing your corset for

I much prefer the women in this movie
Especially Gina Gershon

What a talent that girl is

I bet she would have made a wonderful Senator
If she hadn't done so much lesbian pornography

At least these women are portraying strong women characters

Oh sure, they're portraying them poorly
And overall the film is terrible
But at least they're not standing in the background
While Danny Thomas chews up the screen

That's the sort of acting I'm used to

Oh, I'm sorry

This was supposed to be about me existing in the world of Showgirls

Well, I cannot exist within the world of Showgirls
Not because I wouldn't like to
But because I don't play around in films

I exist in real life
And in real life I'm dead
So until I'm reincarnated
As some sort of amoeba
I'll sit here and have a drink
And admire the fact
That in a piece of pop culture
Camp culture, would you say?
Is that what it's called?
Or a cult classic?

Anyway

It's in the collective consciousness

Women showing their breasts

What could be more empowering?

We spent so many years covering them up
I'm surprised it never occurred to us
That showing them might actually be useful

It's certain been useful to Elizabeth
She's made all this money
And she's asked me to count it
Because her character never finished third grade
So anything beyond the number eight
Is too complicated for her

Poor dear

But I shouldn't feel bad for her

She's in charge of her own destiny
And at the end of this film
She will not die

Right?

Sorry, but I haven't watched the whole thing
I've been having too much fun
At the beginning

I'm sure I'll get around to it one of these days

Now, if you'll excuse me

I'm up next

Here's hoping I see my own face

Abraham Lincoln in Predator

I do believe this is the first time
I've gone alien hunting

Then again, I suppose the term 'hunting'
Might be a misnomer

Perhaps it is 'they' who are hunting 'us'

Hmmm...

I have considered shaving off my beard before
But until I saw Hawkins get gutted
By that alien soldier
I could never think of a good reason

Now I have one

Mourning for my fellow alien hunter

I will continue to wear my hat, however
As it presents me as a taller man than I am
And may perhaps, scare the aliens
Into thinking that we are a people
With long heads
And long minds

I believe it was eight thousand score
And...five or six years ago
That I was a dead President
Laying interned
Waiting for Heaven
To claim me

When I woke up on a spaceship
Bound for a beautiful jungle planet
I was thrilled to realize that I would be given a second chance at life
Thanks to new reanimation therapy

And I fully intended to instill this jungle planet with democracy
And then run as Supreme Emperor, or President
Depending on the terms we would have for our leaders

Imagine my surprise
When, halfway through construction
Of my Supreme Emperor slash President hut
Half the workers were shot dead
By the alien predator

Normally I would not run at the first sight of adversity
But having been shot in the head before
I can tell you that it is not an enjoyable experience

Now a select few of us must soldier on bravely
Avenge our dead
And reclaim this planet in the name of liberty

And if we die on our quest
I hope the alien dead give whatever parts of bodies they don't consume
A proper and Christian burial

Now, let us go out into that vast jungle
And show these monsters
The face of freedom

Martin in the Elevator

Hello, hello

Eighth floor?

New floor, huh?

Not your usual floor?

Aren't you Jenny from Floor Five?

No?

Oh well--never mind then.

Eighth, it is

Better off you're not Jenny
Then you'd be a tramp

Asked her out for dinner
She said 'No'
You know why?

Because she's a tramp

Tramps don't eat
That's what you find

They want to get right to the board games
If you catch my drift

Scrabble, Monopoly, Shoots and Ladders

Dirty, that girl is

Just dirty

You're sort of a prettier version of her
Except for that right eye of yours

Other than that you'd beat her in a pageant hands down

Plus I bet you don't go playing Trivial Pursuit
With every guy on Floor Five, now do you?

Or I suppose it would be Floor Eight, in your case and--

Ah well, here we are

No, no, I'm going back down

I'm on my break

Riding the elevator relaxes me

. . . . .

Oh going down?

Careful saying that to a fellow on his break!

Hahaha that's me, I'm on break

And I was referring to making love

Love in an elevator, as they say

They being Aerosmith

Do you suppose they ever really did make love in an elevator?

Risky, that is

More so than love in a car or love in a plane bathroom or even love in a department store changing room

I could get risky, I suppose

But not without a few drinks

Of course, I've had a few drinks now

So I suppose now would be the time to get risky

If one wanted to get...risky

One being a woman

I enjoy women

One woman

One woman at a time, please

Hahaha

Unless of course you're a little more adventurous

Which I suppose you would be

Because we'd be making love in a--

Oh, here we are

Well, uh, enjoy the, uh...lobby!

. . . . .

Going up, huh?

Excellent

We can do that

We can certainly do that

Press a button

Up you go

Lovely perfume you're wearing

Smells a bit like an apple tree

Not the tree itself

Not the bark

But the actual, you know, apples
On the tree

Love a good apple

They're out of season, I think

So I guess that means your price has gone up!

Hahaha

That wasn't a joke meant to indicate that you were a prostitute

If that was what you were thinking

I would never call anybody a prostitute unless I had good reason

Like Jenny from Floor Eight

She's a prostitute

Absolutely

You what?

Oh right, you're going to Floor Eight

Do you know Jenny?

Ohhh I see

I wasn't aware she was--

And you're her--

Ohhh

A little office place homosexual romance, huh?

Well, good for you two

That certainly explains why she rejected me a few months ago

Well, now I take back what I said about her being a whore

And a tramp

And a prostitute

And that also explains why you're wearing such ugly shoes!

Well, why should you have to wear nice shoes?

It's not like you're trying to impress a man

Or anybody for that matter really

You've got Old Jenny!

Not that's she old

More like Good Ole Jenny!

Without the Ole

Good Jenny, you should call her

She's just...a doll

Tell her I said 'Hello' will you?

Tell her Martin says he's happy she's a lesbian

I'm just thrilled about it!

Have a lovely day!

. . . . .

What floor, please?

'Right to the bottom,' you say?

Well, I think we both know where this is going...

Joan of Arc in Casablanca

He let her get on the plane, didn't he?

Poor man

He'll be dead in three years

Car accident

Nothing all that extravagant

A quiet death for a loud man

Always unfortunate when that's the case

Do I miss France?

I miss it terribly

But I can still smell the smoke on my skin

I'm an expatriate now

I'm carrying on an affair with the leading banker in Amsterdam

He shows up once a month for a weekend
And I tell him how he's going to die

Every month it's a different death
Because every month he adjusts his life
According to what I've said

I told him lung cancer, so he quit smoking
I told him a heart attack, so he quit red meat
I told him stress, so he divorced his wife

Part of me wonders if he's hoping one weekend he'll show up
And I'll tell him that he's not going to die at all

Who knows?  Maybe I will

He thinks I'm giving him the word of God
The truth is, I don't hear the word of God anymore
Only the sounds of the fire

Sam, do you know anything that goes fast
Then slows down halfway through

I'm trying to remember a song I heard
As I was losing consciousness

It went fast then slow then faded out

It reminded me of the soldiers
Drinking and dancing
Then slowly falling down
And sleeping where they fell

It reminded me of those nights on the hills
Watching the enemy camp
Light each of their fires
Hearing a voice in my head tell me
That I would be going out with a fire one day

I didn't realize it would be the fire of my own people

I'm sad to know that Ilsa's gone
She and I were taking dance classes together
Through the embassy

She used to tease me about always taking the lead
Whenever they'd give me a man to dance with

I suppose it's just my nature

. . . . .

I bought a ticket

Actually, I had the leading banker in Amsterdam buy it

It's the least he could do
Considering I've saved his life
Fourteen times now

I don't plan on using the ticket
But I like looking at it
I like having it

I like knowing it's in my possession

That it's in my power to go home, if I like

I won't know anybody there now
And they won't know me

Or at least, they won't recognize me

The paintings and pictures they have
Are grossly inaccurate

The haircut they give me in them
Makes me look like a stooge

It would be nice to show them
That I wasn't so ugly

It would be nice to show them
That I wasn't so bad

. . . . .

But until then, I'll just let the ticket
Sit in my suitcase

I'll practice my tarot cards
Even though I don't need them

I'll make love to a fat man
So he'll buy me rings

I'll drink too much
And pretend the men who talk to me
Are God

And maybe when Rick comes back
I'll ask him to dance

Maybe I'll tell him to give up driving

It's the least I could do for Ilsa
My old dancing buddy

Until then, I'll just sit here and listen to you play, Sam

Have you thought of that song I was talking about?

Oh, well...

When you think of it
Play it for me, will you?

Play it
Just for me

Mr. Benson Bids Miss Byrd Farewell

Miss Byrd?

May I have a word with you please, before you go to places

Miss Byrd, in the four years
That you have been at this school
I have struggled with being your dramatics teacher

You showed up here with an accent
That would curdle milk

I'm still not sure if you're from a slum in London
Or a mountain town in the Ozarks

Your movements were awkward
Your stage presence was non-existent
And your singing resembled a possum
Being force-fed its young

You were a disaster, Miss Byrd
You were the Hindenburg of theatrical performance

The Hindenburg?

Look it up, Miss Byrd, look it up

You were probably aware
That I was not giving you
The roles you felt you deserved
While you were at this school

It's no secret that during your first two years here
You significantly decreased the budget for our sets
By portraying Tree #2 and Rock #3

I remember your performance as Bush #4 'The Little Forest'
Where you sneezed and dropped all of your branches

I thought to myself--Dear me, she's not even capable of playing shrubbery

Then in year three, when you went on as the understudy for Miss Patrick
In 'The Heart That Can't Be Broken,' I was convinced that you would not only break
But probably break the stage itself right down the middle

And I was wrong, Miss Byrd
You were superb

I suppose you just needed that moment
To prove yourself
And once you had it
You did

You taught me a great deal about being a teacher, Miss Byrd
Up until then, I expected all my students to come in with inherent talent
I punished those who actually required me to do my job
And that was wrong

The mark of my success as a teacher
Should be your performance tonight
In the lead of this, your final play here
But instead, the success is all your own

And I suppose that's all right
In the grand scheme of things

I'll miss you, Miss Byrd

I realize your journey here at this school
Was not an easy one

You were never anyone's favorite
You never had it easy
And you had as many moments of failure as you did triumph

That doesn't make you less of a student, Miss Byrd
It makes you more of one

I am proud of those who come into these halls
And sail through their four years
Like ships on a calm sea

But I am even prouder of those who had to weather a storm
And managed to do it
And come out the stronger for it

Enjoy your farewell performance, Miss Byrd

I'll be in the audience
Enjoying it myself

Dorothy Parker Needs to Shut the F**k Up

Millie?

Millie are you there?

It's Patricia

Patricia, Millie

We ate together yesterday

I had the cucumber salad
And you had half the restaurant

Yes, now you remember

Millie, I've called to tell you that I've had it

I've HAD it

Dorothy has gone too far this time

She made a comment about my hat

My HAT, Millie

The one I had made in Paris
The one I had shipped over from Paris
The one I told everyone was from Paris!

I told Dorothy that it was a gift--

All right, so perhaps I fibbed a bit, Millie
But just a bit

I told her that it was a gift from Pierre in Paris

And she said--

'Well, darling, I could have told you it was a gift from France.  After all, it makes you look just like the Statue of Liberty.'

I know, Millie!

It doesn't even make any sense!

But all the men laughed anyway

Laughed uproariously
As if she'd just invented the knock, knock joke

I wasn't about to let her get away with it

I told her that she was being very rude

'Well, Patricia,' she said, 'I know I am, but I thought you'd appreciate it since you love a good French influence.'

Ohhhh more laughter

Roger nearly urinated
Right there on the patio

I was HUMILIATED

Let me tell you something, Millie
That Dorothy Parker needs to shut the f**k up

You heard me, Millie

Normally, I don't like to use language like that
But that b***h just brings it out of me

I mean, when I think about how she speaks
As if there won't be any repercussions--

Because let's face it, there won't be

Everybody thinks she's just delightful!

Well, the men anyway
The men think she is

Well, good, let them

Let's just hope she never needs help buying a pair of shoes or a floral bouquet
Roger won't be any good to her then

Oh, I can never wear that hat again
Because of that f**king a**hole

Millie, stop swooning
You married a navy man for godsakes
My obscenities should make you feel right at home

I'll tell you something else, Millie
That piece of s**t is de-invited
To my Valentine's Day brunch

She can just go f**k herself from A to B
That's what I have to say about that

Let's see her tell jokes to her empty living room
I'm sure those hideous armchairs of hers
Will find her quite hysterical

Maybe next time she'll reconsider being so rude

What?

Your husband?

What about--the German measles?

Oh Millie, that's terrible

I'd love to comfort you
But I have to make sure the guest wing is being properly cleaned

If I don't watch the help
They try to get away with only dusting everything once every other day
And in a house this size
That's like not dusting at all

But please do me a favor
If Dorothy comes to check in on your husband while he's sick
Please tell her that I said she can go **** while **** twice in the ****
And finish with a **** and three ****

Will you remember that?

Thank you, Millie

You're such a dear