This Friggin' Dog

Melinanina?

Melinanina, it's your sister

Your sister!

How many friggin' sisters do you have?

Never mind me, I'm sorry

I'm all in a tizzy
Because of this friggin' dog

The little bastard ate my tuna sandwich!

I put a tuna sandwich down on the floor
So I could look under the couch
For that nickel I dropped last week
And he scooped it up in his mouth
Like Tarzan the friggin' Dogman
Comin' down from the grapevine

Look at him sittin' over there
Lickin' his chops

You proud of yourself?

Huh?

Look at him smirk

I think your nephew Benny taught him to smirk like that

Can't even put a tuna sandwich down on my own floor
Without worrying about being terrorized
By Kujo over there

Melinanina, this dog has destroyed my house

There is not a surface in this house
He has not peed on, scratched, or humped

Everything has been contaminated

I gotta walk around my living room
In a Hazmat suit now

Can you believe that?

I feel like I'm living in a third world country
Like Spain or Scotland
With the goats roaming in the streets

Don't tell me how clean dog saliva is, Melinanina

I've seen that dog do things with his private parts
I don't even do to my husband on our anniversary

You want me to send over some of his saliva
So you can clean your countertops with it?

You know Benny's supposed to take care of this dog
And what does he do?

Picks his nose
Plays his Gamebox
And watches me chase the dog down the street
Every time his leash breaks
Like Sally the Dogcatcher

I've had it, Melinanina
I've had it with this friggin' dog

What?

Give him away?

What are you NUTS?

He's part of the family!

That dog is like my son

You want me to give my son away?

You're lucky he's too busy chewing on my heels right now
To hear his Auntie Mel say that

Jesus, Melinanina
Sometimes I think you got a heart of stone
Because Mama laughed at a strega
When she was pregnant with you

I gotta go

I gotta make dinner
Before Benny gets home

We're having veal
But Kujo likes chicken
So I gotta make it special

Ay, the things you do for your kids, you know?

An Empty Pool

Look at you

Sitting by an empty pool

Legs hanging

Into water

That's not there

You got a cigarette for me?

For me, huh?

I got you a beer

You got a cigarette for me?

Here, take your beer

Tell me a story, huh?

Go 'Once upon a time'

See what you say

Remember when we'd play castles with the Cat

Go outside

With a refrigerator box

Cut some windows out of it

And a door

And I'd be the dragon, remember?

Cat'd be the princess

And you'd be the queen

And I'd be the dragon

Blowing fire at you

While she fell out of breath

She was laughing so hard

'Daddy's a dragon,' 'member?

'Member 'Daddy's a dragon?'

My dad never did that for me

Didn't need to pretend to be a dragon

Just had to pretend to be a dad

You coming back to the party?

Then where you goin', huh?

Home?

Huh?

...I love you, you know

Love your legs

Love your arms

Love your baby ears

'Member when Cat would call 'em that

Mama's got baby ears

I'd say that's cause Daddy talks so much to her

Her ears just close up, say 'No, no, no'

You forget I love you ever, huh?

You forget?

Sometimes I think you do

Sometimes I look at you

And you look like you don't even know who I am

Hey

Come back to the party, okay?

Cat's at your mother's

We don't have to be home

We don't have to be anywhere

We can just sit out here in the empty pool

If you want to

Sit and look at cement

That what you want?

What do you want then?

What do you want?

Okay

We'll just sit here then

Want me to tell you a story?

Want me to say 'Once upon a time?'

Tell you something?

Tell you a good story?

Just tell me what you want to hear

And I'll start

I'll say 'Once upon a time'

And tell you something good

You always forget how good I am

At making something out of nothing

LSD Possum

The world is

Wanna

Um

Wanna hear a poem?

I wrote a

Wanna hear it?

A poem?

The world is

That's it

That's the poem

It's raw, yeah?

Raw poetry

I'm going to write a book

Called that

Raw

Poetry

Sushi Poetry

I'm a sushi poet

This stuff is doing nothing for me

Maybe it doesn't work on possums

Maybe there's something in our blood that--

MY TAIL!  MY TAIL IS ON FIRE!

RIGHT?  ISN'T IT ON FIRE?

AM I WRONG HERE?

Oh okay, well...

Now I'm just embarrassed

I am talking though, right?

I'm a talking possum?

This makes so much sense to me

Everything about this makes sense

I could eat a sunshine sandwich right now

You guys are so awesome

For leaving that stuff out by your campfire

By that way--

MY TAIL IS ON FIRE!

MYYYYY TAILLLLL IS ON FIIIIIRE!

No?

You know, the moonlight

She plays her tricks on me, you know what I mean?

She is a feisty one

That moon

I'm making her a person

With pronouns

Aren't pronouns amazing?

Hey, does your friend know he has no face?

He should really look for it

It might be in that pile of dead skunk over there

That's a treasure trove right there, let me tell you

Do either of you guys feel like you could speak German right now if you wanted to?

I feel like I could totally speak German right now

Which reminds me--

MY TAIL IS ON FIRE!

I'M SAYING 'MY TAIL IS ON FIRE' IN GERMAN!

DO YOU STILL UNDERSTAND ME?

Sorry about that

I guess I--

What?

My tail IS on fire?

Wow, that's weird

I feel fine

Hey, that's a poem

I feel fine

Doesn't that sound like a poem?

I think that's a poem

That's what I do

I'm the sushi poet

On fire

On

Fire

Couldn't Keep Your Hands Off Her

Couldn't keep your hands off her

Could you, Burt?

Not surprised

No, not surprised

Go over to the fridge

And see if that sandwich is still there

You didn't eat it, did you?

Did you eat it, Burt?

Guess you had to ruin the whole night, didn't you?

Not just part of it

She came in from the parking lot

With her dress half off

Maybe the men didn't notice

But the women sure did

Then in you come

Trying not to smile

You should have just smiled, Burt

I can tell when you're trying not to anyway

So you should have just grinned like a bastard

Instead of trying to pretend like you're a good little boy

Good little boys

Don't fuck little girls

In their car

While their wife

Is inside an art gallery

Swishing her wine around in her glass

Wondering why she isn't drunk yet

What's the matter, Burt?

Did the pictures bore you?

Were you bored?

Is that why you decided to take that little girl out

To our car

So she could drawer you some new pictures

Using the fog on the glass?

Don't I have a way with imagery?

Remember how I was going to be a writer?

Remember how I was going to do nothing but write

And you were going to pay my way

And give me everything I needed

What happened to that, huh Burt?

What happened to me being a big-time writer?

When did I stop writing, Burt?

Do you remember?

What was it--twenty?  Twenty-two years ago?

When we gave up Lizzie

Oh, I know

You don't like when I call her that

My little Lizzie

Who you didn't want

You thought I didn't know

But I knew

I knew all about it

I knew you didn't want something

Standing in the doorway

In case you ever got the balls to leave

That's why I gave her up

So you could have a getaway car

Don't tell me you didn't want it

You just didn't want to ask for it

You sure as shit didn't object, did you?

Why?

Because I said I wasn't ready to be a mom?

I already was one, Burt

Didn't I hold her?

Didn't I cry over her?

Didn't I cry when they took her away?

You ever wonder what happened to her?

I know I used to

I used to think about it all the time...

How old do you think that girl is, huh?

The girl from tonight

The artist girl

The girl who draws the pictures

How old would you say she is?

Twenty?

Twenty-two?

Don't tell me you didn't fuck her, Burt

Just tell me how old you think she is

If you didn't fuck her

What does it matter how old she is?

You shouldn't care

You should be able to make an educated guess

Guilt shouldn't be holding you back

From thinking about her

And coming up

With at least a ballpark figure

Just take a guess

You like her pictures?

I been following her for awhile

The papers say she has real talent

A real creative type

Did you find that, Burt?

Did you find her pictures creative?

Is that what you liked about her?

That she was artistic?

Don't find me that way anymore, do you?

Bored with me, huh?

But I bet looking at her

Was like popping your eyes

Into a time machine

What?

You didn't think she looked like me

Oh, I disagree with you there, Burt

I disagree completely

I think she looks very similar

Except for her eyes

Her eyes are muddy brown

Shit brown eyes

Not like mine

At least your eyes never change

Sometimes I think that's the only thing about you

That doesn't change

The Collar

Thank you so much
For answering a few questions
Before I, you know, take the plunge
Hahaha into God, of course

The plunge into God

And, by the way
I am so happy
To be plunging
Myself
Into God

I cannot wait
To plunge

Anyway

I just have a few questions
About some of the
Quote unquote "rules"
That you have
About
Things

Like, for example
The collar

Do I HAVE to wear the collar?

I mean, obviously I have to wear it
When I'm...priesting
But, do I have to wear it...out?

You know, like when I'm trying to bring God's love
To different places

Like supermarkets, or libraries, or...singles' bars?

Well, single people need God too, Father

Oh, and that whole abstinence thing
I'm totally down for that
But, um, how would you define abstinence?

I mean, I know I'm not supposed to...you know...
With anybody
But, kissing doesn't REALLY count as...you know
Nor does touching...certain...parts

I guess I'm asking about the parameters here

Oh Father, please, calm down
I know I'm only supposed to love God
From now on
But I'm not talking about love
I'm just talking about bases one through three here

Okay, last question

The whole 'no earthly possessions thing'

Does that still apply if I win the lottery?

Not that I'm planning on playing the lottery...anymore

But, let's say I were to find a lottery ticket on the street
And go in to a store to claim it
So that I can find it if it belongs to an orphan
Or a man with no head

And it turns out that I can't find the owner of the ticket
And it's a winner

Would I be able to keep that money?

What if I promised to only buy really cool stuff with it?

...And share that cool stuff...

...You get what I'm saying here, Father?

Okay, okay

I'll see you at the ceremony then

But you know
You should really be more upfront
About these kinds of things

I Want Them To Be Surprised

Can you do something about my eyelids?

They're a little...pale

I would just go tanning
But I do go tanning
And for some reason
The eyelids stay pale

They're stubborn, I guess
They're stubborn eyelids

Maybe you can inject something into them
Something that'll alter the color a bit

That's possible, isn't it?

Everything's possible nowadays, isn't it?

When I die
I want them to be surprised

My friends, family
People who knew me

I want them to look in the casket
And say--

'My God!  She looks fantastic!  It must have been sudden!'

I want them to think it was sudden
Even though it's not
Even though it won't be

That's what I want them to think

It's been three years
And we're coming to the end
And I've managed to keep everybody in the dark
With lots of smiling
And drugs--some not-quite-legal
And most importantly, little touch-ups here and there

Because if you look good
You are good

So everyone assumes I'm good

And I am
I'm good

I'm just going to be dead in a few months
And when that happens
I don't want anyone to see it coming

That might sound cruel
But it's no crueler
Than making them sit by a bedside
Watching me slip into oblivion

Better I just go quietly

And it'll certainly help them
If I look lovely and at peace
Instead of like something
That was dragged out of a cave

So, the eyelids

What can you do about them?

Eyes are the windows into the soul, you know

And I think I've got a good soul

The rest of me is up for debate
But my soul

It feels good

It feels really good

You Can Get That Anywhere

Chrissy?

Chrissy!

Where'd ya get that chair from?

The regular store, huh?

I knew it

How much did you pay for that thing?

A fortune, I bet
A regular fortune
From the regular store

Don't even tell me how much
It'll make me sick

It was a lot, wasn't it?

Ugh, I'm going to be sick

You can get that anywhere, Chrissy

I can get that chair for you
From that store down the street from my house
Where they make the styrofoam lawn monkeys

You'd never know the difference

The trick is, you gotta be a smart buyer

You can't just buy something
Without looking around first

I went to twenty-eight different stores
Before I bought my couch
And wouldn't you know
I see it one week later at a yard sale

Aside from the red stains on the front of it
It was perfectly good
And I could have had it for half the price
If I hadn't jumped the gun
At store twenty-nine

You gotta be a smart buyer
In this economy

You gotta be shrewd

I bet I have a coupon for a chair like that
In my coupon drawer

I got coupons for everything

You want a coupon for birth control?
I got one

It's experimental
But it's buy-one-get-one free

You're on birth control, right?

Because God knows you can't afford a kid

But if you have a kid
The store down the street from me
With the lawn monkeys
Sells these discount brand diapers
That are a steal
AND they fixed whatever it was in them
That was giving all those babies that green rash

Oh fine
Don't take my advice

Why start now?

I'm just your mother
I just raised three kids
On two dollars
And a box of cheerios

What do I know about saving money?

What I do know
Is that that chair isn't worth more than...

How much was it, Chrissy?

Just tell me
Just rip it off
Like a band-aid

How much?

. . . . .

Oh...my...God

Chrissy, do you have any idea
How many lawn monkeys
You could have gotten for that much money?

It makes me sick, Chrissy

It makes me sick all over