Regarding Your Husband

It’s a problem at the barbecue

And at the pool party

And at the birthday party

And at every single function

For school

And it’s not her husband

It’s never her husband

It’s just everybody’s else’s husband

Acting bad

And saying whatever

And doing the wrong thing

And we’re all supposed to take our husbands

And our kids

And give them a good old lecture

When we get home

But not her

Never her

She’s just peachy

And so’s her spouse

Well, pardon me

But fuck that

Her husband thinks he’s so sneaky

He thinks he's got so much charm

And you know, before I was married to Mitch

I was working in the city

And I knew all sorts of men

Just like her husband

Whispering into other people’s ears

Making people laugh with dirty jokes

Getting everybody else in trouble

And walking away scott free

So when Mitch and I got married

And he introduced me

To all the neighbors

And Tim shook my hand

And gave me that little grin of his

I knew exactly what kind of man he was

Now I guess Mitch’s first wife

Was pretty timid

And she and Mr. Charm

Got along like gangbusters

No surprise there

But he saw me

And I saw him

And we each knew
Who the other was

So the first time everybody got in trouble

For that dust-up at the Homecoming game

I knew exactly who was to blame

And so, I called her up

Just like any good neighbor would

And I told her

That I thought her husband should come forward

And admit

That he was the one

Who made those comments

That got my husband

And my kid

And a lot of other husbands

And a lot of other kids in trouble

Oh, she was so offended

You would have thought

She married Mother Theresa

The way she balked

At what I was saying

Like I was dancing

On the grave of Christ

Or something

I felt so put-upon

Because she knew

That’s not what I was doing

That the phone call

Was my way of letting her know

That I had her husband’s number

Oh, but did she dance

And dramatize

And it was so well-rehearsed

I could tell

That she had done it before

That she had practiced

This little vaudeville routine

Many, many times

And now I was getting

The Greatest Hits

I let her finish

But then I told her

Flat out

That the next time

Her husband

Decides to let loose

Some vile and disgusting opinions

He better stand there

And take ownership of them

Instead of walking away

And letting everybody else

Get the blame

She hung up on me

And then an hour later

I get a call from the husband

Asking if he can speak to Mitch

And I said—

Mitch didn’t call your wife

I did

So you can talk to me

Oh, and he didn’t like that

Not at all

But I set him straight

And told him

If he didn’t grow a spine

And march down to that school

To claim his consequences

I was going to drive to his house

Grab him by his tiny little pecker

And drag him down there myself

And sure enough

The very next day

He owned up to it

The whole thing

And I got a very nice phone call

From his wife

Apologizing

For how she had reacted

When I talked to her

I said—

Oh honey, don’t you worry about it

You can’t help it

That you're married to an asshole

She hung up on me again

A little while later

The asshole came over

And we had a very nice chat

And then a very nice…

Well

Mitch was at work

And he’s been getting awfully fond

Of that paralegal of his

With the red hair?

Not that I was punishing him

It just…

Assuaged my anger

Plus, it’s fun

Having a little party

With a man

After you’ve put him

In his place

The way I see it

You keep a man in line

By knocking him down

Then you give him a little treat

While he’s down there

So he doesn’t ever

Want to come back up again

Maybe I should call up his wife

And give her that advice

I’d say—

Oh honey, trust me

It works like a charm

Like a real charm

The Marrying Men

She just doesn’t want

One of the Marrying Men

That’s the problem

She goes out every night

With some other guy

From Scoville

Or Landon Hills

Or Bryar

But when I try to tell her

That those guys

Are guys

And not men

She just laughs at me

And gets right in the car anyway

You know, when I was younger

I used to daydream

About what people did

On Friday nights

I never did anything

But stay at home with Mom

And watch Wheel of Fortune

While she sat with a big bowl of peapods

And told me how lonely she was

Like I wasn’t sitting right there with her

I used to think about my friends

--Or the kids at school

That I thought were my friends

I used to wonder

What they were up to
And, like--

If they were doing fun stuff?

A few of them used to sit in homeroom

On Monday mornings

And talk about

Doing this or that

One time I heard this girl Jeannie

Say she went into the city

On a Friday night

And got into this eighteen-plus club

Because she was dating the bouncer

And I thought that was the most grown-up

And exciting thing

I ever heard

The city

A club

Bouncers

Going out on a Friday

I said that one day

When I was older

I was going to do something

Just like that

But two days after high school

Working down at Nicholson’s Uniforms

I met Carl

He came in to buy shirts

For the little league team

He was coaching

And I could tell

Right away

That he was one of those

Marrying Men

Sure enough

Eight months later

We’re tying the knot

And living in Temple

Which…

I never thought

I’d have a house in Temple

My mother wouldn’t even come visit me

Because she said the house was too nice

Like that’s any reason to stay away

She thought I had airs all of a sudden

That...

That I had my chin up

Or something like that

It was—

It was wild

It really was

Then when the baby came along

And Carl started working more

And pretty soon

He was working too much

In my opinion

We never did go out

On Friday nights

Because he was always busy

At the factory

Trying to keep things going

And then…

Heart attack at forty-three years old

Do you believe it?

I sure didn’t

Now I got sixteen-year-old daughter

Who barely remembers her father

And goes out looking for another one

On Friday nights

Except she doesn’t want someone like him

Because she thinks a guy like him

Is going to drop dead on her

Like mine did on me

She saw what it was like

Having a heart get crushed

And so all she wants is some fun

With a Scoville boy

Or one of those Landon Hills juvie's

Who get high in the parking lot at the high school

Isn’t it funny that they won’t go to school during the day

But as soon as the last bell rings on Friday

They’re pulling into the parking lot

Ready to sit there all night

Laughing about dumb shit

And teaching my daughter god knows what?

That’s the thing

All these years later

And I still don’t know

What people do

On Friday nights

Not even my little girl

I just know she’s not hanging out

With any Marrying Men

Boys, guys, jerks, assholes

Troublemakers

Sure

But no Marrying Men

No men like her father

She’s not going anywhere near

Men like him

And that’s all I know

About what she does

Sometimes I think

That’s all I can bear

To know

Happy

People tell me

I’m good in a crisis

That’s, like, something they say

As, like, a compliment to me

That I’m good

In an emergency situation

But when they talk about

Uh, something about me that--

That they don’t like

Or that they think

Is a weakness

What always comes up

Is that I can’t seem to, uh

Uh, stay happy?

Or that, uh, if I’m happy

I always act like--

Oh, it’s not going to last

LIke, I can’t, I don’t know

Live in the moment

Or something?

That I’m always

Expecting the worst

But what I find funny about that

Is that, in my mind

They’re connected

Like, the reason I’m good in a crisis

Is because I’m always expecting the worst

Isn’t that obvious?
Shouldn’t that be obvious?

I mean, if I was going around

Happy all the time

And just, like, thinking

It was going to be that way forever

That means that when something bad happens

I’m screwed

Because I didn’t see it coming

Whereas, the way I am now

The, you know, cynical pragmatic me

Is never really surprised when bad stuff happens

Because I’m always like--

Yeah, that’s about what I’d expected

So it’s not that I have some great bravery

Or anything

When it comes to me, you know

Dealing with bad situations

It’s just that I’m, uh, prepared

It's just that it doesn’t, uh,

Take me by surprise

And so I feel like

We should encourage, you know

People to kind of--

Understand that happiness

Is just another feeling

That it’s something that’s not supposed to, uh

Go on and on forever

You know what people are like--

The kind of people who, uh

Think they’re going to be happy forever?

They do stupid shit

To end the happiness

Because, it’s like, we’re humans

We get bored

We get bored

With just about anything
No matter what it is

Even happiness!

So, like, guys with happy families

And loving wives

And kids

They get a divorce

And get a toupee

And marry someone young enough

To be their granddaughter

And it’s because, I think,

They were happy

And they thought they were always going to be happy

And they, like, couldn’t take it

Like, they couldn’t bear

The thought of that--

Of, like, any feeling
Going on and on forever

So they, like, took their lives

And--Kaboom!

If we just told people that, like--

Look, you’re happy now

But you won’t be forever

So just, like, chill out

And wait for it to go away

Because then!

--And I think, even, maybe--

Only then

Can we ever be happy

And be happy

About being happy

That's what I think

I mean, for what it’s worth?

That’s my take on it

The Thing

So everybody’s got a thing, right?

Now, you look--

You look for someone

With no thing

Not nothing

I’m saying ‘No Thing’

That’s what you look for, right?

We accept

As a society

That everybody’s got a thing

And we know what our thing is

But to us, our thing is so big

And so awful

And so, like, oh my god

This thing

It’s so whatever

That it takes up a huge amount of space

In our--in our lives

And so we can’t imagine making room

For somebody else’s thing

On top of our thing, right?

So even though we know it’s unrealistic

We look for somebody without a thing

And we never find it

We never

Ever

Find it

Oh, we tell ourselves

That we find it

That we find someone

With no thing

And then when the person

Ends up having a thing

We’re like--

What the fuck?
When did you get a thing?

But they always had a thing

Because everybody

Has

A thing

Now, I had a friend

A girl

She liked drunks

I mean, she didn’t like them

But she’d see them

And something about them would--

She’d be drawn to them

Is how I’d put it

Like a magnet or--

Yeah

And our friends

Our other friends

Would get mad at her

For liking guy after guy

Who would, you know

Drink too much

But not me

Because I’d be like--

I mean, I’d say--

To our mutual friends--

Well, at least that’s the only thing

Wrong with those guys

Usually

And they’d be like--

Yeah, and--?

And I’d be like--

So that’s their thing

And so, like, for her

For our friend who dated those guys

She could handle that

That wasn’t a dealbreaker for her

She was like--

Okay, they’re gonna have a thing
Everybody has a thing

What thing can I deal with?

And for her
It was drinking

And, you know, to me?

That seems totally reasonable

Better to know

Which things you can deal with
And which things you can’t

Instead of, uh, you know

Just telling yourself

You’re going to fall in love

And just magically be able to deal with

You know, everything

Or tell yourself

That love means--

Or it’s, uh--
Or that you can, you know--

Fall for someone

Who doesn’t have a thing

Because that doesn’t exist, right?

I mean, don’t we all agree

That doesn’t exist?

Can we at least agree on that?

Can that be the one thing
We all agree on?

Better to know, right?

Better to know what it is you’re getting

And know that you can handle it

Otherwise, you know, you’re just--

You’re just, uh, destined

To wind up with somebody

Who’s thing is, like, you know, a dealbreaker for you

And that’s--

That’s no good, you know?

That’s just no good
For anybody