Calling the Show

Warning on--

What is she doing?

Why is she touching the lever?

Did I tell her to touch the lever?
Did the director tell her to touch the lever?
In the script does it say 'Open parentheses SHE TOUCHES LEVER Close parentheses?'

Is she improvising?

Why does she insist on improvising?

I love when actors improvise
It's like when puppies try to speak

Okay, well, regardless we're almost at--

Why is Brody eating the banana?

Didn't we specifically tell him not to eat a banana onstage?

Brody is incapable of eating anything onstage
Without choking

Offstage he can swallow a zebra
Like an African boa constrictor
But ask him to take a sip of water onstage
And suddenly one of the blue hairs
In the front row
Is doing the Heimlich maneuver on him
While Victoria improvises a monologue
About being raised by penguins
In the wilderness

Oh damn, go four, go four--no, never mind four
Warning on five

Where is Pete?
Is he still backstage?

Of course he didn't hear his cue line
Brody never says the cue line
Because he's too busy
Choking on his banana

STOP LAUGHING
THIS IS SERIOUS

Go five, someone get Pete
And replace all the real bananas
With plastic bananas

Oh what am I saying
I've seen Brody eat plastic pork chops before

Why is Victoria still talking?

I realize Pete is probably backstage
Building a cabin out of dental floss
And not listening for his cue
But can't she do something more productive
Than sit by the fake window
And pretend to look longingly at the ocean
THAT ISN'T REALLY THERE?!?!?

As soon as you put a window onstage
All the actors want to sit by it
To have their "moment"

Oh, I'd love to do this monologue by the window
It would be such a beautiful moment

I want to say 'What if you fell out the window?  That would be a moment.'
But I don't
Because I'm a good stage--

Wait, why is Victoria talking about
World War Two?

The play takes place in World War One!

WORLD WAR TWO HASN'T HAPPENED YET!

She's going on and on about her lost love
Who died in Tennessee
During World War Two

THEY DIDN'T FIGHT WORLD WAR TWO IN TENNESSEE
YOU IDIOT!

Quick!  Someone push her out the window

Ugh, fine

Warning on somebody pushing Victoria out the window
Go push Victoria out the window

Why is Brody turning blue?

Gum?!?!?!?

Who gave him gum?

And where is Pete?

There is no more cue line!  The cue lines are dead!
All the lines are dead!
The script has been burned and the ashes have been scattered.

This isn't about art anymore
This is about survival!

Warning on Code Red!
Go Code Red!

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd...

Intermission

Great, well...

See you all in ten