Tony Hooper, Super Ventriloquist

"Hello Everybody!  My name is Tony Hooper, and this is my friend Mikey--"
"Mikhail."
"(Harry...)"
"(We agreed on Mikhail.  You said I could be a Russian like in Three Sisters.)"
"(I told Mom you were watching too much PBS.)"
"(Stop arguing.  You're making me break character.)"
"(Fine!)  So Mike--uh--Mikhail, how are things on the...farm?"
"Estate."
"--estate--in...Russia?"
"Oh, but if thou knew the turmoil that plagues my soul."
"...(What was that?!?!)"
"(I'm speaking in iambic pentameter.)"
"(Why...?)"
"(I want to challenge myself as a thespian.)"
"(Why don't you try not being crazy?  That would be a challenge.)"
"(First of all, you're the one who wanted me to do this.  That's my first of all.)"
"(First of all, you're the one who wanted a way into the talent show after they told you that you couldn't juggle fire.  That's MY first of all.)"
"(Second of all, that fire trick got me on America's Most Adorable Daredevils.)"
"(Second of all, I don't know what Bambi Pentacost is, but it sounds like something only stupid people know about.)"
"(Tre--)"
"(What about a tree?)"
"(Tre is the Swedish word for three.)"
"(Why would you--)"
"Sayeth my good friend Tony--"
"Aw man..."
"Dost thou have a wench?  Perhaps I should acquire her?"
"Are you trying to say 'Take my wife--please?'"
"Another pair of hands can always be used on the estate.  Winter shall come soon.  And it shall be so cold.  Papa's hands may freeze again as they did last winter.  And the hogs will need tending to especially if the mother births again as she did--"
"STOP STOP STOP!  I will not have you turn this into some kitchen sink drama!"
"What's a kitchen sink drama?"
"It's when you're watching a play and it's so bad you wish you were home doing dishes instead."
"That's pretty bad."
"This is worse.  Let's just forget this whole act.  I work better alone.  My teacher always says I'm the Phil Collins of the fourth grade."
"Who's Phil Collins?"
"This fifth grade who doesn't like doing group work."
"Come on, Tony, give me one more chance."
"Harry--"
"Please!  Otherwise you'll have to get Fat Pants to be your ventriloquist dummy, and all he knows are knock knock jokes about devil dogs."
"Ugh, fine.  (Clears throat.)  So...Mikhail...how are things in Glasgow?"
"Moscow."
"Whatever."
"The milk is bad."
"How bad is it?"
"It's so bad as soon as we put it in the cereal, my Frosted Flakes started naming names."
"You come from such a tough family."
"Yes, my family is very tough.  My grandmother is ninety-seven, and my family cherishes her.  Of course, she did just fall ill last month."
"I'm so sorry.  Is she feeling any better?"
"Much better--now that my mother's let her out of the refrigerator."
"And how is your father?"
"He beats me everyday with his shepherd's crook."
"That's awful!"
"You should see what he does when I misbehave!"
"(Harry, let's get offstage before it's too late.)"
"(I think Mrs. Brugel likes us.  She's waving at me.)"
"(She's waving at the guy who closes the curtain.  Get up and take a bow.)"
"(It was nice working with you, Tony.)"
"(You too, Mikhail.  L'chaim.)"
"(Gesundheit.)"
"(Ugh.)"