Family Plans

Danny, where do you think you're going?

You are not going to Tommy's house

Tommy's mother serves her kids plastic food

And every time you come back from there

I can tell you've been eating it too

Well, it might as well be plastic

With all the preservatives in it

She might as well feed you styrofoam

With fake mayonnaise on top

Hell, that might even be healthier

You're coming with me and your father this afternoon

We've got family plans

No, it is not Auntie Jen's birthday

Auntie Jen's birthday party

Is next weekend

On her and Uncle Terry's boat

This weekend we're going to Cousin Jimmy's

For the barbecue

And the campfire sing-a-long

Why are you rolling your eyes?

You don't like spending time with your family?

You know they're all going to be dead one day

Then you'll wish

You'd gone to that laser tag tournament

At Grandma Jan's

You can't recreate those moments

When Uncle Lou is icing his groin

From where Grandma Jan hit him with her laser gun

By the way, you better not make any plans for the end of the month

We're going to Cousin Tony's wedding

And while we're all the way up in North Attleboro

I thought we'd stop by Great Aunt Marie's

So we can watch her play

In that bocce tournament

These moments are precious

They are delicate, fragile memories

That must be held in the hand

Like a tiny squirrel

Oh, you need to sign the card on the table

For Little Mikey's 16th birthday party

The theme is Circus

So I got you a clown costume

That kid always was a freak

Can't blame him with that whore of a mother

And my idiot of a brother

But you know what?

They're family

And that's what counts