What the Hell Happened to Your Mustache?

What the hell happened to your mustache?

Vincent, I am not dating you

For your sparkling personality

Your bubbly sense of humor

Or your stalwart intelligence

I am dating you

For your mustache

Did you not read

Teen Time Magazine this month?

Of course you didn’t

You’re a boy

All you’re concerned with

Are paintball tournaments

And burping in four-part harmony

That’s why you’re not aware

Of the cover of Teen Time this month

Holden Henderson from ‘Deep River’

Looking sultry and sensual

WITH a mustache!

Now everyone wants a boy with a mustache

And since you were the only boy in the school

Who wasn’t shaving his

I ran straight to your house

To snatch you up

Before Melanie Hurlington

Got to you first

And I do

Then I come into school today

And what do I find?

A CLEAN-SHAVEN FACE!

This is the worst kind of betrayal, Vincent

We had something better than a relationship

Something stronger than love or affection

We had a DEAL!

Now what am I supposed to do with you?

Grow back?

That’s the most you can say for yourself?

It’ll grow back?

That’s all well and good

But what am I supposed to do until then?

Go on dating you

For absolutely no reason?

I’ll have you know

That all of my boyfriends

Up until now

Have been closeted gay men

And if you think you’re going to destroy my record

You are sorely mistaken

By the time that mustache of yours grows back

Other boys will have mustaches

Melanie just announced on Facebook

That she’s dating Timothy Tinneman

And he already has a five o’clock shadow

In his latest default pic!

She must be feeding him hair growth enzymes

Maybe I could go on google and buy some from India then--

Oh why bother?

By the time they get here

Mustaches will probably be out of style

And then all I’ll have is a dumb straight boyfriend

Who looks like the cover of a Hall and Oates album

Hall and Oates?

Oh I don’t know

My Mom has their lunchbox

Displayed on our mantle

Next to my grandfather’s ashes

Yes, you can hold my hand, Vincent

But I’m only going to allow this for today

Because tomorrow we’re breaking up

And I’m starting a rumor

That Melanie let Timothy touch her boob

During Homeroom

That oughta put me back on top

At least until they release the pictures

From Spring Fashion Week

I hear guys with missing teeth

Are going to be the new It accessory

If that’s true

Then I’m going to need to talk to your brother, Vincent

Hey

At least I’m keeping it in the family