(CONNIE,
KAREN, MATT, and CARL in CONNIE’s living room.)
CARL: She has to come
back.
KAREN: She says she’s
not coming back.
CONNIE: She’s seventy-two
years old. Of course she’s coming back. She can’t just stay there.
KAREN: Why not? It’s Hawaii.
Would you come back?
CONNIE: She’s
seventy-two years old!
MATT: I don’t get
it. Doesn’t she want to see us? We’re her children.
KAREN: She says we
can come visit.
CARL: I wouldn’t mind
visiting.
CONNIE: You can
afford to visit. You’re a podiatrist.
CARL: I’m a
pediatrician.
CONNIE: Same thing.
KAREN: Not at all,
really.
MATT: Should we be
offended?
CONNIE: How could you
not be? She’d rather die in a foreign
country than spend her last days with her children.
KAREN: Hawaii is not
a foreign country, Connie.
CONNIE: She’s seventy-two
years old!
CARL: Wouldn’t you
rather live in Hawaii?
CONNIE: Of course not!
CARL: You loved it
there when you went on your honeymoon.
CONNIE: That’s because
it was a honeymoon! We could have gone
anywhere and I would have loved it. It’s
not like we ever left the room.
KAREN: That was an
image I didn’t need.
CONNIE: There are
places you vacation and then there are places where you live. Where you vacation is supposed to be fun and
exciting and where you live is supposed to be boring and predictable and two
blocks from your family.
MATT: Are you guys
still getting Christmas cards from her?
I didn’t get a Christmas card this year.
CARL: Maybe I could
move out there for a little while and take care of her.
MATT: Or a birthday
card.
CONNIE: You’re not
going anywhere. (To KAREN.) You see this, Karen? You see what she started? Now we’re dropping like flies.
MATT: Not even a
phone call.
KAREN: Now I
understand why she didn’t want to tell you about Rick.
CONNIE: Rick? Who’s Rick?
KAREN: Well…She’s
been seeing someone.
(A
moment.)
CONNIE: Like a
therapist?
KAREN: No, like a
boyfriend.
CARL: Ohhh, that’s
cute. She has a little boyfriend. Isn’t that cute?
KAREN: He’s
forty-three.
CONNIE, CARL, and MATT:
What?/Forty-three?/Wait, that’s a lot younger, right?
CONNIE: Where the
hell did she meet a forty-three year old?
KAREN: Surfing, I
guess. She’s taking surfing lessons.
CONNIE: Surfing?
CARL: I’d love to go
surfing. I keep trying to get Don to try
it, but he has that lacerated elbow.
CONNIE: You’re too
old to surf! She’s too old to surf!
KAREN: She says she
has a new lease on life.
CONNIE: At her age, I
hope it’s a month-to-month.
KAREN: She says exile
has been the best thing for her.
CARL: That’s
something you don’t hear every day.
CONNIE: Let me tell
you something, she’s coming right out of my will.
KAREN: Connie, I’m
pretty sure she’s going to die before you.
She’s—
ALL: Seventy-two
years old.
CARL: Why shouldn’t
she get to be somewhere that makes her happy?
CONNIE: We should be
what makes her happy!
KAREN: Well I’m sure
we’re doing a stellar job, but she’s made her choice.
MATT: At least I was
Daddy’s favorite.
KAREN, CARL, and CONNIE:
No, you weren’t.
CARL: I think the
least we can do is fly out there and talk to her.
CONNIE: You mean like
a sneak attack? Make her think we’re
coming to visit, then sedate her and bring her home?
KAREN: Why don’t we
just save ourselves the trouble and hire a bounty hunter?
CONNIE: Make all the
jokes you want, Karen, but I’m not going out there unless we’re bringing her
home.
KAREN: Well then I
guess you’re going to miss the wedding.
(A
moment.)
CONNIE: The what?
KAREN: She’s marrying
Rick. A week from today.
(A beat.)
Surprise.
MATT: I guess you’re
never too old for love.
CONNIE: She’s too old
to buy green bananas. Of course she’s
too old for love!
CARL: Well now we
have to go.
CONNIE: I refuse.
MATT: Connie—
CONNIE: I refuse!
KAREN: Will you
please try to be an adult about this?
CONNIE: Karen, I know
you probably don’t realize this since you avoid showing gratitude at all costs,
but who do you think has been the mother of this family for the past five years
while our actual mother was taking surfing lessons on Waikiki?
KAREN and MATT: Carl.
CONNIE: Why don’t you
all just grab a knife and line up behind me?
CARL: Connie, maybe
you’re just a little…jealous?
(A
moment.)
MATT: I’d like to
leave now.
CONNIE: What the hell
is that supposed to mean?
CARL: Because Mom’s
doing what she wants to do with her life and you’re…
CONNIE: What? I’m what?
Being near my family to be there for them, and cherish them, and journey
on through life with them?
KAREN: Hang on, I have
to go get a violin.
CONNIE: You know, there
was a time when you stuck by your family.
Where you didn’t go gallivanting off to wherever you felt like going
just because it was fun. It used to be
that people were more important than places.
Now everybody’s selfish.
Everybody’s out for themselves—dating people half their age, acting like
they’re kids, not using suntan lotion—no wonder the world’s collapsing.
MATT: You know, there’s
another way to look at this.
CONNIE: Oh yeah?
MATT: Yeah. When Mom was here, she was sick all the time. She depended on us. She needed constant care. Now, it seems like she can take care of
herself. I’m not saying it was our
fault, but…Well, it’s hard to remember you’re not old when you have so many
people around you making you feel that way.
KAREN: If you want to
talk about being selfish, let’s talk about the fact that our mother raised us,
fed us, and made sure we only turned out a little bit crazy. I think the most selfless we thing we can do
for her is let her spend her remaining time here on Earth at a beautiful place
with a beautiful man knowing she has the love and support of her family.
CARL: Maybe we should
look at this as an opportunity. Mom’s
seizing life. Maybe we should do the
same thing. You know what? I hate being a pediatrician. I hate children. And I don’t even like Don anymore. And you know what? I don’t think I am allergic to gluten. And I hate exercising. I don’t care if it is good for me. And I hate Uncle Joe. He has bad breath and he always pats my
stomach and tells me how hearty I look.
And I always want to say ‘What the hell does hearty mean? I’m not a stew. Screw you, Uncle Joe.’ I want to sky dive. I want to be a person who sky dives. And I want to spend money recklessly and eat
puffer fish or something with ink it that can kill you if it’s not cooked
correctly. I want to do ‘shrooms. Everyone I know has done ‘shrooms but
me. I want to ‘shroom and then go to a
laser show and sweat a lot and then write poetry about it. And I hate baked potatoes. Don loves baked potatoes and so I eat them
because why not but I hate them and I hate him and I hate children and I hate
my car because it doesn’t have the seats that warm up in the winter and
sometimes I think about suicide but then I stop thinking about it because I’d
be too paranoid about letting the three of you plan my funeral and when I was
seven I kissed Mikey Peterson even though I knew Karen had a crush on him and
then when he got married I showed up at the wedding and thought about stopping
it because I’m not sure I ever loved anybody as much as I loved him but then I
went on Facebook and found out he does Civil War reenactments and that’s just
too weird so I kind of got over him but now I’m not sure who I’m supposed to be
with, so maybe it is Don, but if it is, I’m going to have to spend the rest of
my life with somebody who looks like Ed Harris and I’m not sure I feel about
that.
(A
moment.)
MATT: I miss tap.
CARL: You tapped?
CONNIE: Like tap
dancing?
KAREN: No, like tree-tapping.
CONNIE: You did that?
MATT: For twelve
years.
CONNIE: Oh.
KAREN: I feel like
there’s a lot we don’t know about each other.
Maybe Mom is all we have connecting us.
Now that she’s gone…
(A
beat.)
CONNIE: We should go
see her.
CARL: Yeah?
CONNIE: Yeah. I mean, what is that, like, a ten-hour plane
ride?
MATT: Probably more
with a lay-over.
KAREN: And then on
the way back…
CONNIE: Maybe all
that time together would do us some good.
CARL: It couldn’t
hurt, right.
(A
moment.)
ALL: Well…
(They
laugh a little.)
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