(DEREK and CHRISTINA at a diner.)
DEREK: So what are you saying?
CHRISTINA: I’m not saying that we’re not engaged anymore.
DEREK: Okay.
CHRISTINA: I’m definitely not saying that.
DEREK: Okay.
CHRISTINA: The thing is—
DEREK: Yeah?
CHRISTINA: While we were—engaged—I mean, with you living in Florida and everything—
DEREK: Yes?
CHRISTINA: I may have…had a baby.
DEREK: What?
CHRISTINA: It’s a really crazy story.
DEREK: Okay.
(A moment.)
Are you going to tell it to me?
CHRISTINA: Oh, you want to hear it?
DEREK: Well, yeah.
CHRISTINA: Oh okay. I just figured you’d get mad and storm out.
DEREK: So I am going to get mad when I hear the story?
CHRISTINA: Well yeah, I mean, I had a baby and didn’t tell you. I would hope you’d get mad. Otherwise, you’re like a robot or something.
DEREK: I thought maybe there was a misunderstanding or—
CHRISTINA: I mean, there was. Kind of. Like, if a misunderstanding could be that I slept with some guy and got pregnant, then yeah, it was totally a misunderstanding.
DEREK: Nope, I don’t think that qualifies.
CHRISTINA: I’m so sorry.
DEREK: When did this happen?
CHRISTINA: Like, right after you got exiled.
DEREK: So the kid is—
CHRISTINA: Going to be four.
DEREK: You’ve been hiding that all this time?
CHRISTINA: Would it make you feel better if I told you I named the baby after you?
DEREK: It’s a boy?
CHRISTINA: No.
DEREK: You named a girl Derek?
CHRISTINA: Yeah, like Bo Derek.
DEREK: Derek is her last name.
CHRISTINA: No, Derek is her first name. She has my last name. I couldn’t give her the father’s last name because I didn’t, exactly, know it.
DEREK: Christina!
CHRISTINA: Look, I’m being honest here.
DEREK: So?
CHRISTINA: So—does that get me anywhere?
DEREK: No!
CHRISTINA: Well, geez. No wonder people lie about stuff like this.
DEREK: You did lie! For years!
CHRISTINA: By omission.
DEREK: That’s still lying.
CHRISTINA: Only if you—Yeah, okay. I guess it is.
DEREK: So that little girl you were nanny-ing for?
CHRISTINA: Yeah, that's Derek.
DEREK: So you're not a nanny?
CHRISTINA: I mean, I nanny her, it's just that I'm also her mother.
DEREK: But what do you do for a living?
CHRISTINA: You mean like a job?
DEREK: Yes.
CHRISTINA: Oh, I don’t have one of those.
DEREK: Then what have you been doing for money?
CHRISTINA: You’re going to be mad.
DEREK: That seems to be the theme of this conversation.
CHRISTINA: I’m not, like, hooking or anything.
DEREK: Okay, so whatever it is, it’s less than hooking.
CHRISTINA: We live with someone, and that person pays for, like, everything.
DEREK: Is it your mother?
CHRISTINA: No.
DEREK: Your father?
CHRISTINA: No.
DEREK: Is it a relative?
CHRISTINA: I mean, would you consider a husband a relative?
(A moment.)
DEREK: What?
CHRISTINA: I sort of…got married.
DEREK: But you said the father of—
CHRISTINA: Oh, not to the baby’s father. I would never have married him. He seemed like a real weirdo. I mean, I guess I shouldn’t pass judgment, because I didn’t know him that well, but—
DEREK: So who are you married to?
CHRISTINA: Do you remember Kyle?
DEREK: Kyle? Like my brother, Kyle?
CHRISTINA: Yeah, that one.
DEREK: You married my brother?
CHRISTINA: Well, I mean, technically, yes.
DEREK: How could I not know about this?
CHRISTINA: I’m not sure. Didn’t you notice his relationship status change on Facebook?
DEREK: It changed to ‘It’s Complicated.’
CHRISTINA: Well, I mean, it’s definitely complicated.
DEREK: I’m going to kill him.
CHRISTINA: If it makes you feel any better, we barely sleep together. Like once or twice a week—max.
DEREK: And he’s raising your child?
CHRISTINA: Yeah, when I can get off him the couch, you know what I mean? (She laughs.) Sorry, that’s like, housewife humor.
DEREK: I…I got so excited. I thought—I was going to come back to you and…Wow.
CHRISTINA: I mean, I still want you to come back. We all do. Me, Derek—
DEREK: My brother?
CHRISTINA: Kyle probably isn’t as excited about it as the rest of us are, but give him a little time. This is a lot to take in.
DEREK: I feel so stupid. All this happened and I had no idea.
CHRISTINA: Look, all that matters now is that you come home and we start getting you adjusted to life back in Rhode Island. I mean, you’ve been living in Florida for five years. Coming home is going to feel really strange to you.
DEREK: Christina, I just found out my brother is raising a child with my ex-fiancée. It doesn’t get more Florida than this.
CHRISTINA: Do you hate me?
DEREK: I just…Why?
CHRISTINA: I didn’t think you were coming back. But you thought you were. And I…I wanted to keep going with my life, but I didn’t want to make you feel bad. I didn’t want you to give up hope.
DEREK: But even if they hadn’t let me come back, what were you going to do? Just keep up this façade forever?
CHRISTINA: God, you have such a good vocabulary. I wish Kyle took after you. My kid’s going to grow up saying the stupidest shit.
DEREK: I…I can’t come back.
CHRISTINA: Oh Derek, yes you can. This changes things—I know it does—but…it doesn’t change how you feel.
DEREK: Of course it changes how I feel. That’s the first thing that changed.
CHRISTINA: I just want you to know that aside from my husband and your brother, you’re still the love of my life. And third place isn’t so bad.
DEREK: You mean second place?
CHRISTINA: Oh sweetie, you may have a way with words, but you sure do stink at math.
DEREK: Before I pay the check and go throw myself off the nearest bridge, I just have to ask—What have you been doing with all the money I’ve been sending you so you could go back to college and become an archeologist?
(A moment.)
CHRISTINA: Don’t be mad.
(DEREK puts his head down on the table and tries not to cry.)
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