Leaving Rhode Island: Newport

When you abandon your pregnant wife in India

The world does not fall apart

We like to think that people who do awful things

Particularly ‘leaving,’ particularly people who leave people who need them

We like to think that those people, the ones who leave

Will be punished for such an action

But the reality

The truth

Is that

They aren’t

Not really

Not by anybody but themselves

And even then, only if they have a conscience

A sense of right and wrong

The ability to feel guilt

Or displeasure with themselves

I left my pregnant wife in India

Sleeping in our bed

A baby crying somewhere

The sound of a man cutting up meat

Odd, very odd

At that hour of night

Soft music playing

The night air sitting still

Waiting patiently for the morning

That was how I left her

You’re here to listen to me talk about leaving Rhode Island

But Rhode Island is just one of the many things

I’ve left in my lifetime

Women, friends, family, responsibilities, careers

Unpaid bills, dancing partners, half-way finished projects

Movies, plays, books, cultivated personalities

I’ve walked out on everything

There are people who are only good at leaving

And please, don’t dismiss that

Leaving can be a very difficult thing to do

I think we can all agree on that

And so if you’re exceptionally good at leaving

It’s nothing to sneeze at

I’m good at leaving

I learned from the best

My father left when I was young

And I told myself one day I’d have a kid

Who I’d never leave

And here I was

Leaving before the kid even showed up

You want me to say I feel bad?

I feel bad all the time

Who knows which specific thing I’ve done wrong

Resonates the loudest with me

I’d have to imagine leaving your wife and child

Would be the worst thing

But it’s hard to say, really

I went back to Rhode Island

To Newport, the bridge

It was late—another night

Another night with the air waiting for something

Not for the morning though

Just for something to happen

I took a deep breath

I looked down

I thought about it

And I thought

And I thought and I thought

One day you walk out

And then the next day

You walk out on yourself

That’s how that works

If you ever get a chance to meet my daughter

Those of you here tonight

Do me a favor

Tell me she was better off without me

Tell her

That if she ever falls in love

Make sure it’s with somebody

Who knows how to stick around