Leaving Rhode Island: Portland

Believe it or not
I was most excited about the reunion
Coming back, you know?

I know it sounds crazy
I mean, who goes to high school reunions anymore?
Now we can just go on Facebook
To find out who's bald and fat

But when I got the letter saying I wasn't exiled anymore
There was this part of me that felt...
Like there must be a reason I could come home in time
For the reunion

I had been living in Portland--Oregon, not Maine
And please, don't get me wrong, I had no intention of coming back
I have a studio apartment with central air
My ass isn't going anywhere

But...

Oh God, I can't believe I'm going to admit this--

I liked high school

I really did

I liked my teachers
I liked student government
I even liked this annoying sophomore Kelly
Who's locker was next to mine

I was actually really excited about seeing everyone again

Then I get to the reunion and it's this...uh...

They had it at Ruby Tuesday's

Now, I'm not a snob or anything
I wasn't expecting Chez Pascal
But when you're expecting Romy and Michelle
And you wind up with unlimited salad bar
It just feels...

And everybody was nice, you know
I don't want you to think they weren't nice
They were so nice

...The people who showed up anyway

There were only about twenty of us
No teachers even
It was pretty much just me
And the yearbook committee

And they were all talking to me like I was this celebrity
Because I got exiled
And they were so...enamored...with me
And I don't mean that in a conceited way, but like--

They wanted to know all about my life
They kept saying 'Oh, what's life like in exile?'
And I was like, 'It's pretty much like life anywhere else'

I mean, yeah, I had to leave
It was mandated
But honestly?
I probably would have left anyway

I probably would have been one of those people
Who offered to swap with somebody else who didn't want to be exiled
Like in The Hunger Games

My life was not going to be here
And I knew that way before they started sending out letters
Making people leave

But everyone at the reunion was acting like it was some twist of fate
That led me to my ultimate destination

I wanted to say to them
'Guys, if you want to leave, just leave
Nobody's stopping you'

But then I looked around and--

God, you know--
This is hard

Because I don't want to be mean
But also, I mean, there's this expectation
That I'll talk about my experience, right?
Like, about how being exiled has affected me
When really, all I feel like I need to talk about
Is what I saw at that reunion

All these faces of people
Who had these dreams
All these dreams
And things they wanted to do
Just staring back at me
Wanting so much
To be the one who just took off one day
And spent five years screwing up
And taking chances

And I mean, I'm not doing everything I dreamed of either
I don't have this exciting, thrill-seeking life
But--

But I guess getting that letter
Took the fear out of it for me, you know?
Chasing after stuff
Because--I didn't have a choice

Maybe we all need that
Something that backs us into a corner
That stops us from being complacent
From showing up at a Ruby Tuesday's one night
To see people you haven't seen in five years
And feeling like nothing's changed at all

Maybe they should have sent everybody that letter
Cleared out the state
And let us all
Start over again