The cold, crimson ocean
Crimson—red with blue in it
This is how the ocean seems to me
When they push me in
Plunge—I plunge
I, an exile
A girl sent away
From her home
Who was forever after sick
Never quite well
Never the same
As when I lived in Rhode Island
My parents had a theory
She needs to go back
Back to her home
My parents are movie buffs
And based on multiple viewings of E.T.
They concluded
That I would feel better
If I could just go back
But for years, it was against the law
The government didn’t believe in exile’s disease
They thought it was just an orchestrated ploy
To let everybody come home
I sort of agreed with them
I knew I was sick
But I had a hard time believing
It was because of where I was
And not what was inside of me
But when we got the letter saying the exile was lifted
I was way more than sick
I was dying
We were living in Austin at the time
And my parents got us on the next flight home
I remember my Mom saying ‘Hang on, sweetie, just hang on’
The whole way back to Rhode Island
Once we got there, and stepped off the plane
They looked at me
I mean, they really looked at me
To see if—I don’t know
If I would just magically get better
Or something
I smiled a little, trying to cheer them up
But I knew nothing had changed
‘Maybe it takes a minute,’ my Dad said
As if terminal illness just goes away
Like that
‘No,’ my Mom said
‘We need to let her body know
She’s back.’
I didn’t know what that meant
But the next thing I knew
I was in a car speeding down the highway
I shouldn’t have made the trip
No doctor would have okay-ed it
But my parents had wrapped me up in a blanket
And they told the stewardess I was recovering from food
poisoning
The long flight made me weak
And I passed out in the car
Only to awaken at the sound of seagulls squawking
We were at the beach
My Dad got me out of the car
But then I heard my mother say
‘Give her to me’
And I felt myself move from my father’s strong, sure arms
To my mother’s smaller, but equally solid support
We were moving
Moving towards the water
And within a few minutes
I felt the coolness of it
Against my back
And then my arms
And finally, all of me
All of me was submerged
I thought—they’re going to kill me
This is insane
You can’t take a dying girl
Into the ocean
But then I thought
If you’re dying
Who cares what you do?
What can’t you do?
You’re going to die no matter what
I passed out again
There, in the water
With my mother holding me
And when I woke up again
I was on the sand
My parents on either side of me
Looking down at me
Waiting to see if I would come back
Or let go for good
I opened my eyes
I took a deep breath
And for the first time
In a long time
I felt the sun on my face
And I let it warm me
I let it get to me
Work its way into my skin
And something heavy was taken away
And something dark spun into light
And something lost was found
Amazing, huh?
What a trip to the beach
Can do
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