Leaving Rhode Island: Sacramento

     (A living room in Sacramento.  DANIELLE is on her laptop looking distressed.  JULIE is sitting next to her watching tv.)

DANIELLE:  Do you think I should be concerned?

JULIE:  This is unhealthy.

DANIELLE:  He could be dead somewhere.  Some rogue fan might have killed him.

JULIE:  Danielle, how many fans do you think this guy has?

DANIELLE:  There are sixty-three people in the club, Julie.

JULIE:  That’s pitiful.

DANIELLE:  He could be in danger.

JULIE:  When was the last time you talked to him?

DANIELLE:  He was just crossing into Montana.

JULIE:  Oh.  Well then he’s definitely dead.  Nobody gets out of Montana alive.

DANIELLE:  Julie!

JULIE:  Sorry.  It’s true.  That place is a pit.

DANIELLE:  Maybe I should go there.

JULIE:  To Montana?  Are you crazy?

DANIELLE:  I have an obligation to him, Julie.  I said I'd take care of him.

JULIE:  He's not a puppy, Danielle.  He's a human being.  He can take care of himself.

DANIELLE:  You know, you're lucky nobody was saying stuff like this when I found you.

JULIE:  First of all, you didn't find me.  I wasn't a buried treasure.  Second of all, you were looking for a roommate.  I didn't know you were obsessed with exiles.

DANIELLE:  I'm not obsessed.  I just...want to help.

JULIE:  Oh come on, Danielle.  You’re totally in love with this guy.

DANIELLE:  That’s an exaggeration.

JULIE:  If I go in your room right now, will there be a cardboard cut-out of him standing next to your bed?

DANIELLE:  That’s—like, for safety.  In case there’s a home invasion.

JULIE:  You mean the burglars will think you have a man standing over your bed at all times?

DANIELLE:  You have to see it in the dark.  It’s really imposing.

JULIE:  How many times have you asked me if I know him?

DANIELLE:  I just don’t understand how you can’t know him.

JULIE:  Despite you thinking that Rhode Island is this little two-mile long stretch of land between Massachusetts and Connecticut—it’s actually a pretty decent-sized.  There are people who live their whole lives in Rhode Island and never meet.  It seems impossible, but trust me, it happens.

DANIELLE:  Well, it doesn’t matter now.  Because now, he’s coming here.

JULIE:  Where is he staying?

DANIELLE:  What?

JULIE:  Where is he staying—like sleeping?  Where is he sleeping?

DANIELLE:  I don’t know?  On the couch?

JULIE:  Okay.

                (A beat.)

DANIELLE:  Or maybe, like, you could crash with me and he could—

JULIE:  Nope.

DANIELLE:  Julie!

JULIE:  Why doesn’t he just stay in your room?

DANIELLE:  I mean, that’s, ideally, what I’d like to have happen, but I don’t want to be presumptuous.

JULIE:  You invited a person whose fan club you run to come live with you.  I’m sure he knows what’s on the table.

DANIELLE:  I just want to take things slow.

JULIE:  He’s move into your apartment!

DANIELLE:  That’s just out of necessity.  He’s lost.  He needs a…like, a spirit guide or something.

JULIE:  And that’s you?

DANIELLE:  I am very spiritual.

JULIE:  When was the last time you prayed?

DANIELLE:  I—

JULIE:  Meditated—

DANIELLE:  Well—

JULIE:  Went more than five minutes without talking?

                (A beat.)

DANIELLE:  I want you to move out.

JULIE:  Oh come on, I’m just teasing you.

DANIELLE:  No, it’s just—I didn’t know if there’d be a good time to do this and—

JULIE:  Oh my god, are you serious?

DANIELLE:  It’s just…with Vincent coming—

JULIE:  You said that wasn’t going to change anything!

DANIELLE:  It doesn’t—really.  I mean, this wasn’t working out anyway.

JULIE:  What are you talking about?  We’ve been living together for four years.  How can this not be working?

DANIELLE:  I just feel like…like this wasn’t what I thought it was going to be.  You’re so…self-sufficient.

JULIE:  I’m—what?

DANIELLE:  Like, if anything, you take care of me way more than I take care of you.

JULIE:  And that’s a bad thing?

DANIELLE:  Yes.  The whole reason I wanted you here is because I wanted somebody I could, you know, look after—and that’s just not what this is.

JULIE:  So you’re kicking me out because I don’t need you?

DANIELLE:  Julie, this is one of those things where the person who has a thing doesn’t really want to say that the thing is the reason for why she’s doing what she’s doing, because it’s kind of embarrassing to admit, so instead of me admitting to the thing, can’t we just say it’s because you chew with your mouth open?

JULIE:  So do you!

DANIELLE:  Shut up!  Do I?

JULIE:  Yes!

DANIELLE:  You’re really not making this easy on me.

JULIE:  I am sorry that I cannot be some…drowning victim you can save, but that doesn’t give you the right to throw me out on the street.

DANIELLE:  But see, I don’t feel bad about doing this, because I know how capable you are of taking care of yourself.  You’ll probably be better off without me.  You’ll be living in a mansion in a year with some perfect guy and—

JULIE:  --And you’ll be here, taking care of some weirdo, ministering to his every need, basically giving up your own life so you can hold his together?

                (A beat.)

DANIELLE:  Is it bad that that sounds really appealing to me?

JULIE:  Danielle!

DANIELLE:  Look, some people just need other people to need them.

JULIE:  You mean people who need people are the luckiest people in the world?

DANIELLE:  IT’S NOT MY FAULT I GREW UP ON FUNNY GIRL!  MY FATHER WAS PROBABLY GAY AND YOU KNOW THAT’S A SORE SUBJECT!

JULIE:  Do you have any idea how backwards this is?  You’re hurting one person so you can help another.

DANIELLE:  It’s triage, Julie.  You have to prioritize.

JULIE:  This guy is a celebrity.  There are sixty other people out there who are willing to help him.  Why does it have to be you?

DANIELLE:  I—

JULIE:  But, I mean, why stop there?  Why not take in refugees?  Political prisoners?  Newly paroled sex offenders?

DANIELLE:  Now you’re being ridiculous.

JULIE:  How much does somebody need to need you before you stop worrying that they might leave you?

                (A moment.)

DANIELLE:  I don’t know.

JULIE:  Isn’t it liberating?

DANIELLE:  What?

JULIE:  Admitting that you don’t know something about yourself?

                (A beat.)

DANIELLE:  He’s not coming, is he?

JULIE:  He might.

DANIELLE:  Julie—

JULIE:  He’s not.

                (A beat.)

He called.  Earlier.  He, uh…I’m sorry.

DANIELLE:  Even the people who need me don’t want me.

JULIE:  Don’t get all pity party on me, or I’ll make you watch eighteen solid hours of ‘Friends.’

DANIELLE:  Don’t threaten me with sitcoms from the 90’s.

JULIE:  You know, I may not need you, but I love the hell out of you.

DANIELLE:  I love you too.

                (A beat.)

Will you still love me if I start cuddling with the cardboard cut-out?

JULIE:  Yes.

DANIELLE:  Okay.  But…yeah, okay.

JULIE:  Okay?

DANIELLE:  Okay.

                (Lights.)