Marty Mishlin's Acting for the Soaps

All right everyone

Let's save all that chatty energy
For the stage

Where we will channel it
Into theatrical magic

I am Marty Mishlin
And this is Acting...for the Soaps

Now, as someone who has been on over three episodes
Of General Hospital

I can think of no one better
To guide you through the intense
Emotional process
That comes from playing one of those tortured souls
Known as a soap opera character

Let's begin with a scenario

Your father has just confessed to you
That your mother, who you thought was dead
Only adopted you after she stole you
From your biological mother
Who happens to be both the mayor of Port Charles
And a serial killer

What do you do?

How do you express all the emotions
That are coursing your veins?

Speaking of courses
I'll be offering my 'Vowels--Don't Let Them Get U You Down' class
This spring
So sign up now
Because it usually gets cancelled
When nobody shows interest

That's why you all walk around
Sounding like Marlon Brando
After his tongue turned to cheesecake

BACK TO THE SCENE!

Now, you could think about your mother
But which one?

The dead one who died
In a freak explosion at the power plant
That may or may not have been
Because of your biological mother
Who used to be a terrorist in the 70's
Before she met her twin sister
And figured out what it was to love?

There's an easier way, class

Watch me

. . . . .

See what I did there?

I lifted up my chin
I let my lip quiver
I had my eyes say 'You bitch, you killed Spencer, my niece who may or may not have been my boyfriend!'

That's how you win a Daytime Emmy, kids.

Susan Lucci used to beg me for acting tips
And do you know what I'd say to her?

'You're not on General Hospital, you're on that trash heap known as All My Children. Get out of my shared dressing room!'

Ohhh...

Do you see what I did there?

I expressed rage at Susan Lucci
Whom I've never actually met

I needed a scenario
To teach you all about soap opera rage

I pulled back the corners of my lips
I squinted my eyes
I reared back my hand
As if to say--I will smack you down, you raven-haired vixen!

That children, is what the soaps call for

Passion
Intensity
And above all--

Eyebrows

Lots of eyebrows

All right, pair up

I want you to practice mirroring each other
By saying--

'I'm having your baby and it might be an alien.'

Let the acting begin

That Depends on You

If we kiss tonight
Or we dance or whatever

You better tell me
Or warn me or you know

Cause I'm used to going at my own place
And your place is probably cleaner than mine

And you're fine where you are
But you'd be better off far away

Staying clear of a girl with a broken heart
And new theories on men

That all end with 'they suck'
Fuck, I'm so fucking drunk

You wanna fuck?
Is that what you want?

You new men say you want more
And more I can't guarantee

The gender roles have switched permanently
And I'm just a victim of progress, you see

Do you like me?

I'm lovable, aren't I?
This is when you say 'Yes'

Let me tell you when to agree
And you'll do much better with me

If you wanna marry me
Let me know now

So I can shave my legs
And pick out a gown

I am not afraid
I am not a virgin
I am not a healer
I am not repaired
I am not prepared either
I am not perfect
I am not sure I'll be me in five months

If you bite
I'll bite back

If we fight
Let's do it right
And make love after
Like, immediately after

I want to put my hands on your chest
To steady myself
While I slide you inside me
And ride you in a daze
Like I'm half-asleep

If you're sure of me
Then why are you blushing

Am I rushing things
By talking dirty?

Fuck
Me
Tonight

Is that all right to say?
Or are you planning on running
Away?

We can be here all day
Asking questions

Answers, questions
Answers, queries
Problems, solutions

We can have it all

And if we do, well--

That depends on you

The Villain's Missing Hurricane

Hello?

Yes, I'd like to speak to whomever is in charge
Of predicting the weather
Provided he still has a job
In which case
I'd also like to talk to the moron
Who hasn't fired him yet

Yes, I'll hold

...Is this Dean Martin?...

Yes, this is the Villain

No, the is just before the Villain
It's not my first name

V-I-L-L-A-I-N

...But it's not--

Ugh

T-H-E

Okay, fine

Now, could I please--

Yes, I'll hold

...Maybe it's Tony Bennett...

...I got you...under my--

Yes, I'm here!

Well, I'm just a little perturbed, you see
Because I was supposed to blow up the East Coast tonight
But I couldn't
Because nobody would have noticed
Because allegedly there was going to be a hurricane
That would do its own form of destruction
And then nobody would notice my hard work
And so instead I rented 'You've Got Mail'
Stocked up on bottled water
And spent the evening in with my koala bear, John Tesh

J-O-H-N T-E-S-H

Well, what am I supposed to do with all this bottled water???

I can't DRINK it!
Don't be insane!

My bladder is the size of a thumbtack!

Well, WHY did you predict a hurricane
When there wasn't one?

You know why I think you did it?

Because you're a liar

And let me tell you something, liar

I may blow up small islands
I may shave poodles for no reason
I may have been indirectly responsible for the break-up of The Wallflowers

But at no time, have I ever LIED ABOUT THE WEATHER!

Only a sicko would do something like that

A SICKO!

Yes, I'll hold

...Okay, this sounds like Bing Crosby, I'm just totally confused...

Hello?

Yes, I'm here

Not an exact science?

Neither is shooting secret agents
But I somehow always manage to get it right

Except when John Tesh accidentally gnaws on the bars on their cage
And lets them out

He's teething...again

What?

No, I do not want a weather boy badge!

I'm not a boy!

I mean, I am a boy
But I'm not--

Oooohhhh, hang on

I'm getting in my swivel chair

I am going to swivel this out with you
All over your face!

...It doesn't mean anything! It's just something you say while you're swiveling!

Oh yeah? Well you're a LIAR!

WELL THE FROWNY FACE CLOUD DOESN'T STICK ITSELF TO THE MAP NOW DOES IT, YOU LIAR?

LIAR LIAR LIAR--

...He hung up

Well, that's fine

He probably has to rush home

Then again, with that rabid otter in his car
I'm not sure how far he thinks he's going

Maybe next time
He'll wait to use the frowny face cloud
And not jump to conclusions
That ruin perfectly good weekends
When certain Villains could be out
Partying with his henchmen

Wouldn't that be nice, John Tesh?

Wouldn't that just be fantastic?

Today I Stopped

Today I stopped

I quit

I gave it up

I threw it away

I tore up the number
That I wrote
On sheet metal

I burned the pack

I poured out the booze

I apologized

I gave away my shit

I acknowledged my shit

I stopped rolling around in my shit
Like a pig
With a personality disorder

I ripped my shirt off

I stopped saying nasty things to myself

I stopped saying nasty things altogether

I ate cake

I stuffed my face
With cake

Then I put the cake away

I looked in all my mirrors

I dug up the grave
I danced on the grave
I prayed on the grave
I played on the grave
I stayed on the grave

That grave belonged to me
And today it's just grass
With a stone on top

I paid all my bills

I wrote down my thoughts

I forgave myself

I forgave everybody else

I unpacked my boxes

I phoned my mother

I made bread

I screwed up
I screwed up
I screwed up

And I started

I started

And I failed
And I suck
And I'm wrong
And I'm worthless
And I'm mean
And I'm an asshole
And I should die

But instead

I'll stop

I'll just stop

And start again

Emma in Las Vegas

We had the same professor of writing
And he knew we were soul mates
Before we did

He read my writing
And told me to find her

He told me to find Jenna

But Jenna is not easy to find

I am from Poland
She is from Everywhere

I couldn't find her on a map

But my professor found her
And we spoke on the phone

She had a voice like sugar on baked bread

You taste her and you sense
So much more

I was Anna from Poland
When I spoke to her

Now I am Emma in Las Vegas

I traded identities with a girl from my class
Who needed to disappear

I needed to disappear also

I needed to come to Las Vegas
To see Jenna
To be with her

She was ready for me

And when I arrived here
I found her outside a casino
Smoking and talking to a man
About taking him back to her room

This was not what I was promised

I slapped her across the face
And started to walk
Away from the lights

But the lights follow you everywhere
And so does Jenna

She met me at a bar
Where I was hired to be a waitress

She ordered a drink
Then another drink
Then she took me to her apartment
Outside the city

We made love while the light that was the city
Crawled into the bedroom
And crawled into us

I fell in love with her
I fell in love with Las Vegas
With its neverending light

Where I come from
Light is temporary
Always temporary

Before I left home
My father said to me

'Remember who you are every time you start to impress yourself'

In my house
You had to steal happiness from others
And then you were looked at
As a thief

Jenna steals too
But I have enough of what she steals
So I let her
And I still feel happy

She gives me pills to take
And things to drink
And has men come over
And dance with us
While we kiss and make love

She is moving
She is always moving

The man she loved, Robert
He left her at an airport
And now she's afraid of planes

She sees one in the sky
And she buries her eyes against my cheek
Waiting until the plane goes by

Sometimes we spend all day
Wearing nothing but the sheet
That covers our bed

Sometimes we make dinner
Like we are adults
With jobs and success

Sometimes the men come back late at night
And pound on the front door
When they realize money was taken out of their wallets
More money than they agreed to pay

Jenna goes into the city
But I stay here
And watch coin jars
We keep in the closet

I watch to make sure
They don't escape
That nobody comes and takes them

I like the way the carpet feels
On my back

I start to feel good
And then my father's voice rings out
From the coins in the jars

He reminds me that I'm a book
That nobody ever finishes

They get bored and shove me away on a shelf
Forgetting I'm even there

Jenna doesn't come home

I know she's gone
But I still have to look for her

But I don't know how to put on my own clothes now

Jenna used to dress me
In her t-shirts and her dresses

She threw out everything that was mine
And I became her and hers
And now I'm naked
And none of her clothes
Seem to fit me

I go out into the street
Wearing a bathing suit top
And black dress pants
Sandals, not shoes

I do put on her sunglasses
To keep out the light

Because I know that's where she is
I know she's in the light

I take a taxi and pay in coins
I hope she's not mad

I go to the bars
I go to the clubs
I go to the spot
Where I slapped her
And I cry because I want to see her

I want to see her there
Even if she's with a man

Even if she's with a thousand men

I have to see her

I go to the airport
And try to buy a ticket
To her

I say 'Jenna, Jenna, Jenna'
And the woman at the airport
Calls security

They pull at me
And push me towards a room
Where they will ask me questions

I've been in those rooms before
And I don't want to go back inside them

The light there is harsh
It's too much
I can't find her sunglasses
Wasn't I wearing them?

I point to the planes outside
And I scream--

'She's afraid of planes! How can she move so fast when she's afraid of planes?'

I wake up in a bed
Next to a desk
Where a nurse sits looking at me
Like in school

I am calm
I feel calm
My stomach hurts
I throw up

The nurse brings more nurses
A doctor
I see a policeman

Where's Jenna?

Did they find Jenna?

Where is she?

They find the number to my writing professor
Because I've written his name on my stomach

They call him
And he calls my father
And my father says he will not come here
That I can take care of myself
And my own disgrace

And so my professor flies to Las Vegas
And takes me back to Providence himself

I'm on the plane looking out the window
At the light
At all the light

And I could see Jenna moving around in the light

Dancing with men in the light
Dancing by herself in the light
Looking around for me

Wondering why I left

Wondering and dancing

And slowly going out

The Babysitter Called

The babysitter called
The children have taken over Guatemala

They have formed a drug cartel
And they are currently
Holding the President of Mexico captive
On a small island
Off the coast of Brazil

Our six-year-old has taken up gambling
And owes over eight hundred dollars
To the schoolyard hustler
Who bet him that Mrs. McGovern
Was going to give birth in April
Rather than in May

Our four-year-old has learned to swear
And now does it frequently
And with great vigor

She has told the babysitter to 'f' off
To go 'd' herself in the 'p'
And finish it off with a 'jdv'

She escaped from the babysitter
And is now doing stand-up comedy
At the Tickle Tower downtown

Finally, the babysitter informed me
That our one-year-old is now married
To a one-and-a-half-year-old named Chloe
Who he met on eHarmony

They already have matching tattoos
And they both love David Sedaris

The babysitter thinks they'll be very happy together
And she congratulated us on the new addition to our family

Now, that was the eighth time I've called the sitter

If you make me call her again
Or if she calls us
I'll come back and tell you
That the children have formed a singing group
Called 'Ritual Sacrifice'

Tonight is for us
That's why we got the sitter
That's why we're allowed to be grown-ups tonight

That's why we're going to enjoy ourselves

And if the children do a good job of running Guatemala while we're gone
Then I guess everybody wins, don't they?

Cheers

This Is When We Sing

When Pop died in '95
We spread his ashes
Over a lake in upstate New York

Me, Cork, and Ma
And when we were done
Ma had a hand apiece
From each of us
Plus Cork's wife Karen
And Ma said--

This is when we sing

My brother studied opera
When he was in school
But wrote letters back
Saying he was pre-law
Because he knew Pop would say
That opera won't pay the bills
Still, Ma says Pop knew all along
That their kid was meant to sing, not sue
And this is when we sing

We eat at the pancake place
Right by the lake
And Karen tell us her Pop story
Because everyone who ever met Pop
Has a Pop story
And Karen's Pop story
Is that when she met Pop
He made her sit down at the piano with him
And sing 'Spirit in the Sky'

Have you ever heard 'Spirit in the Sky' on piano?

It's perhaps the most awful sound in the world

And Pop wailed along
While Karen tried to keep up

She thought he was both insane
And extremely religious

And every time he wanted to cue her
He'd say--

This is when we sing

Ma says when me and Cork were born
Pop refused to admit
That we looked like him
Even though we both have his nose
And his chin, and his goofy grin

When the business closed
Ma locked herself in the bedroom
Convinced we were going to be on the street
And Pop picked the lock on the bedroom door
While holding me and Cork on each arm
And he picked Mom up too
I don't know how

And the next thing I knew
We were all in the living room
Around the piano
With Ma saying--

'Joe, we're going to be in the poorhouse next month'

And Pop saying--

This is when we sing

When my Pop got sick
He used to sing in the hospital
All his nurses used to make requests
And he'd sing

At his last breath
He was smiling
And singing

Ma was crying too hard to be in the room
Cork and I were looking down
And Pop was holding Karen's hand

And singing 'Spirit in the Sky'

When we all drove back
From spreading Pop's ashes

Ma put the radio on
Pushed back the tears
At the edge of her eyes

Looked at the three of us
And said--

'Okay, kids--'

This is when we sing