We've Decided To Stop Teaching You Math

We’ve decided

To stop teaching you

Math

For years

We insisted

That it would come in handy

But we just can’t do it anymore

We can’t pretend

That all of you

Are going to need it

Oh sure, you’ll need the basics

Addition, subtraction

Whatever the hell PEMDAS is

But once you get

To the advanced stuff

You only really need to absorb it

If you go into a field

Like engineering

Or math teacher

Which is circular

In a way that will mess you up

When you get older

Because you realize

Everything in life

Leads you back to the same place

And if that place is math

And you’re not particularly fond of math

You will go right off

The deep end

We used to think

Being well-rounded

Was of the utmost importance

But, you know, the more we think about it

The more we realize

That you kids really need

To figure out

Who the hell it is

You’re going to be

Way before you turn fourteen

By then, you should already be

Honing skills and zeroing in

On chosen career paths

If you are planning

On living a life

Where you need

To do any math

More complicated

Than the calculator

On your phone can handle

You need to know that

Before your freshman year

And even then

Algebra Two is just useless

I mean, nobody knows

Why we teach you

Algebra Two

It is very specific

And very pointless

And depending on

Who you have as a teacher

And where you go to school

The depth of its pointlessness

Can either be shallow

Or vast

And that’s not fair either

So much of education

Is inequity
And we just want to try

And repair that inequity

But the only way to do it

Is to make high school

Friendlier to the individual parts

Of your personalities

So from now on

No more math

Unless you love math

In which case

Have at it

Same for English
Same for History

Same for everything but gym

Because obesity

Among people your age

Is still at an all-time high

Even though we understand

That this country’s definition of obesity

Is highly problematic

What it all boils down to really

Is that we’ve been propping up

The same bullshit curriculum for decades

And you kids aren’t getting any smarter

In any of the subjects

You don’t give a fuck about

So why do we keep

Shoving them

Down your throats?

Just study what you want

Provided you study something

And if you don’t
You better learn to code

Or program

Or do something interesting

Because these days

You need to be able to demonstrate

That you’re good for something

Preferably something

That impresses people

But we know

That might be

Too much to ask

And we think we’ve already been

Asking you kids

For a lot

Too much, probably

But hey--

Live and learn

Right?

The Hand Model

I held the necklace

And they asked me

Not to put it on

They told me

The hard part

Um, when they’re

Hiring hand models

Is to make sure

The models

Aren’t looking to, you know

Get in the shot

And so, sometimes

People will put on

Whatever it is they’re modeling

And sort of say--

‘Doesn’t this look nice?

Maybe you should take

A picture of my face

Or my, um, where you can see

The necklace

Or the shirt

Or whatever it is’

You’re not supposed

To ever do that

And there are people who do

Who then, um, they become known

As like, you don’t want work

With them

That’s why, when I’m on a job

I just keep my sunglasses on

And make it clear

That I know

What job

I am there to do

And, um,

People seem to appreciate that

The guy today

The one I was working for

He told me

That I was really professional

One of the best

He’s worked with

And I just nodded

I didn’t even answer him

Because I find that, like,

The less they get of you

The more they like you

And then you get rebooked

And my agent says

I get rebooked more than anyone

So that’s really exciting for me

And, like, my prospects

In the industry, I guess

This one girl though

She was really talkative

And for awhile

Nobody would work with her

And then this one photographer

He, uh, he just took a liking to her

And he would shoot

For other kinds of ads sometimes

And so he asked her

If she wanted to model

For this perfume

Just, do some shots

Because the agency handling the account

Asked if he could, like, come up with a concept

Or something like that

I’m not sure exactly how it happened

But it was all really unusual

In terms of how, like

One thing led to another

And, um, basically

She ended up becoming--

Like becoming a model

For more than just

Hand shoots

Um.

And it’s actually really bad

When that kind of thing happens

Because it makes other people think

Other hand models think, I mean

That what you need to do

Is what that girl did

Which is just really to, um, assert yourself

And talk and make an impression

And, like, ninety to a hundred percent

Of the time

They’re never looking for that

And you’ll get in so much trouble

If you’re this big personality

When they’re just looking for you

To come in

And stick your hands out

And get the shot

Like, it’s great that you have dreams

Or whatever

But you still have a job to do first

And so does everybody else there

And so if you’re going

To make it all about you

Then you’re just slowing everything down

And that’s really selfish of you

Because agencies and people

Spend a lot of money

Putting all these jobs together

And you don’t want them--

Like, they don’t need

To use hand models

They can just--

They can just leave the stuff

Sitting there on a table

Or a pedestal or whatever

And take a picture of it

They don’t need us

So I just get really mad

When people want you

To look at them

I never want anybody

To look at me

Like, you can pretend

I’m not even there

And I’ll be

Totally fine

With that

When We Survived the Plane Crash

When we survived the plane crash

We made a little home

On the island

Something like Swiss Family Robinson

But much more poorly constructed

Because we knew nothing

About architecture

Of which trees to cut down

To make our home with

When the rains came

The homes were washed away

And we needed to shelter

With the gabons

To stay dry

The wreckage landed

In the shallow part

Of the lagoon

And we would talk about

Swimming out to it

And retrieving what we could

Of belongings

And any canned peas

Someone might have thought to pack

But having to face

The death of our fellow passengers

Was too much for us

So instead we sat on the beach

Trying to construct sand castles

And failing

Because we didn’t know

How to mold the sand

In an effective way

Everything in life is technique

And we have no technique

When it comes to building

Or making a home

On a deserted island

All we have is luck

Luck helped us

Survive a plane crash

But now that we’ve survived

We have to continue surviving

And continual survival

Is much more difficult

Than one-time survival

We feel the luck

But the luck is a family member

Overstaying a welcome

At some point

You’d like them

To pick up a mop

And make themselves useful

Luck is not useful

Luck says--

‘I’m Luck

What more do you

Want me to be?’

We try discussing all this

With the gambons

But they’re busy

Peeling their bananas

And we don’t want to bother them

Because we’re their guests

During the endless monsoons

And while we would happily

Pick up a mop

And make ourselves useful

There are no mops

And there are no floors

And anytime we try

To do anything

Things collapse

And disintegrate

When we survived the plane crash

We spent so much time

Waiting on the beach

For other survivors to come

Stumbling out of the forest

We had fresh water ready

That we collected

In coconut shells

Held up under the falling rain

But no one came

And the water dried up

Never drank

Which is a waste

We felt wasteful

And lucky

And confused

Why would we survive

And what was it for

And why were the boats

That go by day and night

Setting off their horns at us

But not stopping

To rescue us

Off this island?

One night we walk by the lagoon
And the wreckage is lit up

On the inside

We see flight attendants

Walking down the aisles

Serving drinks

And handing out hot towels

And little by little

The plane pulls itself

From the water

And takes to the sky

Leaving us exactly

Where we are

Not feeling lucky

For the first time

In a long time

For Our Fans

      (A law office. TOM, TINA, and the MODERATOR are at a table.)

MODERATOR:  So you don't want to split up your, uh, assets?

TOM:  No.

TINA:  It's too lucrative.

TOM:  We don't want to risk it fracturing if we split up.

TINA:  We get along. We don't want to be married anymore, but we don't hate each other.

TOM:  Working together shouldn't be a problem. We just needed a moderator to help us create new boundaries and to, uh--

TINA:  Figure out what who is doing what.

TOM:  Yes.

MODERATOR:  Well that doesn't sound too hard. Last week I had a couple in here who wanted to work out a custody schedule for their living room couch.

     (The MODERATOR laughs. TOM and TINA do not.)

MODERATOR:  Okay, well, uh, let's begin. I guess the obvious question is--are the two of you still comfortable having sex with each other?

TINA:  What kind of sex?

MODERATOR:  Let's start wiiiiiiiiith intercourse?

TOM:  Position?

MODERATOR:  Missionary?

     (A beat.)

TOM/TINA:  I'm fine with that./Works for me.

MODERATOR:  I'm not a therapist, but I'm not sure that's the healthiest--

TINA:  Do you know how much money we make on our OnlyFans every week?

MODERATOR:  No?

TINA:  It's enough to pay for a therapist if we think we need one to deal with all our unhealthy decisions. What's next?

MODERATOR:  Tina on top?

TINA:  Front-facing or reverse?

MODERATOR:  Front-facing?

TINA:  I'm not comfortable with that.

TOM:  We do better with reverse anyway.

TINA:  That's actually not true, but--

TOM:  Then why are we giving up--

TINA:  Because I don't want to look at you, Tom.

TOM:  We already agreed to missionary.

TINA:  I don't look at you when we do missionary.

TOM:  You don't?

TINA:  I close my eyes.

TOM:  You do?

TINA:  Tom, how have you never noticed--

MODERATOR:  Since this isn't therapy, I'm not sure we should--

TINA:  You're right.

TOM:  Apologies.

MODERATOR:  Tina agrees to reverse, not front-facing. Doggie style?

TOM:  I hate that position.

TINA:  Do you hate it or are you uncomfortable with it?

TOM:  Why does that matter?

TINA:  Because I hate having sex with you, but it doesn't always make me uncomfortable.

TOM:  I'm still not sure what the question is.

TINA:  We're here to eliminate doing things that make us uncomfortable.

TOM:  If I hate something, wouldn't it, by default, make me uncomfortable?

TINA:  No.  I just said that I hate all sex with you but--

TOM:  You hate it all?

TINA:  Yes.

TOM:  Really?

TINA:  Tom, why do you think we're getting a divorce?

TOM:  I didn't think it was because--

TINA:  I hate sweet potatoes but I still ate them when we were married, because you liked them, and if somebody paid me what the OnlyFans is paying me to keep eating them, I would, whereas some things, some sexual things, are things I don't feel comfortable doing, and so there's not a price tag you can put on that.

TOM:  You mean you can't put a price tag on you looking at me while we have sex?

TINA:  A look or a glance?

TOM:  What's the difference?

MODERATOR:  A glance is quick. A look lingers.

TINA:  That was a lovely way of putting it.

MODERATOR:  I used to be a poet, but it doesn't pay well.

TOM:  I don't want to do doggie style.

TINA:  Then we won't. We don't make much off it anyway.

MODERATOR:  Oral sex?

TINA:  Him or me?

MODERATOR:  You on him.

TINA:  No.

MODERATOR:  Him on you.

TINA:  Fine with it.

TOM:  Hey!

TINA:  Tom?

TOM:  You're right. I'm fine with it.

MODERATOR:  And is kissing going to be involved in all this?

TINA:  I'd rather not kiss.

TOM:  That feels so impersonal.

TINA:  They're not subscribing for the warm feelings we give them, Tom.

TOM:  It's hard for me to get into it without kissing.

TINA:  It's hard for me to get into it when I know you've screwed every assistant I've ever had.

MODERATOR:  Let's stay on task.

TOM:  There was one I didn't screw.

MODERATOR:  Tom, are you okay with Tina continuing to tie you up?

TOM:  Sure. We already bought all the rope.

MODERATOR:  Tina?

TINA:  I'm fine with it.

MODERATOR:  Fantastic.

TOM:  What about the hot tub?

TINA:  I'm not having sex in the hot tub.

TOM:  People love the hot tub.

TINA:  Tom, it's not you, I just don't like having sex in the hot tub.

TOM:  You were the one who--

TINA:  I know, but once I did it--

MODERATOR:  But Tom, this means you can keep the hot tub.

TOM:  Great. Maybe I'll make videos with someone else.

TINA:  Absolutely not.

TOM:  What?

TINA:  You can't make videos with other people.

TOM:  Are you kidding?

TINA:  I'm not saying you can't have sex with other people. You just can't film it.

TOM:  That's my favorite part!

MODERATOR:  Tina's looking for exclusivity, Tom.

TOM:  She can't have it.

TINA:  I have to insist.

TOM:  You're not getting that.

TINA:  Tom, I'm agreeing to it too.

TOM:  I don't care.

MODERATOR:  Tom this is all about give and take.

TOM:  Well then take this and shove it up your--

MODERATOR/TINA:  Tom.

TOM:  I am not agreeing to only having sex with my ex-wife for the rest of my life.

TINA:  Again, only on camera.

TOM:  I never have sex off-camera.

TINA:  What a time for you to grow, Tom.

MODERATOR:  Might I suggest that you can film yourself, you just can't release it. Tina, would that be all right with you?

TINA:  If he wants to walk around with a bunch of videos nobody but him is going to see, have at it.

MODERATOR:  Tom, how do you feel about that?

TOM:  I can...work with that.

MODERATOR:  See?  We're doing so well.  Now, how many times a week do you two want to film?

TOM/TINA:  Six./Two.

     (A beat.)

MODERATOR:  We might be here for awhile.

     End of Play