Junk Food and Lottery Tickets

Spends all her money

On junk food

And lottery tickets

But what’s your business

And what’s not?

That's what you always have to ask yourself
As a mother

What's my business? Junk food isn't my business
And neither is gambling, so...

I told her

You do what you want

Not like she asks to borrow

Not like she asks for a loan

The other kids do--

Sam, Toby

Everybody wants a hand-out

But not Marissa

Marissa never asks

Never asks for a thing

I go over her house

And there she is

With the pretzel bags

And no job

I ask her how she even--

How she even affords

The pretzels, you know?

It’s not like junk food is cheap

Just ‘cause it’s junk

She tells me ‘Don’t worry about it’

So I don’t

Because I do what I’m told

Even when it’s my kids

Telling me to do it

God knows I never got all my stuff

In ways people would want to know about

So who am I to judge

And since I can’t judge

I don’t ask

That’s how that works

Every once in awhile

I’ll go over there

And she’ll hand me a lottery ticket

And say--

Hey Mom, this one’s a winner

And I take it

And cash it for her

And she lets me keep

Twenty or thirty of it

Marissa is lucky

I’ll give her that

Never had anybody lucky in the family

Until her

So maybe she’s living on luck

Luck and pretzels

And that soda she likes

That they only sell

At the one store

I buy a pack

And bring it to her

That’s my how I get to see her

Because she won’t invite me over

Not because she doesn’t like me

But because she isolates herself

And forgets that people are something you need

In your life

Not necessarily family

But people

Usually when I get there

Somebody I don’t know

Is walking out the door

Who’s that, Marissa?

Don’t worry about it

Okay, so I don’t

I can’t worry about stuff

People tell me

Not to worry about

The stuff I do need

To worry about

Has enough of my mind locked up

Sam, Toby--gotta worry about them
But I don't have to tell you that

And I think the reason I don’t worry about Marissa

Is because I get the feeling

That something’s going to happen to her someday

And when it does

Nobody and nothing’s going to stop it

Not me worrying

And not me checking in on her

And not me bugging her

Because she’s living off Doritos

And cross-checking lottery tickets for hours

Seeing if she’s hit the big one

So she can finally get a leg up

And a foot out the door

Girl’s only got a little bit of time

Before whatever’s gonna happen happens

And nobody knows what it is

Except maybe Marissa

I look at her

And I think

That girl knows how it’s all

Going to end

Eight People in a Supermarket

I walk into a store

And there could be eight people in that store

One of them got there--

Let’s say this is a supermarket, okay?
It’s a supermarket

So one of them got there

--One of the eight

Got there thirty minutes ago

Really taking her time

Enjoying her, uh, time

At the market

The second one got there

Ten minutes ago

Maybe in a bit of a rush

But not really

The third person got there

Eight minutes ago

But has nothing to do

For the rest of the day

And really likes food shopping

But, like, isn’t going to space it out

Just for the hell of it

And let’s say I’m in there

Let’s say those three people are in there first

And then I’m in there

For about twenty minutes

And during that twenty minutes

The other five people come in

At varying times

And that’ll get us to eight

Even though that wasn’t what I originally--

I was going in a different direction

But that would take too long

So let’s just go with this instead

Eight people in the market

Three there before me at varying times

Five after me at varying times

And me

And one cashier

Only one

Just one

Okay?

Got it?

Now

I can promise you

Promise you

That when I am ready to check out

And go to that one cashier

Every other person in that market

Will also decide

To check out

All of them

Heading--at quite a clip

No matter how much

They might or might not

Like being at the market

They will race to that cashier

And most, if not all of them,

Will beat me there

And that’s how I know

There’s no god

That, in fact,

Is how I know

That there is

Whatever the opposite

Of god is

Floating around

In the Universe

Because no matter what happens

I wind up being in a store with eight people

Who all decide

Almost conspiratorially

To make my day

As shitty as possible

And that happens ALL the time

In traffic

At the mall

Entering and exiting

Literally

Any building

People seem determined

To slow me down

At all costs

And it is infuriating

And I guess people

Happy people

Probably don’t notice it?

They just sort of wind up

Getting everywhere later

Than they would like

And chalk it up to

The way of the world

But I--me

I know what’s going on

I know that it’s an anti-god

Conspiring against me

And that’s why I don’t see any point engaging

That’s why I don’t see any reason

To be a part of the world

Because the world just wants

To make me late

And hold me up

And hold me back

And I need is milk

And Oreos

That’s it

Why does that have to be

So hard

And I Wish He Didn't Look Like You

This kid’s got the longest hair

No idea

No idea where he gets it

But it grows so fast

We can’t cut it

Quick enough

No more barbers either

No more trips to the barber

I just do it myself

Because who has that money

Every two weeks to spend

On a barber

Your dad says

Your hair never grew like that

Mine doesn’t either so--

Must be one of those recessive genes

Or something

I joke sometimes

When stuff like that comes up

Stuff about him

That’s not you

And not me

I joke, but--

Then I look at him

And he’s like your little twin

I was thinking--

I was thinking the other night

About how weird it’s going to be

When he gets to be fifteen

Because

Because that’s when I met you

And I was thinking, you know

If he’s still your little spitting image

When he turns fifteen

What’s that going to be like

For me?

I don’t think about back then

I don’t...

Makes me think of you

And my brother

And all the stuff I had

That I don’t have

Anymore

I’m not too bad about--

I’ve been taking these classes

These gratitude classes

Reading books

About

You know

Looking at what you have

And just being happy with that

But it’s hard to do it

If you remember

What you lost

So I try not to think about all that

And just keep my eye on what’s left

And most of that’s the kid

You know?

And I think I’m doing an okay job

He’s a good kid

Doesn’t get into trouble

He’s got a big mouth

Like you

And getting him to take a shower is--

That’s just being a kid, I guess

But I wanted you to know

He’s doing good

And that he’s being, you know

Well-taken care of

I just wish he was better at math

Because I’m trying to help him

With his homework

And I think he’s probably going to fail

Because of me

And, uh--

And I wish he didn’t look

So much like you

Which is terrible

It’s terrible to say

Because this woman in my support group

She’s always talking about how happy she is

That her daughter looks like the dad

Because it’s this nice reminder for her

And, uh, I don’t know

I guess she likes having a reminder

But--

I don’t really

And I don’t mean that

To hurt you, you know

If you can be hurt

Probably where you are

There is no hurt

But I can still hurt here

And I do

I hurt a lot

I look at him

And there you are

Poor kid doesn’t know

Why Mom can’t look at him

Without crying sometimes

And I can’t even tell him

I just say I’m sad

And I don’t say about what

And he doesn’t ask

Kid’s smart

Smart enough
Not to ask