The Blonde Boy in the Picture

The first guy I ever liked
Was the blonde boy in the picture

He looks like he's eighteen or nineteen
So, when I first saw it
He was older than me

A lot older than me
And I...

I don't know

I liked him

I needed a photo of my dad for school
So I used the one has of him golfing
Because it looked really Dad-ish
And the photo of the blonde guy
Was right behind it

I didn't think anything of it

Maybe it was some relative of my Dad's
Or some friend he used to have

Maybe it was the photo that came with the frame

I didn't care
I just loved looking at it

I kind of...loved looking at it...a lot

You know--A LOT

And when I got older, I started looking for guys like that
Like the guy in the photo

That's how I wound up with Aaron

I met him at the church
Where he's getting married

How messed up is that?

I sing at different churches
And he was there
Checking the place out during a mass
With his fiancee
This really tough-looking girl

The first thing I thought was--

He looks like the blonde boy in the picture

I remember him turning around in the pew
And looking up at me
And smiling

It was kind of...hot

After the mass
He came back into the church
Told his fiancee he dropped his keys
And as I was coming down from the balcony
He handed me his number

That's right
I scored a number in church
That's like, the sin next to murder in the Bible

The first time we hung out
Was in my college dorm room

It was right before Christmas break
And everybody had gone home early

I remember sitting on my bed with Aaron
Like we were twelve or something
And he looked at the photo I have
Of me and my dad at my last softball game
When I was kid and he said--

'Is that your Dad?'

I said--'Yeah'

And he said--'Now I know why you're so handsome.'

It was...so awkward

But sweet, too, I guess

About a second after that
We started making out
And then, yeah, you know

This was all when I was still straight
I mean, I kind of still think I am straight
At least, I feel straight
I don't know
I haven't been not straight for very long?

It's sort of like when I turned twenty

I didn't feel twenty
I still felt like I was fourteen
I still felt like a kid
It took a long time to feel twenty
And even then it just felt the same
As every other age

That's what being not straight feels like
It still feels like being straight

So, no, I don't have any identity issues or anything
I just don't feel--gay, you know?

I feel straight

But I still wanted to talk to my Dad
Because he and I are like incredibly close
And I just wouldn't feel right
Lying to him about anything

But I didn't know how he would take it
Because we've never really talked about sex
Or anything

So anyway, I came home for break
And--it's weird
I don't know why
But--I was going to talk to him
And he wasn't home
So, to kind of, build up my courage
Or relax, or whatever
I figured--

Hey, why not have a visit with my old friend
The blonde boy in the picture?

And the picture was still there
Same old frame
Right behind Dad's golfing photo

But this time
When I--started
I got to thinking

Why was that photo hidden?

Why did my Dad keep it all those years?

And between thinking about that
And thinking about the guy in the photo
I didn't even hear the front door open downstairs
And my Dad was two steps into my bedroom
Before I could hide the photo
And, you know, clothe myself

Obviously, it was an uncomfortable moment

My Dad ran out of the room
And shut the door

Then, a minute later
When I was--composed
I heard a knock on the door

'Yeah?'--I said

'Um,' I could hear his voice, he sounded...weird

I mean, obviously weird
But like, more weird than weird
More like--disturbed

'Um,' he said, 'Where did you get that photo?'

I realized the photo flew out of my hand
When I jumped up off the bed
And it landed right underneath the door
So he could see it sticking out
Right there in the hallway

Wow, I thought
Not exactly the way
I wanted to come out to my Dad

So I opened the door
And told him how I found the photo

'And,' he said, still looking really...unsettled

'And,' he said, 'You...enjoy this photo?'

'Uh,' I said, wanting to die, 'Yeah...you know...yeah.'

Then I realized that maybe the reason he looked so upset
Was because of the photo itself

'Dad,' I said, 'Who is that?'

My Dad sat down
Sat down right there in the hallway
Right outside my bedroom door

He looked like a little kid

And he said--

'This was my friend'

Pause, like, a considered pause

And then--

'His name was Chris'

As in...my name

'Uh,' I said, 'Did you...name me after him?'

My dad nodded

Wow

I've been jerking off to my namesake

How messed up is that?

Then my Dad started to tell me about Chris
And even though he left a lot out
I still kind of got the gist of it

When he was finished
I sat down next to him
Still feeling kind of uncomfortable
And I told him about Aaron

. . . . .

Aaron's getting married

I mean, obviously
I told you he was engaged
But he's...really getting married

Like, it's going to happen

He's not suddenly going to realize
That he likes guys
And cancel the whole thing

He is getting married

And I...

I'm kind of in love with him

I know I may not be
But it feels like I am
It at least feels like
He shouldn't be getting married
Like, maybe he doesn't want to
I don't know

When I told my Dad about it
He said that I should do
Whatever I feel I have to do

I was like, 'Dad, he's getting married.'

My Dad just shrugged and said--

'Do what you have to do.'

It was...pretty awesome of him

Until I realized that maybe
He never planned on sitting with his son
Hearing him say the same stuff out loud
He probably said to himself in his head
Twenty years ago
When he said good-bye to Chris number one

Dad never asked me for that photo back
I guess he probably didn't want it
After he knew what I'd been doing with it

I haven't done...that...since
But, I do still look at it
Every once in awhile

The guy in it looks so young now
I mean, he's younger in the photo
Than I am now, but I mean--

He looks like a kid
Just a kid

And I think of him
And remember
That my Dad was the same age as him

The two of them were just kids
And one decided to get married
And one decided to disappear

All those big decisions
About who they were
And who they were going to be
And all when they were just kids

How do you make a decision about who you are
When you're not even there yet?

Maybe that's what I can say
When I talk to Aaron