He Told the Dog First

He told the dog first

My brother
The dog

He told the dog first

I heard him in his room
Talking to Spotsie

That was our dog

She was a cocker spaniel

And a good listener
I'll give her that

I used to hear him in his room
When I'd come home from school

I was only eleven
He was fifteen
And I'd hear him talk to Spotsie
About...

You know, being--that

And, who he liked
At school, and stuff

I guess at one point
He had a friend
A boyfriend

Sometimes he would tell the dog
About movies he liked
Or teachers he didn't like
Or what he thought he would do
Once he got out of school

And I would sit outside his door
With my backpack still on
And I would learn about my brother

And you know...

He never talked about me

I always felt--bad
About that

It never really hit me
That my brother wasn't straight

I don't know why, but--

I heard what he was saying
I understood what he was saying
But I didn't really think it meant anything

Maybe because he was saying it to the dog
Maybe because he wasn't saying it to me

We'd be sitting at dinner
Me, my mom, my dad, and Chris, my brother
And my mom would talk to my dad
And my dad would talk to my mom
And they'd both talk to me
And I'd talk
And Chris--

Chris wouldn't talk
Not at all

And my parents didn't notice

And I wanted them to talk to him
I wanted them to ask him
About his day
Ask how he was doing

I wanted them to say something to him

I guess I could have said something to him
But I always felt like if I spoke
He'd know what I was doing
Every day after school

When my brother graduated from high school
He was supposed to be going to UCLA
And instead he went...

Somewhere else

I'm not sure where

By that point, I was barely in high school
And I wasn't thinking too much about my brother

I remember my parents being on the phone a lot then
I guess they were trying to figure out
Where he went

I would sit outside Chris' door with Spotsie
And do my home work

My mom would ask me why I was sitting there
But I would just shrug

I guess she was too busy worrying about Chris
To argue with me about it

Finally, one day mom and dad pulled me into the kitchen
And asked me if I knew about Chris

'Do you know, George? Do you know about Chris?'

I looked at them
Then I looked at Spotsie
Sitting on the floor
Looking up at me

I wondered
I actually wondered
If maybe she knew where Chris was

'Did he, George? Did he?'

They were looking at me
They wanted to know
If I knew where he was

They found Chris' yearbook
And inside it there was a message
From one of his classmates
This kid Mike
Saying thank you
Saying you changed my life
Saying I love you, Chris

I love you

'George, did he tell you where he was going?'

My dad was pacing
Back and forth
At the head of the table

But my mom was sitting across from me
Staring right at me
And she grabbed both my hands
And screamed--

'GEORGE! You sat outside his room every day! Did you think I didn't know? Did you both think I was stupid? What did he tell you? Where is he, George? WHERE IS HE?'

And Spotsie bit her

No word of a lie
My dog, who never so much as yipped
Bit my mother's leg

And she jumped up
The chair falling backward
And my dad grabbed her
Before she could attack the dog

And they both fell down into a pile
Crying and shaking
And looking at me
Like I had done something wrong

And I wanted to tell them

I didn't

He didn't tell me

He didn't tell me
Anything