Isabella's Fifteen Minutes

There are certain things
About being a celebrity
That I do not enjoy

For one thing
The fourth grade boys
Keep wanting to date me
Despite the fact
That I'm not interested
In older men

And have made that clear
On several occasions

Then there's all the questions

People want to know things about me
And what I think about things

The other day, Faith asked me
What I thought of Christina Marks
Kissing another girl

And I told her
That when you're a girl
And you're famous
You have to kiss
At least one other girl a week
Or nobody will pay attention to you

Tony! Could you get me a hot chocolate?

Thank you, darling

That's Tony Mars

He's my new boyfriend

All the other girls wanted him
To be their boyfriend
Because he's in a wheelchair
And that means he's a tortured soul

But I got him
Because, like him
I'm misunderstood

Sometimes we just sit around
And act sad together

It's super romantic

Now look, I'm sure you want to hear
All about how I became famous
But to be honest, I tell this story
Like, eight times a day

Plus it was in the school newspaper

So I'll give you the alleviated version
Which is the version that doesn't hurt as much
As the long one

Basically, a gorilla that escaped from the local zoo
Somehow wound up in my backyard
And the local news came and did a story about it
And I got to be on the television

It was the top story
On the eleven o'clock news

I was an overnight sensation
And I didn't even know about it
Because I have to be in bed by nine

When I woke up the next day
Everything had changed

Holly, this girl in my class
Says that my fame was given to me unfairly
Because some stupid gorilla walked into my backyard

But I told her that she's just jealous
Because it'd take two zebras and a giraffe
For anybody to put her ugly face on television

Besides, if I didn't have star quality to begin with
My fame would have faded
Just like how my friend Alvaro's fame faded

For two whole days, he was the coolest kid in school
Because he figured out how to shoot grape juice
From his eyeballs

Then Mrs. Brugel forbid him from doing it anymore
And his fifteen minutes were up

Gabriel the janitor taught me that

That everybody gets fifteen minutes
Where they get to be a star

But Gabriel said that those fifteen minutes are relative
Meaning each of the minutes is the other minute's mothers
Or brothers or aunts or something

And it means you can probably get more than fifteen minutes
If you know what to do

And I know what to do
Believe me

When Gabriel disappeared
I came forward
And gave the school newspaper an interview
Where I gave my thoughts
About what had happened to Gabriel

I told them that, like me
He had been the victim
Of the spotlight's glare

And so he had to retreat to a secluded place
Far off the boundaries of the world--

Montana

I didn't know where Montana was exactly
I just overheard about it in geography
When I was waking up from my catnap

I wasn't sure that's where Gabriel went
But what did it matter?

It was my opinion
And I'm famous
And that means my opinion is the best
Which means he probably WAS in Montana!

Being famous is sort of like being a textbook
If you say something's true
Then it has to be true
Just because you say it is

It's magical!

Then Mrs. Brugel told us what ACTUALLY happened
With Gabriel
And it wasn't nearly as exciting
As thinking of him
Fending for himself
In the mysterious realm of Montana

And everybody got mad at me
Because apparently
When you say something that's not true
You're lying!

Even if you're still on minute thirteen!

I didn't understand at all

Gabriel once told me
That people love to put you on a podium
When you're famous
And then watch you fall off

I, however, was pushed off the back of the slide
During recess

By Holly, of course

Knowing I was no longer at the top of the food chain
I went to the zoo to see their food chain exhibit
To try and figure out who I'd have to eat
To get back up to the top

While my Mom went off to find a wine vendor
I found myself in front of the gorilla cage

And there she was--Tammy Wynette

The gorilla who made me a star

At that moment, I knew that it wasn't star quality
That had sent me soaring into superstardom

It was Tammy

I was just tanning in the tanning bed
Of her fame

As I watched her pick bugs
Off what I'm guessing is her husband

I remembered the last thing
Gabriel the Janitor ever said to me

I asked him if he was ever famous
And he said--

'When you're good to the people who love you, you're famous every day.'

I guess I wasn't always good
To my friends
To the people who liked me
Even before I was Isabella the Inter-school Sensation

So the next day
When I went into school
I stuck gum in Holly's hair
And yelled out--

'I'm back everybody! Good old, quiet, shy Isabella is back'

And even though there wasn't any cheering
And even though there wasn't any applause
And even though only two other kids were in the room

That day at lunch
Tony Mars let me eat the candy bar
His Mom packed for him
And Alvaro told me a new joke

And Gabriel was right

I felt like I was back in those fifteen minutes
And it felt like they were going to go on
Forever