Holly the 3rd Grade Patriot

Look, if you want to know what happened to the janitor
It's pretty simple

He got deported

I know all about deportation
Because for my third grade presentation
On 'What Makes Me American'

I decided to take a different approach
And did a multimedia extravaganza
On what makes someone
NOT American

For example, I am American because I speak American
Which is like English but with cooler words
Like 'totes' and 'skank' and 'sup' used to find out
What's going on with someone

Imagine if we hadn't separated from Great Britain
We'd still be saying things like--

'How's your father? Blimey, Elizabeth is such a tart. Bangers and mash!'

Instead of--

'Sup? Um can we talk about how Lizzie's a skank? Totes.'

That is an American sentence
And that's why it's so rockin'
With no 'g' and an apostrophe at the end of it

Here in America
We have no use for 'g's

Everythin's rockin' and rollin' and totes amazin'
Just the way it is

'G's are un-American if you ask me
They were a big part of my presentation

And if you think 'G's are American
Then that means you're un-American
Because once something has been dubbed un-America
If you argue and say it IS American
Then you're un-American
And that means you burn the flag
And hate barbecue chicken
Which also makes you nuts

I said in my presentation
That it should be easy to tell
Who the non-Americans are
In any situation
Because they're the ones
Who don't cry when an adorable third grade girl
Sings the National Anthem in front of the whole school
And only forgets two words because she's so nervous
But nevertheless kept the momentum of the song going
Thereby moving any real Americans to tears!

And I believe those people who didn't cry--

Who perhaps mocked this true patriot

--Should be shot by a firing squad

Hey, why should my parents' tax dollars
Go to fund terrorist cells
Like Jane Coopersmith's fourth grade clique
Who laughed when I accidently changed
'Dawn's early light' into 'Dawn's surly plight'

AN HONEST MISTAKE!

I say just put everyone like Jane Coopersmith on a boat
Sail them out to a shark-infested area of ocean
And set the boat on fire
While you watch Jane and her friends
Choose between being lit up like a Fourth of July firecracker
Or eaten alive by Great Whites

Hey! We could broadcast it on Fox News!

MSNBC has been corrupted by the liberals
They'd never air anything that patriotic
To them, it'd be like airing a documentary on Betsy Ross
When in reality it would be way more entertaining than that

Gabriel the Janitor didn't laugh at me
When I sang my song

Actually, he shook my hand afterwards
And I think I saw tears in his eyes when he said--

'You did America proud today, Holly.'

Gee, now I'm sad that he might have been deported

After all, just because he wasn't born here
Doesn't make him un-American

Now I wish I had taught him the lingo

If only he'd known how to talk to the immigration people

'I'm like totes sorry, Mr. Immigration Guy, but don't you think Jane Coopersmith is a way bigger traitor than me AND she's a skank.'

Maybe then, he'd still be here
Pledging his allegiance
With the rest of us