The Dog Will Get You Back

Stacey, I'm going to let you
Keep the dog

Because we did, in fact
Get the dog together
As a couple

A loving couple
Who loved each other
And loved dogs
And wanted to have one big
Dog-loving, happy family

And although I've protested
Many, many times
That the dog likes me better

I would now like you
To keep it

Because I am more than confident
That if I leave that dog with you

It will royally fuck up your life

Let's face it

That dog hates you

It hates your guts

We talk about it sometimes

Well, I talk about it
And Snicker listens

I tell her that she should love you
Because you're not a bad person
Just a confused person
Who likes ruining other people's lives

And she listens to what I have to say
And then vigorously shakes her head
As if to say--

'Nope. I'm not buying it. Stacey's evil.'

And after awhile
I started thinking about it

Hmm, I thought, maybe Snickers is right
Maybe Stacey is evil

Well, of course
I couldn't leave her with you
After realizing
Who you truly were

So I said to Snickers

'Snickers,' I said, 'I'm going to take you with me.'

But as soon as I said that
She ran over to the bookshelf
And--

So help me God
This really happened

--Pawed at one of the books

And when I pulled it out

Do you know what it was?

The Bible

Good vs. Evil
God vs. The Devil
Jonah vs. The Whale

(The dog being Jonah, you being the Whale)

The dog was telling me
To leave her behind
So she could thwart you
From destroying the life
Of another man

I didn't want to do it

I begged her

I said 'Please Snickers, come with me. I'm getting an apartment on the East Side, right next to a dog park and a bacon store!'

Okay, I lied about the bacon store
But I was trying to save our dog
From martyring herself

But she didn't want to hear it

She said that everyone was put on this earth for a purpose
And her purpose is to chew up your shoes
And piss on any scumbag you deem worthy
Of entering what used to be our home

Again, she didn't say this
So much as it implied it
By licking certain parts of herself
And then running around in a circle

So I'm leaving her here, Stacey

I'll miss her
But she's made her choice
As you have made yours

Before I left
I noticed her laying next to my side of the bed
Gnawing on one of my sneakers
And whimpering

God help you, Stacey

God help you