Tony Mars and the Girlfriends

My name is Tony Mars
And I am irresistible

I'm also in a wheelchair
Which is pretty obvious

I'm not planning on talking about
Being in a wheelchair

So if that's what you were hoping for
I guess you're going to have to go listen
To somebody else

I'm here to talk about being bewitching

That's a word my friend Faith taught me
She learned it from her father's Word-a-Day calendar

Faith is in love with me
Which I feel bad about
Because Faith isn't really my type

She's just too in her own head
Because her parents are getting divorced right now

I try to be there for her
But now I'm afraid she's mistaking my friendship
For something more

I told Gabriel about it
He's the janitor
And after school
We sit and talk
About my girl friends with a space between girl and friends
And my girlfriends with no space

Gabriel says it's funny I call them girlfriends with no space
Because when you have a girlfriend space is the last thing you have

I don't get that
But I laughed when he said it anyway
Because I didn't want him thinking
I'm stupid when it comes to girls

Gabriel says girls like Faith have lots of baggage
And that means Faith is definitely not my type
Because packing for a trip
Is my least favorite thing to do

Holly wants to be my girlfriend without a space
But my friend Tony Hooper says she's a tyrant
And that if you kiss her
You can taste the blood
Of the babies she's eaten

I did kiss her once
And it didn't taste like babies' blood
Not that I've ever had babies' blood
But Holly's mouth tasted like the turnips
My Mom makes me eat

And when I was like--Ew, your mouth tastes like turnips
She was like--That's 'cause I eat turnips all the time
And I was like--Ew, that's worse than babies!
And she was like--Ew! You've been talking to Tony Hooper!
And I was like--He's my best friend.
And she was like--He's the grossest thing ever. I saw him lick his own armpit once.
And I was like--You're totally lying!
And she was like--Am not!
And I was like--Yeah, you totally are!
And she was like--Well, you're a sped!

And normally that really would have hurt my feelings
But I know that Holly was speaking from a place of rejection
Which is what Gabriel told me later

Plus when it happened I remembered that she's just a total bitch

And one day
If stem cell research keeps going the way it's going
I may not be in this chair anymore
But Holly will always have turnip breath

Lauren is sort of my girlfiend
Because she already has boobs

Gabriel says she developed early
And that I should be sensitive to that

I said, Gabriel, I'm totally sensitive to it! It's the whole reason I want to date her!

She's a little crazy too though

Faith just has issues
But Lauren is full-on crazy

Her parents write detective novels
So she thinks she's in some big murder movie
All the time

The other day she asked me
If I could meet her after school
Behind the dumpster
So she could tell me who killed Hector

I didn't know who Hector was
So I really didn't care that he was dead
And the dumpster smells
So I said I couldn't meet her
Even though I think she wanted to kiss me

Fine, she said, but don't think I don't know who you were dancing with at the Copa last night!

I don't know what the 'Copa' is
But I think it's a place where crazy girls go
To dance with guys named Hector

I was going to tell Gabriel about that
But he's gone now

I guess he probably had girl trouble
Since he knew so much about girls

He said a wife
But maybe he had a girlfriend with a space too

My uncle had a girlfriend and a wife
And then my aunt found out about it
And now he has only one good arm
And a twitch

I don't really have anyone to talk to
About my girlfriends anymore

My friend Alvaro likes older women
Which I think is disgusting

He's dating this old hag from the fourth grade
And it's the weirdest thing ever

And Tony says he can't worry about girls
Because he wants to be a surgeon one day
And that means he doesn't have to worry about girls
Because he'll be so rich he can just buy a house
That comes with a wife and kids

I don't really know if I want to get married
When I grow up

I'd like kids
But I'd like my own kids
That I wouldn't have to share
With some crazy girl
Who'd make them pack suitcases all the time
And eat turnips
And go dancing at the Copa

Maybe when I get older
I can go find Gabriel
And we can be two guys who never get married
And instead go on adventures
All across the country
All across the WORLD

Breaking the hearts
Of girls everywhere

That'd be like the coolest life ever

And maybe after I'm done
Breaking all those hearts
I'd come back here and see if Faith is done unpacking her baggage

And then maybe I'd marry her
'Cause she is kind of cool

You know, for a girl