First of all, the janitor might have been
The coolest guy ever
His name was Gabriel
And he was the only adult in the building
We didn't have to call Mr. or Mrs.
Which meant he was one of us
So now that he's gone
It's like we've lost one of our own
That's my first of all
Second of all, there is much speculation
About what might have happened to Gabriel
Some of the kids in my class
Think that he went to be janitor
At Stone Hill Elementary
Which would be the ultimate betrayal
If Gabriel went somewhere else to be janitor
He'd be another Eggs Benedict
Which is the grossest way to make an egg
Which is why that's such a bad thing to be
I don't think Gabriel went to Stone Hill
Because the thing a janitor hates doing most
Is throwing sand on barf
And at Stone Hill you'd practically have to build a giant sandbox
Because all they do at that school
Is pick their noses
Eat it and then throw up everywhere
...At least that's what I heard
From my cousin who goes there
And that's my second of all
Did you know when you pick your nose
You make God throw up
And that's why there's air pollution?
My Mom told me that
She discovered religion recently
I'm not sure where it was hiding
But she's super happy she found it
Whereas I keep telling her to put it back
Because now we have to get up at eight on Sundays
To go visit God at church
I don't know why God wants to see all his friends
So early in the morning on their day off
We're all in a bad mood
And if God can read my mind
I bet he'd rather I just stay home and sleep
Although this Sunday when I went
I concentrated really hard
And I prayed for Gabriel
I don't know why nobody will tell us what happened to him
Our teacher, Mrs. Brugel, says that he 'moved on to better things'
But what could be better than us?
I know it must have bothered Gabriel
To have to stop at our classroom
That time Fat Pants tried hiding chocolate
In the back corner of his desk
And ants ended up building a colony
In his math textbook
But stuff like that builds character
Building character is what my dad says
Every time something happens to me
That's really terrible
My Dad says--You're building character!
And I say--What character am I building? Is it Donald Duck? Because he doesn't wear pants...
Then my mom says--You're emotionally scarring him!
And I say--Is that a real thing?
And my dad says--No, you're mom's crazy.
And my mom says she wishes she still believed in divorce
And then we all have to go to church
Because we're heathens
Which means we love Harry Potter more than God
...Which I do, and I don't care if God knows it. When God beats Voldemort, then God can get all high and mighty
When I asked God to tell me
What happened to Gabriel
I didn't get an answer back
It made me really sad
Especially because if I'm going to get up
So early in the morning
I should at least get the answer
To one lousy question
But instead I just got nothing
And my mom says--
Sometimes God gives us an answer
And we just don't want to hear it
And I said--Is that like when I ask for a puppy and you give me a jar of peanut butter and a spoon?
And she said--Actually, yes, it's exactly like that.
I guess God wants me to eat peanut butter
And not worry so much about Gabriel
But I can't help it
I miss him
He used to come into our classroom every Monday
And show us all the fun stuff he found on the playground
That people left there over the weekend
Well, wherever Gabriel is
I hope knows I said a prayer for him
I prayed that wherever he is
There are kids there
Who like him as much as we did
And I didn't hear God say anything
So who knows?
Maybe that prayer came true
No comments:
Post a Comment