Charlie Gets Stoned with His Daughter's Father-in-Law

Charlie came over to the house once
For a barbecue we were having
For the kids

They had been married a few months
And I said to my wife--

'We should have the kids over.  Charlie, too.  Poor Charlie never gets to go to anything because that ex-wife of his.  I'm surprised they even invited him to the wedding.'

Then my wife goes on about how he had a drinking problem
And we don't know the whole story
And I just want to have a barbecue
So I can use that overpriced grill I bought

Wives always stick together

Guy has a drinking problem for a few years
And he's gotta be a pariah for the rest of his life

Screw that, I said, Charlie's comin' over

So the kids came over
And about twenty minutes later
Charlie shows up
And I guess I forgot to tell his daughter
Because she looked all sorts of upset
And she went into the house
And that's when my pussywhipped son
Went in after her
To hold her hand
While she cries
About how tough life is

When I was kid
My dad used to make me and my brothers
Dig holes in the backyard
Looking for buried treasure

That was before people were called scizophrenics
Back then, you were just called 'colorful'

Then my wife pulls me into the kitchen
And yells at me
About surprising Charlie's daughter like that
And how could I be so insensitive
And this whole idea was stupid
And what were we going to do with all this pasta salad she made?

So after awhile we hear a car drive off
And a bedroom door slam
And there's poor Charlie sitting there
On the patio table
With this little plate in front of him
Looking like he's still waiting for his hot dog

Poor bastard

So I figured--Screw it

I said, 'Charlie, are alcoholics allowed to get stoned?'
And he goes, 'Well--'
And I don't wait for him to answer
Because I don't really give a shit

I go into my tool shed
And come back with some medicine
For the two of us

Next thing you know
We're sitting with our legs
Dangling in the pool
Sipping beers
Stoned out of our minds

Talking about kids
And how no matter what you do
They turn it around
So it looks like something bad

I was the first person to get my son stoned
And now he votes for people who don't speak English
And drives a Prius

What the fuck, you know?

I got a little liberal with my parenting
And he went and became King of Liberal Town
And that's probably how he married Charlie's daughter
Because she's the same damn way

That's why she's still crying
Over Daddy having too many drinks

Let me tell you something
Back when I was a kid
We didn't have alcoholics
Or pill poppers
Or child abusers
Or any of that shit

We had parents
Just parents

And you didn't expect them to do a good job
You just expected them to put food on the table
And make sure the roof didn't leak

As long as they did that
Then they were successful child-rearers

And as far as I know
Charlie did that
So who's to say he was a bad dad, huh?

We were enjoying ourselves
Out there by the pool

I could hear my wife in the living room
Watching a 'Designing Women' rerun

I'd love to tell you what else me and Charlie talked about
But all I remember is this joke he told
That was pretty damn stupid
But I laughed at it for a good ten minutes
Until I fell over into the pool
And Charlie had to dive in and save me
Because fuck if I can swim any better
Than a lead weight with lipstick on

So there you go
Charlie saved my life

My wife screamed at me
While I was laying half-conscious on the ground
But later on when she was making up the couch for me
She said--

'That Charlie isn't so bad'

And let me tell you
Coming from her
That's a hell of a compliment

Charlie Graduates

Charlie went to college
In the same town that I did

Except he went to the University
I just went to the state school

Still, kinda funny

The whole town is made up
Of these two schools
And you'd think there was a stone wall
Between the students
Who go to them

State school kids here
Fancy university kids here

Maybe that's why Charlie and I didn't meet
Until our last semesters
At our respective schools

Or maybe fate is just cruel

Either way
That's what happened

I ran him over with my bike

I was running late to class
And Charlie never looked
When he crossed the street
It was one of his bad habits
I don't know if anyone else has told you that
But it was a real problem

I'm surprised he hadn't been hit by anyone sooner

But, I mean, I was going a little fast
And bam--right into him

I asked him if he wanted me to take him to Health Services
But he said I could just take him to dinner

He had his moments

All those university guys are very charming
They don't teach them how to cross a street
But they do teach them charm

We went out on a couple of dates
When we could fit them in

We were both finishing up our student teaching
And Charlie was getting a degree in Computer Science on top of that
So mostly we'd get dinner at the all-night hot dog joint
And make out in the laundry room
Of my dorm

I wish I had some funny stories about when we dated
But all I remember is that it went by too fast

One night we were lying in Charlie's dorm room
With boxes everywhere
Talking about how it wouldn't make sense
To try to keep dating

I got a job in Seattle
And Charlie was going back home
To teach at his high school
So that was that

Sometimes I wonder how people do it

Get through all the changes in life

I put on a good face for Charlie that night
But when I left in the morning
I cried all the way across his quad
Back to my dorm
Where I crawled into bed with my roommate
And sobbed into the shoulder
Of whatever guy she'd brought home the night before

'Don't mind her,' she told him, 'Her boyfriend goes to the University.'

The last thing I remember about Charlie
Is him walking across the stage
At his graduation

I stood on the outskirts of the field
While all the parents and friends
Of the students at the university cheered

It felt right to be there

Watching, but not engaging

Looking at this incredible moment in Charlie's life
But not being a part of it
Not really

I know I've probably already taken up too much time here
But I'd like to say one more thing
If that's okay

Charlie never made me feel like the girl from the state school
Like the girl from the other side of the wall

It's not unusual for university guys
To date girls from across town
And say they're slumming it
But Charlie wasn't like that

If anything he treated me like I was better than him
Like he was the lucky one

I miss Charlie
I miss him everyday

I think about him every time I do laundry
Every time I get a late night hog dog from this place in Seattle that stays open until two

Every time I cross the street
I look both ways
And think of Charlie

Charlie's Secret Admirer

I had a crush on Charlie
When we were in college

We took a class today

'Human Sexuality'

The class was not as exciting as it sounds

Mostly we looked at photos
Of all kinds of human genitalia
And then talked about it

You ever spend two hours
Talking about Fallopian tubes?

It kind of takes all the mystique away
From the human sexual experience

But the class was worth it for me
Because I got to see Charlie

He would sit in the third row
And blush, just blush
Throughout the entire class

It was the cutest thing you ever saw

Then one day
Class is over
And I'm getting ready to leave
When Charlie walks up to where I'm sitting
And asks me if I'll tutor him
Because he's flunking the course

The poor guy was flunking sex

Tell me that's not a red flag

Still, I didn't care
I offered to help


And we would meet in the library
Every Tuesday around one
Right before class
To go over the different parts
Of the male anatomy


I used to try and say all the words
In a sensual tone of voice
To see if I could get him excited


'Tessssssticles.'
'Scrooootum.'
'Vasssss deferensssss.'

Nothing did the trick

Except one time
He did pass out for a few minutes

Charlie ended up getting a 'C' in the course
And he even bought me a little journal
With one of those expensive pens
As a 'thank you' gift
For helping him pass

I would have settled for dinner
And some couch time
But that's the kind of girl I was back then

I can't tell you much about Charlie
But I can tell you one thing

Whatever girl finally got him
To stop blushing
Must have been one hell of a woman

Charlie and the Fireworks

I stood next to Charlie once
During the fireworks
On the 4th of July

It was at the park
And I was there with my wife
And our two kids

Charlie's wife was sitting on a blanket
Eating chicken salad or something
And Charlie was playing around with his daughter

Picking her up
And throwing her over his shoulder
Like a potato sack
Making his wife yell at him
The usual dad stuff

She must have been about six or seven

Then the fireworks started
And Charlie put his little girl
Up on his shoulders
So she could see better

And then--

I don't really know how to describe this for you
Without it sounding all dramatic
But...

It was quiet
Because everybody was listening to the fireworks
And I was kneeling right near Charlie
Pointing out to my kids
What was what

That bunch of fireworks is a rabbit
That bunch is a rose
That bunch is an American flag

Then from a few feet to my right
I heard somebody crying

I turned and it was this little girl
Crying into her hands
While her mother tried to talk to her
But she just wasn't having it

Her mom looked at me
Looking at her
And she said--

'I'm sorry.  Her Dad's in the army, and uh, he's not...um...she just wants to see the fireworks'

Then I could see her getting upset
So I put my hand up
To say 'it's okay, don't worry about it'
Then from next to me
I heard Charlie say--

'I got another shoulder if you want it'

Now Charlie wasn't what you'd call a big guy

Even with his little girl on his shoulders
He seemed to be sagging under the weight

I would have offered to put the other girl on my shoulders
But she was already running over to Charlie
Before her mother could say anything

And he adjusted his daughter
So she was on one shoulder
And he lifted the other girl
Right up onto the other

And I swear to you on my life
It was like he gained a day's strength
With those two girls up there

He held them both up like that
Until the fireworks were over
Just like Atlas or something
Holding up some little girl's world

I understand that everybody here’s got something to say

About Charlie, about life, death, whatever

All I wanna say is—

You can’t add up all the good and bad things

Somebody’s done in their life

And get a number

That tells you what kinda person they were

You could ruin a life

And save a life

And it wouldn’t equal out to nothin’

People aren’t made up of math

We’re all just air and mistakes

And sometimes fireworks

That night I bent down
And just like I showed my daughter
The rabbits and the roses and the flags

Popping out all over the sky

And then I pointed to Charlie
And under my breath
I said, just so she could hear--

'That's a man, right there.  That's a good man.'

Because I wanted to make sure my daughter
Would know one when she sees one

Charlie's Priest

It's always interesting to me
When somebody gives up
On God

God has been a part of my life
For so long
I often forget that to some people
He's optional

When I hear someone say
They don't believe in God
It's like hearing they say
They don't believe in the sky
Or the grass
Or rain

I suppose it's anyone's choice
To believe in those things
But I see God as clearly
As most people
See the clouds

Charlie's wife came to see me
When his best friend...

When there was the incident
With his best friend

When he took his life

I didn't know Charlie's friend
But I knew how broken up
Charlie was about it

His wife seemed to think
He was experiencing some sort
Of spiritual crisis

So I went to see him

He was outside
Washing his car
When I pulled up

I got out
Picked up a sponge
And started to help

I've found it's best
To let people who are in pain
Speak first

Just be there
And let them know you're there
And eventually they'll tell you
What they need from you

Sometimes all they need
Is for you to stand there

Some of the best counsel I've ever given
Was given silently

Just standing there saying--There's someone here

You're not alone

When Charlie spoke he said--

'I won't be coming back to the church, Father'

I asked him why and he said--

'I asked God to save him, and he didn't.'

I explained to Charlie
That God can't save us
We can only save ourselves

He became angry with me
But I expected that

'What happens if we can't save ourselves,' he asked, 'What happens if we're not strong enough?  Then God gives up, and we're screwed?  Is that what that means?'

I said--'Charlie, I went into the priesthood because I had so many questions.  I have more now than I did then.  My life is constructed of questions without answers.  I've tried to let those questions enrich me rather than frustrate me.  What would be the point in waking up every day if not to try and answer the questions?'

Charlie dipped a rag
In a bucket of water
And ran it
Up against the side of his car

'Maybe he got the answers,' he said, shaking his head, 'Maybe he got the answers and he didn't like them.'

'It's possible,' I said, 'Anything--really--is possible.'

Charlie meant what he said

He didn't come back to the church
Until a few years later
When his daughter got sick
And then recovered

I sat in the hospital with him
And when I started to pray
He began to speak the words along with me
And even though it was under terrible circumstances
I was glad

After that I'd see Charlie in the back of the church
Sitting quietly
While his wife and daughter sat up front
Until the divorce
And then I stopped seeing him again

Occasionally he'd get up
And sing with the choir
And when that happened
I was especially pleased

We never had a conversation about his friend again
Or his faith
But I could tell there were still more wandering uncertainty left in him
Still confusion
Still disbelief

I hope that when he passed on
He was given what he needed

Either the answers
Or the ability to make peace
With the questions

Charlie's Driving Lesson

Mr. Stamp taught me how to drive

At first my mom was going to teach me
But we only made it a few blocks
Before I accidentally ran a stoplight
And she made me pull over
So she could vomit

Mr. Stamp was driving by
When he saw my mother
Puking out on the side of the road

He stopped his car
Got out
Patted my mother on the back
Held her hair
And offered to take me driving

We met in a parking lot
Out by the high school
At eight am on a Saturday morning

I guess Mr. Stamp figured
There was only so much damage I could do
In an empty parking lot

The trouble was
I had a strange way of dealing with anxiety
When I was a teenager

I would close my eyes
And start to fall asleep

So as soon as Mr. Stamp asked me to put the car in drive
My eyes started to close
And my head was headed for the steering wheel

When I woke up
The car was on the football field
And Mr. Stamp was the color of Paco the Polar Bear
Our school mascot

'Let's go get ice cream,' he said, 'I'll drive'

We went to this diner in town
And I waited for Mr. Stamp to explain to me
How if I kept practicing
I'd get better at driving
And eventually it would feel naturally to me

Instead he said, 'I suggest you move to a city with mass transit'

That's how I wound up in New York
And I've been pretty happy here

Mr. Stamp was always good
At looking at someone
And knowing what they were capable of

He looked at me and realized
I'd never be a good driver
And rather than try to change that
He just gave me some practical advice


I know it isn't your typical inspirational story
About a teacher changing a student's life
But it's the truth
And telling the truth was what Mr. Stamp
Was all about

Now I'm a sleep therapist
Working in Manhattan
And when I need to get somewhere

I take a taxi

Charlie's Travel Agent

Charlie wanted to go to New York
I said--'Why do you want to go to New York'
He said--'My ex-wife is getting married'
And I'm already thinking
This is going to be one of those cases
Where I'm called in later on
To testify at the murder trial

'Who is she marrying,' I ask
Which was the wrong question

You know what my mother used to say about me?

She said--

'My daughter never met a stupid question she didn't want to ask.'

And she was right
She was a mean old bitch
But she was right

Anyway, I asked it
I said--'Who is she marrying'
And he said--

'My brother'

And that's when I took out the brochures
For the Bahamas

I said, 'Charlie, you are not going to that wedding.  You are going someplace nice.  There is nothing nice about your ex-wife marrying your brother.'

And he said, 'I need to see it.  I need to make peace with it.'

And I said, 'You can make peace with it while you're sipping a margarita on a beach in Aruba.'

And I showed him the brochure
That has the woman on it
Who looks like she'll show you a good time
For a bucket of clam shells
And a pile of sand

'Look at this tramp,' I say, 'Now that's how you should be spending a vacation.'

Then I asked where the wedding was
And he said New York

I told him my cousin had just come back from New York
Where some homeless guy
Peed into her purse
Then charged her for it

But Charlie was determined to go
So I booked the trip for him

It's not my business
To tell people what to do
Just get them good seats on the plane
And a hotel room
That has Diet Coke in the mini-bar

I had those brochures out on my desk all day
And by five o'clock, I thought--

Well, if Charlie's not going to go...

I met a guy on the beach in Aruba
Who had the same color margarita as I did
And let me tell you something
He didn't need to give me a bucket full of clams
Before I was head over heels

He wrote romance novels
And if I can make one suggestion
To you ladies out there, it's this

Marry a man who writes romance novels
And offer to do all their proofreading for them

We got married
And I shut down the travel business
So I could stay home with the hubby

For some reason
After we got married
I didn't feel like leaving home much

As for Charlie
I hope his trip went okay
And that he made peace
With his wife and his brother

I guess you got more of my story than his
But hey, it's a pretty good story, isn't it?

Charlie's Make-Up

I worked in the mall
And that's where I met Charlie

In the mall

Well, in the Nordstrom's

I worked at the make-up counter

Back then there was this make-up line
Called 'Fox Tail'
And it was--

Well, the idea was
That it was make-up for men

'Fox Tail--Make-Up for Men'

And, as you can imagine
It didn't last very long

The idea wasn't to paint men up to look like dolls or anything
Just to sort of--highlight their best features

Very natural looking kind of stuff

Mostly just base and some eye-liner

But see, my job
Was to do make-overs
Right there at the counter

And, as you can imagine
Not many men are all that willing
To sit in the middle of a department store
And have some woman put make-up on them

Even in Los Angeles

The problem was my boss
Expected me to do so many make-overs a day
And obviously I couldn't say that men don't want to wear make-up
Because the motto of 'Fox Tail--Make-Up for Men'
Is--

'For Men Who Want to Wear Make-Up'

One day I was really losing it
Because my manager kept eyeballing me
Since I hadn't done a make-over
In two days
And so I pretended to drop something
So I could duck down below the counter
And cry for a minute
While biting into my hand
When I heard someone say--

'Are you all right?'

And it was Charlie

He was cute

I don't know if anyone's told you that
But he was
He was really cute
And just really kind, you know?
He had really kind eyes

I told him about the make-up
And the make-overs
And how I was probably going to lose my job
And then I realized
I was pretty much spilling my guts
To a total stranger
But, I don't know
Charlie was just someone you could do that to, you know?

He let me do his eyes
So my manager would see
And then he said he'd be back tomorrow
And he was

I don't know if he worked
While he was in L.A.
But he came back a bunch of times
And every time
He'd let me do make-overs on him
Little ones, you know
But enough to keep me afloat

One time he even had his friend
Who worked at this magazine store
Come in
And Charlie said--

'Do his lips
He has frog lips'

And the guy punched Charlie in the arm
But like, in a friendly way
And we all laughed
And then I did the guy's lips
Because they really were pretty terrible

One day Charlie came in
And told me that he was leaving L.A.
And I was pretty upset about it
But L.A.'s just kind of one of those places, you know
Where, like, nobody hangs around for very long
Unless they hang around forever
And that's not really a good thing either

He told me that he came into some money
And so now he could go back home
With more confidence
But he didn't tell me where the money came from

I asked him if he wanted a make-over for the road
And that's when he put down the money

A stack of one hundred dollar bills

I thought I was going to pass out

'Charlie,' I said--

But then he held up his hand
Leaned over the counter
And said--

'You can either take this five grand and get out of this department store, or you can give me five thousand dollars worth of make-up.  It's up to you.'

I think five thousand dollars
Could have bought
The entire 'Fox Tail' line
But I didn't say that

Instead, I took the stack of bills
Walked around the counter
Gave Charlie a big kiss on the lips
And walked right out of the department store

And I never went back

A week later
The 'Fox Tail' line went under
Which is probably why
Nobody from the store
Ever called to see
Why I wasn't coming into work anymore

I used the five thousand
To start my own cosmetics line
And it's become pretty successful

Every once in awhile
I show up at some department store
And offer to do free make-overs

Everybody at the company
Thinks it's just a pr thing
But it's really just so I remember
Where I came from

I never did see Charlie again
But I'm reminded of him a lot

I named the company 'Charlie's'

If that sounds like a happy ending, well
That's because it is

Charlie and the King of Emerald Park

Charlie would come see me
Every Thursday
Two pm

It was a regular occurence

Sometimes we'd talk Shakespeare
Because he was auditioning for 'The Tempest' in school
And he wanted Caliban

I said--Why do you want Caliban?
He's ugly
And he doesn't say much

And Charlie said--

I like his speech about dreams

I reminded him that it's not a speech
It's a soliloquy
And then I poured us both a beer

I believe I may have been the first person
To give that kid a drink
And considering what he became
Later in life
I guess I should feel bad about that

Sometimes alcoholics can be like vampires
We like creating more of our own
So we won't be so damn lonely

The first day I met Charlie
He was rolling some busted tires
Out from under my trailer
So I went and got my shotgun

It doesn't fire anything
Except a little flag that says--Kapow!
But most people don't wait around long enough
To figure that out

Charlie was the first person
To see the shotgun
And ask what the flag on the inside said

That's how I knew we were going to be pals

Emerald Park is similar to Greenland
In that the name is nice
But the place itself
Is shittier than a pigpen on Cinco de Mayo

I started living there after my wife threw me out
For refusing to talk to her anymore

I thought that was kinda unfair

I was perfectly content to live with the woman
So long as we didn't have to hear
What was on each other's minds

She wasn't keen on the idea
So I bought a trailer in Emerald Park
And got ready to live out the rest of my days
Drunk, stoned, and satisfied

Then Charlie came around
Stealing tires

He said he needed them for an art project

--This is during his art phase--

And I asked what sort of project was he making
With busted tires?

Was he attempting a pop culture commentary circa Andy Warhol
Or was he going to carve Jesus into the tire
And say something about religion
Being a bunch of hot air
That supports a gas-guzzling society?

He looked at me funny and said--Uh, I kinda just wanted to do something about tire swings

That's when I took him under my wing

I got him through the art phase okay
And then the debate club phase
And then the drama club phase
And that's when we did most of our talking
About Shakespeare

Charlie always liked Henry IV
But only Part One

When I'd ask him why he'd say--

'I don't like when he's mean to Falstaff.'

I'd explain to him that Falstaff was a symbol
Of foolish youth and reckless behavior
But Charlie would just say--

'I don't care.  I like Falstaff.  He was there from the beginning.  You don't do that to a friend who's there from the beginning.'

If there was one thing Charlie couldn't tolerate
It was somebody without a sense of loyalty

When Charlie left home for L.A.
I remember sending him off
With a notebook and some nice pens
I ordered off the television

I told him that there was a writer in there somewhere
And he needed to let him out
But I don't think he believed me

When he came back home
I could tell something about him had changed

Living in California does that to people

Too much sun
Is like too much salt
Makes you gobble up bullshit like it's baby food
'Cause you can't taste what it really is

Charlie showed up at my trailer
And I had two beers open
Before he stepped out of the car
But when he did all he said--

'Still at it, huh?'

--And I could tell by the tone in his voice
That there wasn't any admiration left in there

He had sunglasses on
And nice shoes
And his car was grey

A grey car, can you imagine?

Who in fucks' sake would want to drive a grey car?

He wouldn't even take the sunglasses off
While he was looking at me

Just shook his head
And crosses his arms

I just looked at him and said--

'I know thee not, old man'

And he got right back in his car
And took off

Believe it or not, I lived to a halfway-decent age
And by the time I was sixty
They were calling me 'The King of Emerald Park'

Still, I'd been dead for awhile
When I heard about Charlie dying, and...

It's hard to know who to mourn for, you know?

A person ends up being so many different people
By the time they die
That it's unfair to expect you're going to like all of them

I wasn't upset
The day Charlie drove away from me
And my trailer

I wasn't going to miss that guy

But did I miss the kid who stole my tires?

Every day

Every goddamned day

Charlie's Son

If you asked my mother
She'd tell you
That she terminated me

That she terminated
The pregnancy

Me

But...

That's not entirely true

Actually, it's not at all true
I'm just uncomfortable
Calling my biological mother
A total liar

But I guess she is
In that sense

She was a cheerleader
At Charlie's school

That's all I know about her
That she was a...cheerleader

And I guess
She became an interior designer or something
Which is fine
I mean, that's...

I kind of hoped
That my biological parents
Would be famous

I know, it's a sort of 'Orphan Annie' way of thinking, but...

I've always really liked performing
And my adopted parents were shy
So, I just thought...

Charlie didn't know about me
He didn't even know about the pregnancy

I only know what happened
Because I found my aunt
My biological aunt
And she gave me this box off stuff
My mother kept
While she was alive

She died when she was fifty
Of an undiagnosed heart condition

One of those fluke things, you know?

I got checked out for it

Once I found out

About the condition, you know?

But I don't have it

So maybe Charlie did?

Anyway, in the box was this diary
And that's how I found out about him
About Charlie

There was a story in there
About how he stood up for this waitress once
And how he was kind of cute
In a reserved sort of way
And that was all I got

I know you only wanted people to come here
And talk about him
If we actually knew him
But I didn't

But I'm his son

Isn't that weird?

Because I should be closer to him than anybody
Because I should have all sorts of stories about him
But...

I do have some ideas
Or, ideas about him, I mean
Based on, just, stuff

Inconsistencies
Like the whole performing thing
Even though my mom says that he kept to himself
Except for a stint in drama club
Which I guess didn't go too well

I wonder, like...

Like I like to write

Did he like to write?

Was he musical at all?

I play the cello

Was he terrible at math like I am?
Was he bad at making conversation like I am?
Was he scared of being irrelevant like I am?

Does any of that sound familiar?

I don't know if he was a good guy
Or a bad guy
But either way
I would have liked
To have known him

Maybe go fishing or something
I don't know

I had a good dad
The guy who adopted me
My father, he was--

He was a good guy

But it's natural to wonder
Why you are
The way you are

I'm sorry that I don't have a story about Charlie
Except for the ones I made up in my head

I'm sorry I can't offer you anything about him
Except that I'm his son

Mostly I just came to listen

To see if I could learn anything about him

About me

Mostly, I just wanted to hear about
What I missed

Tony Hooper's Little Brother

Hi, my name is Harry Hooper
And I'm in the second grade

This is my story
Unabridged and uncensored

I had fallen madly in love
With a young girl
Named Felicia Fliksado

I loved her hair
I loved her speech impediment
I loved the alliteration in her name

She was everything I wanted
In a woman

And then she told me
That she was in love
With my brother Tony

Apparently she had a thing for older men
And he, a seasoned fourth grader
Had stolen her heart

I confronted him
Determined to fight for my love
But all he would say is--

TONY:  C'mon, Harry!  I don't want a date a stupid girl!  Besides, Felicia Fliksado flicks her boogers at people at recess.  I'd rather date a muppet!

Methinks he doth protest too much

I did everything I could
To try and change her mind

I explained to her
That my brother can be pretentious

TONY:  First of all, I don't know what that means, but I'm pretty sure only a person who isn't smart would use that word!  That's my first of all.

He can be bossy

TONY:  Geez, you fire your grandpa from working at your lemonade stand and suddenly you're bossy!

And he's hardly the snazziest dresser

TONY:  I guess someone's never heard the phrase 'hand-me-down' before.  That's when a big brother hands down all his ugly clothes to his little brother and by then they're real smelly because the big brother's been wearing them and then hiding them in the back of his closet so his little brother will smell and no stupid booger-flicker will ever love him anyway.

But nothing seem to work on her

She ended up dating Robert Powers
The class paste-eater

His breath may smell like arts and crafts
But his heart is a full one

I was devastated

For an entire weekend, I stayed in my room
And waited for old age to overtake me
So that I could finally get my own apartment
And homeschool myself

Then Tony knocked on the door--

TONY:  Knock, knock.  Hey Harry, I know I'm not always the easiest guy to get along with, but...uh...well...I guess Mom's going to have another baby.  I heard her and Dad talking about it when I dropped a nickel underneath their bedroom door and then my ear got caught against the door for a few minutes while they were talking about it.  Anyway, the baby's probably going to have to have its own room for a little while, so...uh...I was thinking...maybe we could get those bunk beds we wanted and uh...you could move in with me?  I promise I don't snore...until I'm asleep.

That was when I realized
That my brother should probably come before any girl
Because family's important

Especially when a new enemy
Is being brought into the household
To challenge the dominance
Of those already in power

I told my brother Tony
I'd start moving my stuff in
As soon as the baby came
And a truce was put in place

TONY:  I don't know what 'truce' means, but it sounds like something you can put on cake, so it must be good.

He may not be the flashiest name on the marquee
But he's my brother, and I love him

TONY:  Hey Harry, when you move into my room, don't ask about dollhouse.  It was just a phase I was going through.

Besides, what would he do without me?

Charlie's Aunt

I taught the boy to box

Because boys need to know

How to defend themselves

And Charlie was a bit

On the small side

So I thought he should know

How to throw a punch

He was staying with me and my husband

On the farm one summer

When he was a kid

And while my husband was busy

Teaching him how to swim

I taught him how to box

I guess I could have asked my husband to teach him

But between you and me

I handled most of my husband's fights in school

Without him knowing about it

Some bully or something

Would pick on him

And he'd say he was going to beat 'em up

But I could tell he wasn't going to do any damage

With those little baby fists of his

So I told him to give it a day

And see if he didn't get an apology

From whatever jerk was bothering him

Then I'd go to the jerk's house after school

And wallop them something fierce

And convince them that they needed to say they were sorry

And my husband just went along thinking

The world was a lovely place

I had a fun time

Teaching Charlie

How to box that summer

The gloves were bigger than his head

And most of the time

He'd swing

And end up punching himself

But he kept going

And I admired that

His brother didn't have to try

At much of anything

His brother just had things sort of come to him

He was that sort of boy

It's hard being a brother to somebody

Like that

My sister was like that

And that's why I had to learn to fight

Because I knew right off the bat

That things weren't going to be easy for me

Now when Charlie's brother

Got together with Charlie's wife

Nobody in the family knew what to do

Because you're talking family versus family

But what it really was

Was everybody wanting to side with Charlie's brother

Because he was the golden boy

And why shouldn't he have everything he wants?

I was the only one

To drive up there

Against my husband's wishes

Show up at Charlie's brother's front door

And lay him out in his front hallway

Like a cheap rug

Then I looked down at him and said--

'I have never laid a hand on you or any other child in my family in my lifetime, but what you did was unforgivable, and poor Charlie's too damn upset to do anything about it, but I'm sure not.  And if I see that floozy of his anytime soon she's going to get a lot worse than what I just gave you, so I'd warn her if I were you.'

Then I left

And went home

And, not surprisingly

I did not receive a wedding invitation

When Charlie's brother married that woman

And that was just fine with me

Now when his second wife left him

That was a little bit trickier

Because I understood her reasoning

Charlie was drinking too much

And she had her daughter to think about

And I could accept that

But once Charlie dried out

That sister of hers was still butting her nose in

Where it didn't belong

Trying to keep Charlie away from his daughter

And that's when I hopped in my car

For another road trip

When I showed up at Charlie's sister-in-law's house

I knew I wasn't dealing with anything short

Of a bitch with a bowl cut

And that was fine by me

Because I do enjoy a challenge

Every now and again

I knocked on her front door

And when she answered

I asked if she remembered me

From the wedding

And when she said she did

I said, Well good, then we don't need anymore introductions

And I told her that what was going on between Charlie

And his wife and his daughter

Were none of her damn business

And I can see protecting family

And that means I have to protect mine too

And Charlie was sobered up at that time

So there was no reason why he couldn't see his daughter

Who was only a hop, skip, and a jump away

From graduating high school

She politely informed me

That her sister and her niece

Were staying at her house

And Charlie was not welcome there

And it was all for the better

If he didn't see that child ever again

Because a drunk doesn't change anything

But the liquor in his dirty glass

I then asked her if either Charlie's wife

Or daughter were home

And she said No and that they had all gone to the movies

And I said lovely, and decked that bitch

Right where she stood

Now I wouldn't have done that

If there were other people home

Because that sort of thing can be traumatizing

But this was between me and that woman

And I knew she could take a hit

I was well in my early eighties at the time

But I could still throw a punch

With the best of them

I didn't wait for her to get up

Before I got back in the taxi

And told the driver to take off

And that if he ever told anybody what he saw

I'd find him

And I think he believed me

Instead of going right home

I stopped at Charlie's house

And had a heart-to-heart with him

He wasn't drinking anymore

But he still wasn't any sort of person

Losing his wife and his kid

Had really done a number on him

And he couldn't accept

That they weren't going to come back

Just because he quit drinking

It was just too late

Even though he didn't want to believe that

'Look, Charlie,' I said, 'I was the one who taught you to throw a punch, but it wasn't about punching, it was about putting up a fight for yourself.  Now you fought back after your first divorce, and you fought back after that best friend of yours passed away, and you fought back hard enough to overcome the drinking and I'm proud of you for that, but you got to keep fighting.  Maybe you're one of those people who have to fight their whole lives--it is entirely possible.  And if you are, there's no use bellyaching about it, you just gotta do it.  First and foremost, you better fight for that daughter of yours, because she needs a father in her life, and you got a lot of catching up to do.  Fight for her, Charlie.  There's no reason you can't.  You had a damn good teacher.'

Then I kissed him on the cheek

And went home

I died a few months after that

And Charlie said some lovely words

At my funeral

And his daughter Callie was there with him

And that made me glad

I know you're going to hear some bad things about him

And make all sorts of judgments

But let me just tell you this

That boy had it hard the minute he was brought into being

And if you don't believe me

Then clearly

You have not met his mother yet

Either way, don't be like that sister-in-law of his I clocked out

As somebody dead and rested

I can tell you

That the only currency you have once you get up here

Is the compassion you showed on Earth

No, he wasn't a saint

But he was my nephew

He was my family

He was the son I never had

And I never needed him

To be much more than that

Charlie's Piano Teacher

I was with another student
When I got the call
About Charlie

About what he had written

About us and our...

He had been my student
Since he was a little boy

A little boy

And I noticed
When he turned fourteen or so
That he had developed something of a crush

Or perhaps he'd always had one
It's hard to say

Little boys develop crushes
On their teachers
It's not unusual

But I assumed that he'd grown out of it
By the time he was...

He wrote, in some sort of story for class or something
That we were having a relationship
An inappropriate...

I suppose he wrote it because he was upset
That I wasn't showing any sort of affection for him in that way
Or perhaps he just wanted to write it out
To make it more real for him

Or--

Oh God, who knows?

Who knows why boys that age
Do what they do?

It wouldn't have mattered to me
Except that he handed it in to a teacher
And then...

Well, I was mortified

I was absolutely mortified

My husband had to come home from work
And--

I had to go stay in a hotel
Because by that evening
Charlie's mother had called
With...

Saying terrible things

Not even questioning her son
Not even questioning whether or not
He might be lying about the whole thing

I mean, he wrote it in a story
I mean, my God

It was...

I had known him since he was a child
I would never--with any of my students

It would never even cross my--

I'm sorry

It's still very emotional
To talk about

Even though
I've been dead for quite some time

After what happened with Charlie
I begged my husband
I begged him to move us
Somewhere else
Because I couldn't...

There was an investigation
And it was determined
That there wasn't any sign of wrongdoing
But of course
Nobody believed that

Luckily, it never reached the paper
But it was still a small town
People still talk
And when I would go to the grocery store
If someone was looking at me
I could never figure out why
And it drove me...

I spent time in a hospital
A, uh, not a normal hospital
But a...

And after I got out
My husband agreed
That we should move

So we did

But I couldn't play the piano ever again after that
Let alone teach lessons
It was too...

I once played for the President
When I was a little girl

It was at a ceremony
In Washington
My school choir was chosen
To go and sing for the President
And there was time in the program
So they let me play two songs on my piano

I had the picture of that
Next to my bed
The day I died

Such a proud moment
Ruined

Ruined forever

My husband and I eventually divorced

He had wanted children
And I...

Knowing what children could do

We had trouble conceiving
But we were going to think about adoption and then--

I just couldn't

I couldn't knowing the awful things a child could do
And that there aren't repercussions for it

That you have to forgive them instantly
Because they're children
Because they allegedly don't know any better

I couldn't accept those things
So...he left me

Years later, I saw him

Charlie

In New York
Riding the subway

He was wearing a tuxedo and I...

I was there to visit my sister

I walked up to him
Walked right up to him
And said--

'Hello Charlie, do you remember me?'

I was so mad
So angry
Even after all those years

Angry that he looked healthy and happy
In his tuxedo
As if his lie hadn't touched him at all

But I suppose lies don't touch the liars, do they?

What I didn't expect was that look on his face
That look as if...

As if he were the one who should be mad
As I was...

He asked how I could talk to him
How I could even speak to him
After what I'd done

He called me a monster
Said I'd...that I'd done things
That I'd hurt an innocent boy

How could I do those things, he asked

How?

That was when I realized that he believed it
He really believed what he had written
All those years ago

And now I wonder

Did he believe it then
Or only after living with it for years?

Does the frog in the boiling water
Not notice the temperature change
Because he's swimming in it?

Is that what happens?

Charlie got off the train
And I never saw him again

But I'm sure you've heard about what he said I did

And now that I'm dead

What's the truth?

Or is there any truth at all?

We live
We get old
And we did

And we trust that people will accurately portray us
And tell our stories
But that doesn't happen, does it?

Instead we have to hope
That the people who outlast us
Feel the urge
To speak the truth
About who we were

Charlie outlasted me
So I'm a pedophile

I'm a child molester

I'm a piano teacher

And if it weren't for the fact
That I can come here today
And tell you he's a liar
Then you would believe him

Right away, wouldn't you?

You'd believe him

Maybe some of you still believe him

Well, that's all right

The truth isn't something I can be concerned with
Anymore

Charlie's Sister-in-Law

Now the first thing I want to tell you
Is that I liked Charlie

I mean, I didn't like him
When he was drinking
I don't see who would
But otherwise, I liked him just fine

I'm the sister of his second wife
In case you weren't sure

I don't want to confuse you
Even though I'm not sure his first wife
Had any sisters or brothers
We never talked about her much
Because she...

I'm not one to gossip, but--

She married Charlie's brother

Which was, understandably
A sore point for him
Although funnily enough
It wasn't the reason
He started drinking

He started drinking
I believe
Because of that friend of his
Killing himself

Which was a terrible thing
And we all felt just awful about it
But you got to carry on with your life, don't you?

Can't mourn forever
Especially somebody who isn't blood
When you have blood to take care of

He had my sister to worry about
And then they had that little girl
And named her after that man
His name was Cal
So they named her Callie
And well, I found the entire thing
To be a bit morbid

To saddle an innocent child
With the name of someone
Who committed the worst sin there is

But God forbid I say that to Charlie

When his friend died
He stopped going to church with the family
Even though my sister still went
And Callie did as well

Charlie simply would not go

Then when Callie got sick
That time she was in the hospital
With that virus or whatever it was
I asked Charlie to pray with me
And before he could give me that nonsense
About there not being a God

I said--Charlie, your daughter is sick, your wife is hysterical, and I can feel my hair starting to fall out!

(Which happens when I'm nervous)

I said--I don't care what you pray to, but dammit, you're going to pray if I have to tie your hands together with dental floss!  You will PRAY!

And he did
And she got better
And that's all I'm going to say about that

After that was when we noticed the drinking really began
Which didn't make any sense at all

You experience a miracle
And you repay God
By becoming even more of a lousy drunk
Then you were before?

Doesn't make sense to me
Not a bit, not a bit

I won't say I wasn't slightly relieved
When my sister called me one night
After years and years of Charlie making her cry
And humiliating her at family functions
And missing all sorts of things for Callie
School plays and things like that
And finally she says--

That's it, I've had it

So I go pick her up
While Charlie's at that hotel bar
He liked to go to

And I know about that bar
Because my husband had to pick him up from it a few times
When he got too drunk to drive home
Which was mortifying for everybody

Of course I was glad he didn't hop in his car
And kill a van full of people
But it was embarrassing nonetheless

Anyway, I went to my sister's house
Helped her pack
Waited while she wrote a note to Charlie
Discussed for a bit what would happen with Callie
Who was in Europe on a school trip
And then we left

Before we did
I had my sister go out to the car
And as soon as she was out the door
I wrote my own little note to Charlie
Telling him that I liked him very much
And would pray for him
But if he tried coming to my house
Looking for my sister
Then I had a shotgun
And a lawyer for a husband
And could he put two-and-two together

And he must have
Or he just must not have cared
Because he never did come looking for her
And when she sent the divorce papers to the house
For him to sign
He signed
And that was that

Now I realize to some of you
I might be the villain of this evening
Since it is called 'Charlie's Funeral'
And not 'Funeral of Someone Who Wasn't a Drunk and Terrorized an Innocent Woman and Her Family For Years and Years'

And here I am
Saying mean things about a dead man
Which, by the way, is not something I make it a point to do

But if you expect me to sit here
And listen to 'Poor Charlie' stories
Then I am going to open my mouth
And set you right
Because a few good deeds here and there
Does not make somebody a saint

I know how art and the arts can manipulate people
And that's what's happening here

You're all being manipulated
Because art makes you identify and sympathize
With whomever the camera lens
Happens to be focused on

Which is why I don't make it a point to read
Or see theater or go to galleries
Because I have no interest
In identifying with drunks and pimps and child molesters
And because I have better things
To do with my time

But if you want to know about Charlie
Know this--I liked him just fine
Until he started drinking
And gave up on God and his family
And if feeling that way
Makes me a villain
Then maybe I am
But that's only because it's Charlie we're here to talk about

But how many of you are going to be there when I die?
Or my sister?
Or Callie?

Will Charlie be the villain then?

Huh?

Huh?

That's what I thought

I apologize if I've spoiled the evening
But as the good book says--

The truth--and only the truth--shall set you free

Charlie's Dance Instructor

Charlie and his second wife
Came to me to learn how to dance
Rather than go to marriage counseling

I see it all the time

Couples who don't want to air their dirty laundry to a stranger
So instead they learn to cha cha

It costs less
But usually
There are significantly higher odds
That there will be bloodshed

Charlie and his second wife
Weren't actually all that bad at dancing
It was marriage they were bad at

By the time they got to me
Their daughter was a teenager
Ready to leave home
And they were so sick of each other
I had to remind them to hold hands
While they danced

When they finally did make it onto the floor
There was this passion
That some would mistake for sexual repression or lust
But what I saw
Was two people
Who were angry at themselves
For wasting so much of their lives
With each other

There's a certain beauty to dance
That Charlie and his second wife
Couldn't master

But anger has its own sort of beauty too
It's just that you can only watch so much of it
Before your eyes turn away

After a few weeks
Charlie and his wife stopped coming
And I assumed...

Well, I knew it was probably over

The last class they took together
Ended when Charlie couldn't get the footwork right during the tango
Because he was...

Well, I believe he had a drinking problem

I say a problem not to say he was an alcoholic
Because I'm sure to many people
He seemed fine
Maybe a little tipsy at times
But overall, fine

But my father drank
And I know a drinker
When I see one

Problem drinkers are, sometimes
Worse than alcoholics

You can forgive an alcoholic
Because they can't stop themselves
But a problem drinker can still stop if they want to
They just don't want to
And so what you're really dealing with
Is selfishness

I shouldn't say that a dead man is selfish
But he was

Charlie was very selfish

That woman gave and gave and gave

On the dance floor, at least
She gave

And she seemed very nice
Very polite
But also very fragile

One time she stepped on Charlie's toe
Because he was in the wrong place
And he screamed at her in front of everyone
Then stormed out
To leave her there crying

It may be wrong to admit this
But there were times when I hoped
She would leave him

I'm allowed to think that way
That's the difference between me
And a marriage counselor

One night
After they'd been gone for awhile
I was closing up the studio
When I saw Charlie
Sitting on the sidewalk outside

I touched him on the shoulder
And he didn't even flinch
Even though I think
He'd been out there for awhile

He was drunk
This time, really drunk
Noticeably
Not tipsy
Drunk

I should have been concerned, I suppose
But I just wasn't

He looked like a deflated balloon

I asked him if he was all right
And he said--

'She did it.'

And I knew what he meant

'She finally did it,' he said, and then--and this I wasn't expecting--

'Thank God'

That's when I sort of felt for him
Because...

When they'd dance
He'd pull away from her
He'd--

He'd pull away
And when she'd try
To get closer to him
He'd push

Sometimes people try to get away
And you don't let them
And so they push you
And it's not right
But it's how they are, you know?

Well, anyway
I brought him into the studio
And I made some coffee in the office
And we talked for a bit

It was your typical story
Left a note, bags packed
How was he going to tell their daughter
Who was on a school trip to Sicily

I didn't say anything
I just held my coffee mug in my hands
And thought about my own daughter at home
Probably around the same age
And how when her dad pushed I just pushed back harder
Until one day there wasn't anybody there to push

While I was thinking about that
Charlie was looking at me
And when I finally noticed he said--

'How'd you like to dance?'

He wasn't hitting on me
Don't think that

It was sort of a...

Well, it sounded like a last request

Which is probably why I did it

I've never been one
To deny a man
His last request

So I took him out on the floor
And we danced a little bit

Charlie was a good dancer

So in spite of the fact
That he was selfish and a drunk
And that he was terrible to his wife
I sort of loved him a little bit

And if you want to know a dancer's biggest downfall
It's that when someone can dance
We overlook everything else

As soon as we're in that moment
And hands are where they're supposed to be
Strength applied in the right places
Support where it needs to be
Soft hands and strong intentions

It allows you to make so many mistakes

So many things
You regret
And later on you say--

How did this happen?

How did I fall in love with another broken man?

And then another part of you answers--

Well...I was dancing

I was dancing with Charlie

Charlie's Haircut

Charlie wanted to shave his head

I advised against it

I am, after all
A hair stylist

I am an advocate for hair

I will never understand
Why people turn up at a hair salon
Looking to get their head shaved

You don't need a stylist for that
You just need a buzzer
And a few shots of whiskey

But Charlie sat right down in my chair
And asked to have it all taken off

I said--'Death, disease, or divorce?'

Because it's always
One of the three

And he says divorce
So I get to work

I asked him why he didn't go to a barber
And he said he's not comfortable
Having men touch his hair in such a way

I understand that

There are some things
Straight men have no business doing--

Decorating a room
Planning a vacation
Or messing with anybody's hair

I tried to take my time with Charlie's hair
Since he was going to be paying me and all
I had to make it seem like I was actually doing something

He told me this was his second divorce
And I said--Well, that makes sense

One divorce will make you crazy
But a second divorce will you realize
You were crazy for getting married in the first place
And that can be sort of liberating

I asked him why the first marriage didn't work
And he said it was because his wife fell in love with his brother

Then I asked why the second marriage didn't work
And he said it was because his wife fell in love with her personal trainer

I told him that was nothing to be ashamed about
Lots of women give in to lust
When personal trainers are involved

I asked him if he'd like some free hairspray or something

He said--No thank you, just the clean head.

A clean head--doesn't that sound nice?

Wouldn't it be even better if it was true?

If you could just shave off everything on top
And have the rest of you go with it

Grow back a brand new person

I think that'd be nice
And it would certainly improve business

When the haircut was done
Charlie gave me a tip
That was twice as much as I charged for the cut
And I thought that was very sweet

I told him he was going to make some woman
A real happy third wife someday
And he said he didn't think he was going to get married again

But I just said to him--Charlie, people are living three lifetimes longer than they used to.  It only makes sense that we have at least one love for each life.

Then he laughed
And gave me a kiss on the cheek
And I guess I should have scolded him or something but...

Well, to be honest
I kind of liked it

And let me tell you something
I may be an advocate for hair
But that man looked damn good
With that clean-shaven head

Not many men
Can pull off
A look like that

But Charlie could

Oh believe me, he could

Charlie's Poet

Charlie used to come by
The magazine store
Where I worked
And talk poetry with me

He came into the store one day
Looking for a book
And I told him
All we had were magazines

I guess they didn't have magazine stores
Where he was from
But magazine stores were really big
In Los Angeles at the time

You couldn't find a book anywhere
But magazines were huge

Charlie had a job at this music school
Giving piano lessons
And he'd fix computers on the side
To make some extra cash
But even doing all that
He was just getting by

As far as I know his only indulgences
Were magazines

He used to get a few writing magazines
And Consumer Reports
And GQ depending on who was on the cover that month

'I really want to be a GQ guy,' he'd say
And I'd say 'GQ guys don't exist.  They're unicorns.  They might as well call it Unicorn Monthly.'

Charlie was the only one
I'd let read my poetry

Not because I didn't think it was good
But because Charlie was kind of the only person I'd talk to
Or see, really, ever

Every day I'd go to the magazine store
Open up, sit there, do some writing
Sell a couple copies of The New Yorker
Then close up

I never even saw the owner
After he hired me

One day I showed up at the store
And it was closed up
And my key didn't work
So I assumed he had died

That was L.A. for you

Anyway, that's an ending
I'm supposed to be in the beginning, right?

The only other regular person in my life besides Charlie
Was the girl at the newsstand
Down the street from the store
And I couldn't really classify her as a 'regular person'
Because I avoided going near her
At all costs

But all my poetry tended to be about her

Charlie wouldn't write poetry
So much as stories
Where stuff didn't happen

You know, the moody dark stuff
Where, like, a husband and wife
Are driving to visit a dying relative
And they realize their marriage is over

The kind people give awards to
But don't really read

I used to tell him I liked it
But none of it was really my kind of stuff

Whenever I would try to give him a critique of it
I would just say--

'You know, I think you should explore that more.'

or'

'That scene where she's making breakfast and remembering when she last felt like a woman could really be explored more'

or

'When he breaks down looking at the coffee table realizing he's never really been loved--it would be great if you could explore that some more.'

As long as you use the word 'explore'
It sounds like you're really giving them
Food for thought

Not that I was much better
At writing poetry

My phrasing was awkward
My line breaks didn't make sense
And I never met a two hundred dollar word I didn't like

One of my poems was actually called--'Coruscation'

Charlie asked me if it was about shellfish

I had this dream of giving all my poems
To the girl at the newsstand
In this neat little bundle

I saw myself placing it gently in front of her
Like a newborn baby
And then walking away
Confident that she would read and memorize every word
Only to show up at the magazine store the next day
And confess that the feeling was mutual

But whenever I'd start to put all the poems together
They seemed so trivial
So less-than-what-she-was
What she deserved

Finally one day I decided to give up
I put all my poems in a box
And I handed them to Charlie
And told him to burn them

I didn't have the strength to do it myself
And part of me was hoping he'd tell me that he couldn't do it
That he couldn't bear to see such brilliance
Extinguished like that

Instead, he said--'Okay' and walked off with the box

I wept for three solid days
Using copies of Cat Fancy
As tissues

Then on the third day
The door to the store opened
And the girl from the newsstand walked in

We made some polite conversation
As my heart was riverdancing through my sternum
And then she said--

'Your friend gave me all those things you wrote.'

I simultaneously wanted to kill and kiss Charlie
Depending on her next few words...

'You're a wonderful writer.'

KISS!  KISS!  I WANTED TO KISS HIM!

Unfortunately, the next day the store was locked up
And I realized I had no idea where the music school was
That Charlie taught at
And I had no way of getting in touch with him
To thank him for what he did

Newsstand girl and I dated for six years
And then got married

In the meantime, I published a book of poetry
And dedicated it to Charlie

It was called 'Shellfish'

And the O.Henry twist?

It wasn't until our tenth anniversary
That my wife admitted the truth

It had taken her some time to put the pieces together
But once she did, she wasn't sure whether or not
To let me know about it
But she never did like keeping secrets

'Charlie didn't bring me your poems,' she said, 'He brought me his stories and said you wrote them.'

It was Charlie's stories
That won over the girl at the newsstand

And even though you'd think I'd find that hurtful
I don't

I actually think it was a wonderful sacrifice on Charlie's part

All the stories were hand-written
So I doubt he had copies
And I could tell
That he never thought much of his writing

I thought I was giving up the day I gave him the box
But actually, he was the one surrendering his work
For the love of a girl
Just not his own love

I've toyed with the idea of sending Charlie's stories
To some publishers

Now that I'm older, I've become slightly better at writing poetry
But much, much better at reading
And now I can see that Charlie
Was an incredible writer

Turns out my wife had better taste than I did
And she loves reminding me of that
Whenever she can

Because she waited to tell me about Charlie's switch
I kept writing
And now I have the girl of my dreams
And the career I always wanted

I just wish I still had Charlie around
To enjoy it all with me

But I'm grateful
I'm very grateful

So much so that I almost feel bad admitting...

...I wonder what he did with all my poems?

Charlie's Fight

I punched Charlie in the face once

We were in the cafeteria
And he was sitting behind me
And I say to my friend
I say--

Sometimes I wanna punch that kid Charlie
In the face

And my friend was like--Do it!

So I look around
And there are only about five people in the caf
Because it's last period
And most people just leave
When they have it free
But I had soccer practice
And Charlie had, like, gay practice or something

The thing about Charlie was that he always had this look on his face
Like he knew something you didn't

It was like--What do you think you know?  You don't know shit!

You know?

So I turned around
And said--

Hey Charlie!

And when he turned around
I clocked him

Not really hard
But just enough to--you know?

And before I could even laugh about it
Or enjoy myself
I feel him grab my shoulder
Spin me around
And start wailing on me

I couldn't believe it
Who knew the little prick had it in him?

Next thing I know
Some teacher is pulling Charlie off me
And we're both being sent to the principal's office
Even though I should probably be sent to I.C.U.
Because I feel like Charlie
Busted my spleen

Somebody gave me an ice pack
So I wouldn't swell up like the Elephant Boy

Charlie didn't even have a bruise
Fuckin' figures, right?

I don't want to talk to him
But I can't help it
I say--

'Where'd you learn to fight like that?'

He kinda shrugs and says--

'My aunt.'

I say--'Your aunt?'
Thinking he's busting my balls
And he says--

'Yeah.  I spent a summer at her and my uncle's farm and she taught me how to box.'

Leave it to me to pick a fight
With a fuckin' gayass boxer

So we're sitting there
Outside the principal's office
Because he's at some meeting
About how to stop kids
From giving head in the art supplies closet

Meanwhile I'm looking at Charlie
Thinking--

You know, I feel kinda bad about punching him

When I was a kid
I used to get the urge
To just do that
To just haul off
And clock somebody

When I got older therapists
And anger management counselors
Tried telling me
It was because my mom used to hit me
But I think some people are just born angry

I always felt like
The anger was just inside of me
And the only way to get it out
Was to hit people

After awhile I realized
I probably wasn't letting it out
I was probably just feeding it

But the worst part was always after
When I'd start to feel bad

I couldn't even remember what I was mad about
So it always felt like I was feeling bad about something
Somebody else did

I said--'Hey Charlie, you want to get out of here?  Nobody left a note or anything.  They figure we're just going to sit here and then explain to the principal why he should suspend us.  Why don't we just go?'

He looked at me and said--'Just go?'

And I said--'Yeah, you know, like when you're in a car accident and you both look at your cars and realize there's not enough damage to make it worth starting shit over.'

I looked at him
And he looked at me
Like we were both trying to see
If there really was any damage

And I think we both figured out
That there wasn't anything there
That hadn't already been there before

'Okay,' he said, 'I guess we can go'

So we went to the new supermarket a few blocks away
And hung out in the Frozen Food aisle
Just talking and shit

I'd love to say we became best friends or something after that
But I got expelled two weeks later
For throwing a stapler
At the home ec teacher

If you know anything
About reading between the lines
You can probably tell
That there's a lot more to my story
Than what I'm telling you
But I'm not here to tell my story

I'm just here to give you a part of Charlie's

Charlie could throw a punch
That's the part
I'm here to tell

It's funny how when you're gone
You need so many people
Just to put together
A little bit of you
That everybody can look at
And feel like
They know the whole story

There are two things I know a lot about
Fighting and life

And both are similar in one way

A million people can watch a fight
And a million people can watch a life
But when you start trying to figure out
What happened
And who was to blame
And who threw the first punch
And why it started

Well...

You never get it

You never get the whole story