Charlie's Sister-in-Law

Now the first thing I want to tell you
Is that I liked Charlie

I mean, I didn't like him
When he was drinking
I don't see who would
But otherwise, I liked him just fine

I'm the sister of his second wife
In case you weren't sure

I don't want to confuse you
Even though I'm not sure his first wife
Had any sisters or brothers
We never talked about her much
Because she...

I'm not one to gossip, but--

She married Charlie's brother

Which was, understandably
A sore point for him
Although funnily enough
It wasn't the reason
He started drinking

He started drinking
I believe
Because of that friend of his
Killing himself

Which was a terrible thing
And we all felt just awful about it
But you got to carry on with your life, don't you?

Can't mourn forever
Especially somebody who isn't blood
When you have blood to take care of

He had my sister to worry about
And then they had that little girl
And named her after that man
His name was Cal
So they named her Callie
And well, I found the entire thing
To be a bit morbid

To saddle an innocent child
With the name of someone
Who committed the worst sin there is

But God forbid I say that to Charlie

When his friend died
He stopped going to church with the family
Even though my sister still went
And Callie did as well

Charlie simply would not go

Then when Callie got sick
That time she was in the hospital
With that virus or whatever it was
I asked Charlie to pray with me
And before he could give me that nonsense
About there not being a God

I said--Charlie, your daughter is sick, your wife is hysterical, and I can feel my hair starting to fall out!

(Which happens when I'm nervous)

I said--I don't care what you pray to, but dammit, you're going to pray if I have to tie your hands together with dental floss!  You will PRAY!

And he did
And she got better
And that's all I'm going to say about that

After that was when we noticed the drinking really began
Which didn't make any sense at all

You experience a miracle
And you repay God
By becoming even more of a lousy drunk
Then you were before?

Doesn't make sense to me
Not a bit, not a bit

I won't say I wasn't slightly relieved
When my sister called me one night
After years and years of Charlie making her cry
And humiliating her at family functions
And missing all sorts of things for Callie
School plays and things like that
And finally she says--

That's it, I've had it

So I go pick her up
While Charlie's at that hotel bar
He liked to go to

And I know about that bar
Because my husband had to pick him up from it a few times
When he got too drunk to drive home
Which was mortifying for everybody

Of course I was glad he didn't hop in his car
And kill a van full of people
But it was embarrassing nonetheless

Anyway, I went to my sister's house
Helped her pack
Waited while she wrote a note to Charlie
Discussed for a bit what would happen with Callie
Who was in Europe on a school trip
And then we left

Before we did
I had my sister go out to the car
And as soon as she was out the door
I wrote my own little note to Charlie
Telling him that I liked him very much
And would pray for him
But if he tried coming to my house
Looking for my sister
Then I had a shotgun
And a lawyer for a husband
And could he put two-and-two together

And he must have
Or he just must not have cared
Because he never did come looking for her
And when she sent the divorce papers to the house
For him to sign
He signed
And that was that

Now I realize to some of you
I might be the villain of this evening
Since it is called 'Charlie's Funeral'
And not 'Funeral of Someone Who Wasn't a Drunk and Terrorized an Innocent Woman and Her Family For Years and Years'

And here I am
Saying mean things about a dead man
Which, by the way, is not something I make it a point to do

But if you expect me to sit here
And listen to 'Poor Charlie' stories
Then I am going to open my mouth
And set you right
Because a few good deeds here and there
Does not make somebody a saint

I know how art and the arts can manipulate people
And that's what's happening here

You're all being manipulated
Because art makes you identify and sympathize
With whomever the camera lens
Happens to be focused on

Which is why I don't make it a point to read
Or see theater or go to galleries
Because I have no interest
In identifying with drunks and pimps and child molesters
And because I have better things
To do with my time

But if you want to know about Charlie
Know this--I liked him just fine
Until he started drinking
And gave up on God and his family
And if feeling that way
Makes me a villain
Then maybe I am
But that's only because it's Charlie we're here to talk about

But how many of you are going to be there when I die?
Or my sister?
Or Callie?

Will Charlie be the villain then?

Huh?

Huh?

That's what I thought

I apologize if I've spoiled the evening
But as the good book says--

The truth--and only the truth--shall set you free