Charlie Gets Stoned with His Daughter's Father-in-Law

Charlie came over to the house once
For a barbecue we were having
For the kids

They had been married a few months
And I said to my wife--

'We should have the kids over.  Charlie, too.  Poor Charlie never gets to go to anything because that ex-wife of his.  I'm surprised they even invited him to the wedding.'

Then my wife goes on about how he had a drinking problem
And we don't know the whole story
And I just want to have a barbecue
So I can use that overpriced grill I bought

Wives always stick together

Guy has a drinking problem for a few years
And he's gotta be a pariah for the rest of his life

Screw that, I said, Charlie's comin' over

So the kids came over
And about twenty minutes later
Charlie shows up
And I guess I forgot to tell his daughter
Because she looked all sorts of upset
And she went into the house
And that's when my pussywhipped son
Went in after her
To hold her hand
While she cries
About how tough life is

When I was kid
My dad used to make me and my brothers
Dig holes in the backyard
Looking for buried treasure

That was before people were called scizophrenics
Back then, you were just called 'colorful'

Then my wife pulls me into the kitchen
And yells at me
About surprising Charlie's daughter like that
And how could I be so insensitive
And this whole idea was stupid
And what were we going to do with all this pasta salad she made?

So after awhile we hear a car drive off
And a bedroom door slam
And there's poor Charlie sitting there
On the patio table
With this little plate in front of him
Looking like he's still waiting for his hot dog

Poor bastard

So I figured--Screw it

I said, 'Charlie, are alcoholics allowed to get stoned?'
And he goes, 'Well--'
And I don't wait for him to answer
Because I don't really give a shit

I go into my tool shed
And come back with some medicine
For the two of us

Next thing you know
We're sitting with our legs
Dangling in the pool
Sipping beers
Stoned out of our minds

Talking about kids
And how no matter what you do
They turn it around
So it looks like something bad

I was the first person to get my son stoned
And now he votes for people who don't speak English
And drives a Prius

What the fuck, you know?

I got a little liberal with my parenting
And he went and became King of Liberal Town
And that's probably how he married Charlie's daughter
Because she's the same damn way

That's why she's still crying
Over Daddy having too many drinks

Let me tell you something
Back when I was a kid
We didn't have alcoholics
Or pill poppers
Or child abusers
Or any of that shit

We had parents
Just parents

And you didn't expect them to do a good job
You just expected them to put food on the table
And make sure the roof didn't leak

As long as they did that
Then they were successful child-rearers

And as far as I know
Charlie did that
So who's to say he was a bad dad, huh?

We were enjoying ourselves
Out there by the pool

I could hear my wife in the living room
Watching a 'Designing Women' rerun

I'd love to tell you what else me and Charlie talked about
But all I remember is this joke he told
That was pretty damn stupid
But I laughed at it for a good ten minutes
Until I fell over into the pool
And Charlie had to dive in and save me
Because fuck if I can swim any better
Than a lead weight with lipstick on

So there you go
Charlie saved my life

My wife screamed at me
While I was laying half-conscious on the ground
But later on when she was making up the couch for me
She said--

'That Charlie isn't so bad'

And let me tell you
Coming from her
That's a hell of a compliment