Charlie's Travel Agent

Charlie wanted to go to New York
I said--'Why do you want to go to New York'
He said--'My ex-wife is getting married'
And I'm already thinking
This is going to be one of those cases
Where I'm called in later on
To testify at the murder trial

'Who is she marrying,' I ask
Which was the wrong question

You know what my mother used to say about me?

She said--

'My daughter never met a stupid question she didn't want to ask.'

And she was right
She was a mean old bitch
But she was right

Anyway, I asked it
I said--'Who is she marrying'
And he said--

'My brother'

And that's when I took out the brochures
For the Bahamas

I said, 'Charlie, you are not going to that wedding.  You are going someplace nice.  There is nothing nice about your ex-wife marrying your brother.'

And he said, 'I need to see it.  I need to make peace with it.'

And I said, 'You can make peace with it while you're sipping a margarita on a beach in Aruba.'

And I showed him the brochure
That has the woman on it
Who looks like she'll show you a good time
For a bucket of clam shells
And a pile of sand

'Look at this tramp,' I say, 'Now that's how you should be spending a vacation.'

Then I asked where the wedding was
And he said New York

I told him my cousin had just come back from New York
Where some homeless guy
Peed into her purse
Then charged her for it

But Charlie was determined to go
So I booked the trip for him

It's not my business
To tell people what to do
Just get them good seats on the plane
And a hotel room
That has Diet Coke in the mini-bar

I had those brochures out on my desk all day
And by five o'clock, I thought--

Well, if Charlie's not going to go...

I met a guy on the beach in Aruba
Who had the same color margarita as I did
And let me tell you something
He didn't need to give me a bucket full of clams
Before I was head over heels

He wrote romance novels
And if I can make one suggestion
To you ladies out there, it's this

Marry a man who writes romance novels
And offer to do all their proofreading for them

We got married
And I shut down the travel business
So I could stay home with the hubby

For some reason
After we got married
I didn't feel like leaving home much

As for Charlie
I hope his trip went okay
And that he made peace
With his wife and his brother

I guess you got more of my story than his
But hey, it's a pretty good story, isn't it?