Charlie's Neighbor

Charlie used to jerk off to me

We were neighbors
When we were kids
And I would walk around
In a bathing suit

Because it was summer
And it was my yard
And it was refreshing

And yes, I knew what he was doing

Because when Charlie would...

He would sing

I don't know why
Obviously I couldn't ask

But one day I was sunbathing on the deck
And I hear 'Why Why Why Delilah'
Coming from the house next door

The windows were open
And Charlie's bedroom
Was on the first floor

So I sat up on my deck
And looked over the fence
And that's when I saw Charlie
Duck down in the window

But he must have kept going
Even after I caught him
Because I kept hearing it

'Why, why, why Delilah'

Honest to God
Boys are so strange

I mean, Tom Jones?

Really?

Who sings Tom Jones while they're playing the banjo?

And why that song?

Where did he hear that?

There is nothing sexy about 'Why, Why, Why Delilah"

I walked right over to his house
Because I knew nobody was home
And I knocked on the front door

He opened it
Looking just like the munchkin
In 'The Wizard of Oz'
Who lets everybody into the Emerald City

Okay, I guess he didn't really look anything like that
But for some reason
That was the image
That sprang to mind

I asked him if he was...you know...to me
And he said 'Yeah'
But he wouldn't look me in the eye

So I took him--We were both about, gosh, sixteen then, I guess
I took him--by the hand, marched him
Straight to his bedroom--I'd been in the house before
Every year his family would have a Fourth of July party
And I would sneak into Charlie's room
With a glass of his parent's brandy
And get shitfaced

So we go to his bedroom
I lay him down on the bed
And we do it

We do it right there
Right then

Simple as that

I'd already done it
With one of the other guys
From the neighborhood
Alan Rogers
Who later on in life
Became a documentary filmmaker
So I was already on the pill

As you can imagine
Charlie didn't take very long
And when he was done
I got dressed
While he sat on the edge of the bed
Looking at me
Like I'd just done a magic trick

I asked him if it was his first time
But I already knew the answer

He said the closest he ever came
Was staring down the shirt
Of this girl who tutored him
In long division
Back when he was in elementary school

The truth is, I could already see
That strange sexual habits
Were developing in Charlie

Nothing bad, mind you
It wasn't like he was going to be into
Dressing up like Abe Lincoln or anything

It was just clear
That he was going to have a hard time in life
If some girl didn't straighten him out

So that's what I did
And I'd do it again

He kept jerking off to me
But there was no more singing

I realize this isn't the most appropriate story
To be telling at a funeral
Because you're supposed to only say nice stuff
But the truth is
Charlie jerked off
Just like everybody else

What I will say--in terms of
Something nice
Because I do want to say something nice

Is that Charlie was probably
The most gentle person
I've ever made love to

And on my twenty-first birthday
I realized I was a lesbian
And only had sex with women after that
And STILL Charlie was the most gentle person
So that's really something

Oh, and he had a good voice

He had a really pretty voice