Tony Hooper's Little Brother

Hi, my name is Harry Hooper
And I'm in the second grade

This is my story
Unabridged and uncensored

I had fallen madly in love
With a young girl
Named Felicia Fliksado

I loved her hair
I loved her speech impediment
I loved the alliteration in her name

She was everything I wanted
In a woman

And then she told me
That she was in love
With my brother Tony

Apparently she had a thing for older men
And he, a seasoned fourth grader
Had stolen her heart

I confronted him
Determined to fight for my love
But all he would say is--

TONY:  C'mon, Harry!  I don't want a date a stupid girl!  Besides, Felicia Fliksado flicks her boogers at people at recess.  I'd rather date a muppet!

Methinks he doth protest too much

I did everything I could
To try and change her mind

I explained to her
That my brother can be pretentious

TONY:  First of all, I don't know what that means, but I'm pretty sure only a person who isn't smart would use that word!  That's my first of all.

He can be bossy

TONY:  Geez, you fire your grandpa from working at your lemonade stand and suddenly you're bossy!

And he's hardly the snazziest dresser

TONY:  I guess someone's never heard the phrase 'hand-me-down' before.  That's when a big brother hands down all his ugly clothes to his little brother and by then they're real smelly because the big brother's been wearing them and then hiding them in the back of his closet so his little brother will smell and no stupid booger-flicker will ever love him anyway.

But nothing seem to work on her

She ended up dating Robert Powers
The class paste-eater

His breath may smell like arts and crafts
But his heart is a full one

I was devastated

For an entire weekend, I stayed in my room
And waited for old age to overtake me
So that I could finally get my own apartment
And homeschool myself

Then Tony knocked on the door--

TONY:  Knock, knock.  Hey Harry, I know I'm not always the easiest guy to get along with, but...uh...well...I guess Mom's going to have another baby.  I heard her and Dad talking about it when I dropped a nickel underneath their bedroom door and then my ear got caught against the door for a few minutes while they were talking about it.  Anyway, the baby's probably going to have to have its own room for a little while, so...uh...I was thinking...maybe we could get those bunk beds we wanted and uh...you could move in with me?  I promise I don't snore...until I'm asleep.

That was when I realized
That my brother should probably come before any girl
Because family's important

Especially when a new enemy
Is being brought into the household
To challenge the dominance
Of those already in power

I told my brother Tony
I'd start moving my stuff in
As soon as the baby came
And a truce was put in place

TONY:  I don't know what 'truce' means, but it sounds like something you can put on cake, so it must be good.

He may not be the flashiest name on the marquee
But he's my brother, and I love him

TONY:  Hey Harry, when you move into my room, don't ask about dollhouse.  It was just a phase I was going through.

Besides, what would he do without me?