Charlie's Uncle

Kid came to me after his dad left

Walked out, just like that

Son-of-a-bitch

I liked that guy too
I really did

Well, first thing I said to my sister
When she told me was--

Send the boys down here
Me and their aunt
Will watch them for the summer

It'll be good for 'em

All kids love a farm

Getting up at 4am
Castrating bulls
Trying to get the pigs fed
Before they kick up their shit at you

That's how kids oughta spend their summers

My sister sent Charlie and his brother down here
And we had a good old time
All three months

I got lots of stories from that summer
But since I know y'all don't want me up here all day
Yammering on, I'll just tell you
About the time I taught Charlie to swim

All the kids from around town
Were going to this place
Called 'Death Swamp'
Every weekend
And Charlie wasn't going

Scared him because they called it 'Death Swamp'

I told him, 'Charlie, eighteen fools dying in a lake shouldn't ruin a perfectly good swimming spot.'

So I took him to that lake
While his brother
Was helping my wife
Decapitate the chickens

I felt bad making Charlie miss out on the fun
But learning to swim
Is an important part
Of a child's development

A sinker sinks not only in water
But in life

General Patton said that
And I think he knows what he was talking about

Soon as we got to the lake
I got to teaching

I picked up Charlie by the waist
Lifted him up in the air
And threw him right into the water

Boy, he sank like a stone

I counted to five
And then jumped in after him
And pulled him out

He was all upset
Whimpering
And asking me why I did it

I said, 'Charlie, I could hold you up in this water and let you see how it is to float and cry and sing and play a tambourine, but at the end of the day, you gotta decide you wanna swim, and the only way you decide to swim is to realize that if you can't you're gonna croak.  Now let's try this again.'

And I threw him back in the water

I'd keep throwin' him in
And then I'd keep divin' in to save him

That boy had no survival instincts whatsoever

I bet if I'd've thrown him in front of a moving train
He'd have tried guessing the color of the conductor's eyes
Before he'd have sense enough to move off the tracks

Finally, after about an hour
When his skin was getting kinda blue
And his shivering got real bad
He begged me, 'Please, please Uncle--don't throw me back in that water'

And I said, 'C'mon, Charlie, you'll have to start floating eventually.  Pretty soon there's gonna be more water in you than there is the lake!'

And he said, 'I'm not scared anymore.  I just feel ashamed.'

I looked at my little nephew
All soaking wet and pitiful

Sinking time after time
Realizing his Daddy should be the one
Teaching him about swimming
And life and everything else

But his Daddy was gone
And that meant I had to teach him
Because if a child has to be taught
Then it's everybody's job to teach them
Not just the asshole who walked out the door

So I said--'Charlie, there ain't nothing to be ashamed about.  Some of the best people in this world had to suffer and fail and fall on their faces, and you know what?  It just made 'em better people.  Made 'em tougher, made 'em stronger, made 'em appreciate success when they found it, and dammit, they all found it--and you'll find it too.  It's a good deal when life hands you money and candy and good times for nothing, but you didn't get that deal, Charlie, and so you're gonna have to sink a few times before you swim.  But you stop beating yourself up because most people would've clawed my eyes out before they let me throw them in there as many times as I've thrown you in.  That means you're a fighter, and I'm real damn proud of you.  Proud as I could be of any son.'

And I meant that too
Because me and my wife
Tried to have kids
And well, it didn't pan out so well

I was glad to have somebody
To teach how to swim

Meant a lot to me

I'd love to tell you that Charlie went back in that water
And floated right to the top
But the truth is
Every time he went in
He sank

And I don't know if he ever did
Learn how to swim

When he left here that summer
He was still heavy as a rock
Once you put him in water

But let me tell you something
That boy could catch a pig
Faster than a whore catches the clap

And I was sad to see him go
Once September rolled around

He was a good kid
A real good kid