Charlie's Waitress

Charlie came around into the restaurant
On a Thursday
And I guess
He ate eggs

I do not make it a habit
Of memorizing
Everything
That everybody
Who comes in here
Eats

That's not my way

Could tell by his coffee order
He was heartbroken

That much I can remember

Because when a man orders coffee
Black with extra sugar
That means he's had his soul
Stepped on
Like a bottle
At a Jewish wedding

They step on bottles, right?

My last husband was Jewish
But we got married in my aunt's backyard
Because I was a Wiccan princess
For most of my thirties
Until I found out that they don't have princesses
And that was just something
My sister told me to screw with my head

She always was a bitch

Anyway Charlie ordered black with sugar
Which means he needed the softness of sugar
But wanted the blackness
Of a cup full of creamless coffee

I brought him his coffee
Then committed the cardinal sin
Of waitress-ing

I sat down across from him

You know, in the booth?

Oh sure, some waitresses do it

But unless you're some five-and-dime
Applebee's hoofer
Serving up greasy pot stickers
You stand like a real woman
Who works in the food service industry

But I could see this was a special case

Charlie needed some counseling
And a chocolate-covered donut

'Now listen,' I said to him

'You aren't the first guy to come in here
And order black with extra sugar
And you won't be the last

But what you have to remember
Is this:

You were too good for her.
You were treated badly.
You'll find someone else.'

Now granted
I had not met the woman I was talking about
But that didn't necessarily matter

My customers are always right
And if my customer is sitting in my booth
Drinking extra-sweet coffee
Then some woman out there
Is a ball-crushing whore
And my customer can do better

Charlie could do better

I sure hope he did
Before he died

He left me a real nice tip
And a note
Written on a napkin
Saying thank you

A thank you note

Even though the cook
Screwed up his eggs
And gave him over hard
Instead of scrambled

That man always did
Have to make things more difficult
Than they needed to be

Anyway I've gotten some nice tips in my time
But I never got another thank you note

That was Charlie

He was that kinda guy