Charlie's Girl Scout

Mr. Stamp liked the ginger snaps
Those were his favorite

The first time I went to his house
He bought out my entire supply

In girl scouts, we call that 'a live one'

Someone going through heartache
Or a mental breakdown
Is always good news
In the cookie business

I went back and told my troop leader
That I was going to be moving a lot more product
Than I initially thought
And we started coming up with a battle plan

That year, the troop that sold the most cookies
Was going to spend an entire week
In Miami

Second place troop got a plaque
And coupons to The Olive Garden

Clearly, I was not interested in second place

Mr. Stamp and I developed a certain rapport
After the first week of deliveries
And pretty soon, I was just calling him Charlie

I was at a junior high reading level
When I was seven years old
So I've always felt more comfortable
With adults than people my own age

I also have an incredible sense of empathy
Which is how I could tell exactly how deep Charlie's depression was
And how if I really wanted to keep the gravy train running
I was going to have to prepare for his wild mood swings
And how that would correlate
To his cookie cravings

It was on the day that he shifted to Thin Mints
That we actually had a conversation

He was sitting out on his front lawn
Sipping spiked ginger ale
From a sippy cup
And wearing nothing but a Hawaiian shirt
And a bathing suit

(I'd like to point out that Charlie did not own a pool
Nor did he live near a beach, lake, or pond.)

Clearly, he was a broken man

I'd never had an actual talk with him before
Because I don't make it a point to go into the houses of strange men
Especially not ones going through any sort of crisis

My cousin was once verbally harrassed
By a drunken carnie once
So I'm very sensitive
Towards that sort of thing

But, since he was already out on the front lawn
In full view of the neighborhood
And since he was the reason I was going to be spending
February break on a beach in Miami
I figured I owed it to him to lend an ear

So I opened a box of Shortbreads--on the house
And we had a little heart-to-heart

Apparently Charlie's wife had just left him
For his brother

I told him the same thing happened to my cousin
The one who had been harassed by the carnie
Except instead being left for her sibling
Her boyfriend left her for me
Which created quite a rift in our friendship

My family, like Charlie's, was fraught with scandal

Charlie asked me if I thought my cousin
Would ever forgive me
For stealing the love of her life

I told him that life was. presumably--long
And that she'd probably find another love
And then get over it

He said he hoped so
Because he didn't like hating his brother
Or his wife
And now he was even starting to hate himself

That's when I knew I wasn't going to be able
To sell him any more cookies

Oh sure, it would mean that while the Banville Scouts
Were sunning themselves like whales in Florida
I would eating unlimited salad and breadsticks at the Olive Garden
But sometimes doing the right thing
Is more important than getting the right tan

I told him he had to start getting out of the house
Put on clothes that didn't make him look like the guy who hangs outside the 7-11
And take a trip somewhere
Just not Miami because it's probably overrated anyway

'Life's funny,' I said--I got that one from a fortune cookie
And it always seems appropriate
No matter what the situation is

Then I poured his spiked ginger ale
Onto the grass
And went on my way

That's called tough love

My troop didn't win first place that year
In fact, we didn't even win second place
The girls from District Three did

Apparently someone in that troop's aunt found out her son was dropping out of college
And she ended up buying more product than our entire district combined

I was disappointed
But like the cookie said--Life's funny

A week after our troop won third
I got a letter in the mail
From Mr. Charlie Stamp
With two tickets in it
To Miami
And a note
Saying 'Thank you

I don't know how he found out about what I gave up for him
But I was glad that he seemed to appreciate my advice

I ended up giving the tickets to my cousin
So she and my aunt could go to Miami

I figured she needed the trip more than I did
And I was beginning to miss her
Plus she's had a hard life

Besides, who wants to see the District Three girls
Stretched out on a beach
Like a bunch of overturned horseshoe crabs

Not this girl

My cousin came back with a nice new tan
And a forgiving heart

And for that, I thank Mr. Charlie Stamp
Wherever he is