Charlie's Tattoo

He brought me in this picture
Of this, like, boat

Little boat
Little dinghy kinda thing

With the words S.S. Stamp on it

And I just kinda looked at the picture like

What the fuck--?

He wasn't the first guy
Pushing fifty
Who suddenly decides he's badass
And wants a tattoo and a twenty-year-old girlfriend
To prove it

But I never had anybody
Ask for a tattoo of a boat before

Ehhh, actually I did a pirate ship once
But it had naked women on it
And I think they were the real focus of the piece

I asked him why he wanted a tattoo
Of a ship
And he tells me this story
And I'll tell you
Because that's what we're here for, right?

Stories

I guess somebody else coulda told this one
But something about the way he told it
Made me think it was his first time
Really saying it out loud

It was about this time
He and his dad went fishing

I guess his dad walked out on his family
When the kid was in high school
And before that he wasn't much of a dad anyway
One of those stories

But he did take the kid fishing once
And it was just him and his dad
Because his brother had chicken pox, measles
Some shit like that

So they're out there fishing
On this little boat
The S.S. Stamp
'Cause Stamp is their last name
Which you probably figured out
And they catch a fish

Well, the kid--Charlie--gets all excited
Because he's never caught a fish before
And they bring it into the boat
And it's a big one

Like, bigger than you'd expect to find
In a lake like that
Like this was ocean-fucking-quality

So they both don't really know what to do
And the fish is flopping around
And there's not that much room in the boat
So they're trying to kill it
Because it's flapping its tail at them and shit

But the only thing they have to kill it
Is this hammer that was in the boat
From when the dad was working on it

So Little Charlie picks up the hammer
And goes Kathy Bates on that fuckin' fish
Trying to hit it
But he keeps missing the damn thing
And hits the bottom of the boat
And the thing's probably not made all that well
Because the dad made it
And what the fuck does he know about making boats
He was a writer, or some shit like that

My brother's a writer
Writes kids books

Tobey the Turd
Stupid shit like that
Teaches kids how to poop
Guy's fuckin' loaded

Told him I'm going to write a book called--

'Sit on the Fuckin' Toilet and Go'

'Cause that should be all the advice you need

But back to the fish

So its flopping
And Charlie goes to hit it
Hits the bottom of the boat instead
And what happens?

A fuckin' hole appears
That's what happens

So now water's comin' into the boat
And Charlie and his dad are trying to find something
To plug it up with
And the fish looks like it's laughing at them now
Like--

'Haha motherfuckers, you're going to be in my lake in a second.  Then let's see what happens.'

So Charlie's dad just kicks the damn fish out of the boat
And they start trying to get the water out
Using just their hands
Cupped like this
Which doesn't do shit

And they're lookin' like Laurel and Costello
With Charlie goin'

'Dad!  I can't swim!  I can't swim!'

And Dad goin--

'Neither can I!  Neither can I!'

So finally they just put on lifejackets
And jump into the water
Hoping the fish doesn't come back
And take revenge on 'em
'Cause that fucker was big

And they sort of float their way back to shore

So Charlie tells me this story
And I say--

'That is one funny fuckin' story, sir.  But why do you want that tattooed on you for the rest of your life?'

And Charlie looks at me and says--

'My Dad died last week.  That's the only good memory I have of him.'

And I say--

'Nearly drowning in a lake is the best memory you have of your Dad?'

And he says--

'Yeah.  We laughed a lot that day.  That was a good day.'

So I went right on ahead
And put that boat on his arm

Tried to make it as small as I could
That way if he regretted it later
He could always cover it up with sleeves
Or turn it into a badass pirate ship

I've done a lot of tattooes in my life
But I still remember that stupid looking boat

And Charlie never came back asking for a pirate ship
So I guess he was pretty happy with it