Charlie's Hotel

Charlie and I used to go to the same bar
In the lobby of this hotel
Downtown

I'd go because I was seeing this guy
This married guy
And we'd meet there every Tuesday
And usually I'd need a couple of drinks beforehand
To get over the fact that I was no longer in my twenties
And still doing stupid shit
Like hooking up with married men in hotel rooms
On Tuesday evenings
Waiting for them to figure out that they're gay

The first couple of weeks
Charlie and I would just glance down the bar at each other

I think we were trying to figure each other out

I thought he was looking for a hustler
And he thought I was a hustler
And the only reason we talked to each other at all
Is because I heard the bartender call him Charlie
And I like the name Charlie

So that week, I moved down a few seats
And struck up a conversation with him
And that's when we revealed our imagined narratives to each other

Charlie said he liked to go to the hotel
To people watch
And I said I did too

I felt too ashamed to admit
The real reason

Charlie and I developed a kind of friendship after that
He was a nice guy
Older than me
Which, I'll admit, was sort of a turn-on

He had that fatherly look
That I go for

I saved myself a lot of money on therapy
By self-diagnosing myself with Daddy issues

He used to talk about his wife
And his daughter
And his job, which he didn't like
And his writing, which he did--but which didn't pay the bills

He used to drink a lot more than me
But I never said anything about it
Because it wasn't my place

Who was I to judge, right?

After about an hour every week
We'd both settle up our tabs
He'd go home to his family
And I'd go upstairs
And sometimes I wondered
Which one of us was more miserable
Because, you know, I hate to say this about--
I mean, I'm sure his family was nice
But you could tell he wasn't happy

Then one week, I get to the bar a little early
And someone walks over
Someone who worked at the hotel
And they hand me a little note
That says--

'Can't come anymore.  Sorry.'

That was it

The end of my affair--in four words

I was...

I knew it was coming

The previous week
He wouldn't even look at me while we--

And I...

But I kept sitting at the bar
Because I didn't know what else to do

It seems silly to say I'd invested something in that
In weekly liasons with a soccer dad
But that's how I felt

I felt like someone had cleaned out my bank account
And left me with a shitload of bills

Charlie got there late
Long day at the office or something
And by the time he did
I was already pretty far gone

I guess he was concerned for me or something
Because the next thing I know
He's tossing me over his shoulder
And carrying me through the lobby
Up to the room number I'd given him

I vaguely remember one of the girls at the concierge desk
Winking at me
As if to say--


'It's about time you two bit the bullet and got down to business.'


I wonder what she would have thought
If she knew I spent the next two hours
Throwing up
While Charlie sat with me
And told me everything was going to be all right


When I was finally able to crawl off the bathroom floor
He helped me get into bed
And then...

Well, I started to cry
Which, you know
I'm not ashamed of
Or anything
It's just...

He laid next to me


He got in bed with me
And put his arms around me
Not in a--not in a sexual way


I mean, I was practically green
I was so sick


There was nothing romantic going on there


It was more like when you're sick as a kid
And your mom gets in bed with you
To make you feel better


Psychologists say that ultimately
That's not good for the kids
But it always made me feel better
When my mom would do it

And it made me feel better
When Charlie did it

I realize now that he must have gotten home really late
And who knows what he told his wife
Or his kid

He had a daughter, I think
I think I remember him saying
That he had a daughter...

That's kind of the reason
I'm telling you this

Because I never went back to the hotel after that

I ended up getting fixed up on a date
With this really great guy
And we've been together now
For awhile and well...

When I heard about Charlie
I wondered if his wife and kid knew
That he saved my life that night

I probably would have opened a window and jumped out of it
If Charlie hadn't been there
To let me know
There are still some decent people in this world

I regret not going back to the hotel
And thanking him for what he did
But who knows?

Maybe he stopped going there too

The last memory I have of Charlie
Is falling asleep
With his arms around me
Telling me everything was going to be okay

And as far as last memories go
That's not a bad one to have