I Won't Believe You

The problem is

That everybody thinks

They know someone

Who was falsely accused

Everybody says--

Oh yeah, we believe victims

But, uh, you know, my cousin got accused by this girl--

And am I saying

That no woman in history

Has ever falsely accused

A man?

No

No, I am not saying that

But statistically speaking

Not everyone

Who has a male relative

Who claims they were falsely accused

Can--do you see where I’m going with this?

So the fact is--

Somebody out there

Has a relative--

A father, a brother, somebody

Who is lying to their face

About assaulting

Or raping a woman

And the other problem is--

Okay, do you want to hear my solution?

This is--

Some might call this extreme

But this is what I would do

And I’m going to do it

One day

When I have a son

This is what I’m going to do

I’m going to say

To my son--

I will not believe you

That’s what I’m--

And I know maybe once I have a son maybe I’ll--

But I don’t think I will

I don’t think I’ll feel any differently

About this

I’m going to say to my son--

I will not believe you

If a woman

Accuses you

Of something like this

And I’m going to follow it up with--

So you better make sure

You are not even CLOSE

To being in a situation

Where it could even be conceivable

That you would wind up

Accused of something like that

Because maybe then

We’ll get somewhere

Because the fact is--

Men count on false accusations

The very, very small number of them

To shield themselves

When they actually do something wrong

And I don’t know what to do about that

So all I can think of is to say--

You know what?

We really will

Be unfair about all this

We really will say--

Yes, maybe you are innocent

But it doesn’t matter

Because statistically speaking

You are not innocent

And far more guilty men

Have gotten off with no consequences

And that is not right

That is not fair

So let’s--

Let’s err on the side of--

Your sorry ass is guilty

Let’s do that

Let’s try it for a few hundred years

And see if maybe it gets a few creeps

To watch their behavior a little better

Because there won’t even be a question

About whether or not they’ll be believed

What would happen

If we said to all men everywhere--

You will not be believed

Because, essentially

That’s what women have had to hear

For--uh, forever

So let’s flip the script, right?

Why not?

See what happens

It’s been one way for so long

Why not try it the other way

When you’ve been where I am

When you’ve heard what I’ve heard

And had, uh, my experiences?

You’re willing to try anything

To get it
To stop