Scrooge McDuck Explains Fiscal Responsibility

(A vault.)

SCROOGE:  --And he expects me to help with rent.

GIZMO:  Well, rent is pretty expensive in Duckburg.

SCROOGE:  Nobody helped me with rent
when I was starting out.

GIZMO:  Did Duey--

SCROOGE:  Huey.

GIZMO:  Did Huey say what kind of work he
wants to do?

SCROOGE:  Non-profit.  A phrase that makes no
sense to me whatsoever.

GIZMO:  It’s a noble field.

SCROOGE:  He’s not going to make any money.

GIZMO:  Not everybody is interested in making money.

SCROOGE:  People who need their uncles to
pay their rent should be.

GIZMO:  It’s not like you can’t afford it.

SCROOGE:  It’s got nothing to do with what
I can afford.  It’s about fiscal responsibility.

GIZMO:  How did you--uh, if you don’t mind me asking--

SCROOGE:  Yes, you can eat the gold.  
It’s good for you.

GIZMO:  Uh, I don’t think you--

SCROOGE:  But if you find a quarter, leave it be.  
Or better yet--throw it out. It’s just going to get in
the way of the real money.

GIZMO:  How did you get rich?

(A beat.)

SCROOGE:  That’s a rude thing to ask.

GIZMO:  I’m just curious.  Everybody is, actually.  
Nobody has any idea how you--Well, how you
have so much money.

SCROOGE:  I might say it’s none of your business.

GIZMO:  You could say that.

SCROOGE:  I might say that, but my nephews are
all asking me the same thing--greedy little duckers.

GIZMO:  Sooo?

(A beat.)

SCROOGE:  Pillows.

GIZMO:  Pillows?

SCROOGE:  Pillows. Me great-great-great
grandfather started a very successful pillow business
and I’ve been living on that money ever since.

GIZMO:  Then it’s not as if you...
worked for any of this.

SCROOGE:  Of course I did.

GIZMO:  You worked in the...pillow factory?

SCROOGE:  I did familial work.

GIZMO:  What does that mean?

SCROOGE:  It means my family worked
and now I have money.

GIZMO:  But you didn’t actually do anything.

SCROOGE:  I did something.

GIZMO:  What did you do?

SCROOGE:  I was related.  I related myself.

GIZMO:  That’s not a thing you did.

SCROOGE:  I disagree.

GIZMO:  Well, could Duey--

SCROOGE:  Huey.

GIZMO:  Could Huey say he related
himself to you?

(A beat.)

SCROOGE:  I wouldn’t accept him
as a relation.

GIZMO:  He’s your nephew.

SCROOGE:  All I have are nephews.  
And a brother. I think. I don’t know
what Donald is. Could be my wife
for all I know. All he does is jabber on
nonsensically.

GIZMO:  Is Donald Huey’s father?

SCROOGE:  No, he’s their uncle too.
I don’t know if they have parents.
I assume they must. A mother at least.

GIZMO:  But they’re not entitled to any
of the money you have?

SCROOGE:  No.

GIZMO:  But they’re from the same family as you.

SCROOGE:  We don’t know that.

GIZMO:  You’re sounding a little bit--

SCROOGE:  Yes?

(A beat.)

GIZMO:  Greedy.

SCROOGE:  You know, Gizmo, f I wasn’t
waist-deep in this pile of money, I would
swim through this vault full of gold and
slap the piss out of you.

GIZMO:  How much is your nephew’s rent
that you can’t--I mean, one handful of any
of this and you could probably buy him a house.

SCROOGE:  Oh sure! First it’s a
house, then it’s a car, then it’s clothing, then food--

GIZMO:  You’re actually going down in value.

SCROOGE:  Am I? I don’t really know
what anything costs.  Is food more or
less than the car?

GIZMO:  I just don’t think you’re the
person to be lecturing, well, anyone,
on fiscal responsibility.

SCROOGE:  But are you aware that I’m rich?

GIZMO:  That doesn’t mean anything.

SCROOGE:  It means I’m rich.

GIZMO:  But it doesn’t make you responsible.

SCROOGE:  I’m responsible for being rich.

GIZMO:  But not for getting rich.

SCROOGE:  That’s true.  I’ve never
gotten rich.  I’ve always just...been rich.

GIZMO:  And don’t you think that
obligates you to do nice things for
people?  At least for the people
related to you? Who love you?

SCROOGE:  If I have to do nice things
for everybody who loves me, I’ll be
doing things for--two, maybe even three people.
Maybe four people if I can ever find that goose
who showed up at the mansion saying
I was the father of her child.

GIZMO:  And would being nice to those people
be so bad?

SCROOGE:  They could be very needy
people, Gizmo.

GIZMO:  I think you need to pay Huey’s rent,
Scrooge.

SCROOGE:  But we could be talking about
hundreds of dollars here.

GIZMO:  You’re literally swimming in money.

SCROOGE:  Not really.  I can’t move a lot
right now because the gold is bunched up
around my chest, but--

GIZMO:  Pay the rent.

SCROOGE:  But--

GIZMO:  Pay the rent, pay the rent, pay the rent!

SCROOGE:  All right, fine!

GIZMO:  Great. That wasn’t so hard, was it?

SCROOGE:  It will be when I go to dive in here
a few months from now and the gold line is an
inch shorter.  At that point, I may as well move
into a cardboard box on the street and beg for change.

GIZMO:  When that day comes, you let me know,
Scrooge, and I’ll loan you some coins.

SCROOGE:  Oh Gizmo, you’ve got a giving heart.

GIZMO:  Thank you, Scrooge.

SCROOGE:  I guess if you’re going to be generous
with anything.  It should be with your heart.

GIZMO:  For most people, that's as generous
as they can afford to be.

The End