Conjugating Pronouns

      (ALICE, JANE, and MARCIA are sitting in a classroom.)

ALICE:  I'm so excited we signed up for this.

JANE:  I know. I've always wanted to learn another language.

MARCIA:  Remember. If we stick with this for a year, next year--it's Paris!

ALICE:  I've heard this instructor is really great too.

     (PIERRE enters.)

PIERRE:  Hello ladies, welcome.

JANE:  Enchantee.

PIERRE:  Ohhh perhaps you are the instructor, eh?

JANE:  (Laughs.)  I know a few phrases, but I'm perfectly happy to start from the beginning.

ALICE:  I speak fluent Italian.

JANE:  I mean, that's not useful at all, Alice.

ALICE:  You don't know that. It's all European.

MARCIA:  I know Mandarin.

ALICE:  Now that's useless.

PIERRE:  Nothing is useless in the pursuit of learning, eh?

ALICE:  I'm already very into this accent.

PIERRE:  I like to start with conjugating words. Just so you get accustomed to thinking of things in terms of masculine and feminine.

ALICE:  It's like that in Italian too.

JANE:  We get it. You know Italian.

PIERRE:  Let's try seeing what your instincts are regarding certain words and which gender they would fall into, shall we?

MARCIA:  Bonjour.

JANE:  That's wrong.

MARCIA:  That's why I'm here.

PIERRE:  Bank. What is bank--masculine or feminine?

ALICE:  Masculine.

PIERRE:  Correct.

ALICE:  Points for me!

JANE:  We're not doing points yet.

PIERRE:  That is true.

ALICE:  I'll just give myself the points.

MARCIA:  Can I give myself points too?

ALICE and JANE:  No.

PIERRE:  How about store?

JANE:  Just a regular store?

PIERRE:  Yes.

ALICE:  I'll say feminine. Because the last one was masculine.

JANE:  That's a dumb way of--

PIERRE:  That is correct.

JANE:  All right, well, never mind.

PIERRE:  How about power?

     (A beat.)

JANE:  Uh, well--

MARCIA:  Masculine?

PIERRE:  Yes.

JANE:  But women can have power.

PIERRE:  Yes. This is not to say they cannot. It is to say--that is how to say it.

ALICE:  Jane, it's fine. This was all decided hundreds of years ago.

JANE:  No, I know, I just find it--it's fine. What's the next one?

PIERRE:  Fear.

MARCIA:  Masculine?

PIERRE:  No, feminine.

JANE:  Okay, but--why would fear be feminine? Men can be afraid.

PIERRE:  Not in France, they cannot be.

JANE:  No man in France has ever felt fear?

PIERRE:  No.

JANE:  That seems--

MARCIA:  Jane, you're being weird.

JANE:  I'm weird? This language thinks fear is a feminine trait.

MARCIA:  I mean, I get afraid sometimes.

ALICE:  Only when somebody brings up Popeye.

MARCIA:  It's not just Popeye. It's all one-eyed sailors.

JANE:  I just don't get why fear would be a female thing?

PIERRE:  Not female. Feminine.

JANE:  Why would it be a feminine thing?

PIERRE:  We have a lot to cover so I prefer not to dwell on--

JANE:  It's just--How am I supposed to learn conjugation? Is it just based on stereotypes?

PIERRE:  No.

JANE:  What's prissy?

PIERRE:  Feminine.

JANE:  Woodworking?

PIERRE:  Masculine.

JANE:  Grief?

PIERRE:  Feminine.

JANE:  Strength?

PIERRE:  Masculine.

MARCIA:  Eye-liner?

PIERRE:  Feminine.

JANE:  Okay, but that's--

ALICE:  Men can wear eye-liner, Jane.

JANE:  PICK YOUR BATTLES, ALICE.

ALICE:  Why are we battling? We paid for this class.

JANE:  What if I don't want to conjugate?

PIERRE:  Pardon?

JANE:  Is that French for 'Sure, go ahead?'

PIERRE:  No.

MARCIA:  You can't change the language before you've even learned it, Jane.

JANE:  Language is constantly changing, Marcia. Who better to redecorate a house than somebody who's just moved in?

PIERRE:  Decorate is feminine.

ALICE:  What about demolish?

PIERRE:  Masculine.

ALICE:  I buy that.

MARCIA:  I already miss Mandarin.

     End of Play