The Pepe Problem

      (An office at Warner Bros. EVA is sitting at a desk. She presses a button on the phone.)

EVA:  Mark? You can show my 3:45 in.

     (PEPE LE PEW enters. He's a skunk.)

EVA:  Pepe! My goodness, what an honor.

PEPE:  It is my pleasure, madam.

EVA:  Oh, Eva. Please. No need to be formal.

PEPE:  You would like to keep it casual then?

EVA:  Professionally casual, yes. Have a seat.

PEPE:  Oui.

     (PEPE sits. EVA sits, then exhales.)

EVA:  I just want to let you know that we here at Warner Bros are so excited to be rebooting the Looney Tunes.

PEPE:  I am most excited for it as well.

EVA:  That's good to hear. Of course, as I'm sure you can understand, all the characters we're bringing back are going to need a certain amount of...retuning.

PEPE:  Re-who so?

EVA:  You were all created sooooo long ago. It's to be expected that you might need some...updating for modern times.

PEPE:  You will put me in the Hi-Def yes?

EVA:  Uh, well, yes, we will be doing that, but we also need to talk about...behavior.

PEPE:  Behavior?

EVA:  Yes. We have new guidelines for appropriate behavior that I need to share with you. I need to make sure you can...follow the new rules.

PEPE:  Like no eating carrots in the freezer meant for the Bunny?

EVA:  Uh, probably, yes, that will be--But I was mainly thinking about you and...cats.

PEPE:  Kitties?

EVA:  Yes. It seems you have a habit of, uh, following cats around?

PEPE:  Only if a bit of paint has fallen on one of them causing them to resemble a lady skunk.

EVA:  Right, but it seems as though--based on the footage I've seen from your old cartoons--it seems as though this attention you're giving them is...unwanted.

PEPE:  I am a hopeless romantic.

EVA:  You're...a bit aggressive.

PEPE:  Women like to be charmed, no?

EVA:  I can't speak for all women. I can speak for cats that are being pursued by skunks.

PEPE:  She is a much prettier skunk than she is a cat.

EVA:  I don't want to get into whether or not she looks better as a--

PEPE:  But it is my schtick.

EVA:  Your stick?

PEPE:  My schtick. My concept. What I do. It is...all I do.

EVA:  Well, you are a skunk. We were thinking we could lean into that a little bit more instead of, you know, the harassment.

PEPE:  I am not harassing. I am wooing.

EVA:  But the wooing is unwelcome.

PEPE:  Could you find me a real skunk to woo then?

EVA:  We don't really want you wooing anyone that doesn't want to be wooed.

PEPE:  Then find me someone who does want to be wooed.

EVA:  That is, uh, easier said than done.

PEPE:  A female skunk who will love me.

EVA:  For some reason, they all work at Universal.

PEPE:  What would you have me do then?

EVA:  We were thinking you could accidentally...spray people.

PEPE:  Accidentally?

EVA:  Yes. You could be come startled by something or upset and you could just--spray all over everyone.

PEPE:  I am not incontinent!

EVA:  No, but everyone makes mistakes.

PEPE:  You would rather me go around passing my gas onto people rather than allow my love for the painted cat to carry me away on a cloud of romance?

EVA:  Yes.

PEPE:  I shall leave! I shall leave and never come back!

EVA:  Where would you go? Disney won't have you. They don't do skunks. And they're certainly not going to dump a bucket of paint on Pluto and let you chase him around.

PEPE:  Pluto looks nothing like a skunk. I would never be that blind.

EVA:  We can keep work-shopping. The important thing is that you get used to the idea that you're no longer going to be allow to do what you were solely created to do.

PEPE:  Next you will be telling the coyote not to chase the silly bird.

EVA:  He's my 4:30 appointment. I have Elmer first. Hunters? Ha. I don't think so.

     End of Play