Football Shall Make You A Good Christian Man

Football shall make you

A good Christian man

For any game

That casts its focus

On the motion

Of the feet

And legs

And lower parts

Of the body

And NOT the hands

Is a game

Designed for virtue

And righteousness

Also, the athleticism

And all forms of it

Should be encouraged

By the church

And its supporters

For the sweat

And energy

Expended

On gameplay

And sportsmanship

Help detract

From the more amorous activities

The boys in the village

Could get themselves

Tied up in

Why, ever since

We began our parish league

We’ve noticed

A substantial decrease

In the number of young girls

We have to send off

To various schools

Across the county

So that they may reflect

For a period of

Eight to nine months

Indeed, I am quite confident

That had Christ lived

Long enough

To see the challenges

Of the flesh

Our young men face

He would not only

Be in approval of our hobby

But would most likely

Coach one of the teams himself

Now I know much

Has been said

About the violence

That takes place

On the field

But what about the violent nature

Of carnal behaviors

Taking place

Outside of a marriage bed?

Surely, an arm bent backwards

Or a leg twisted

Nearly clean off

Is nowhere near as disturbing

As the innocence of a women

Obliterated because some poor young man

Was tempted

By an exposed wrist

Or a flash of ankle

As she paraded by him

On her way to what might be

Her weekly coven meeting

Or some such thing

Why yes, a boy was practically beheaded

Just a fortnight ago

But wasn’t it a rollicking sight

When he played the rest of the match

With what I’m sure was a broken neck

Leading us into yet another victory?

The Lord will protect

Those insistent on winning

And while I have heard tell

That we should not believe

Our Father in Heaven

Prefers on team over another

As we all, after all,

Teams put together

By the churches of various counties

I would hasten to disbelieve

That our God loves us most of all

For we are most willing

To send as many of our players to him

As it takes to bring home that lovely trophy

We have constructed

Out of owl bones

And hog epidermis

I would caution you all

That I have chosen

To keep last year’s trophy

In the courtyard of the church

From this point hence

As it does reek quite a bit

No matter how much
I attempt to air out the place

But no matter

We are golden

In both morality

And competition

You young men

Covered in the blood

Of your opponents

Are truly our best hope

For a future

That is covered

In Christian prosperity

Thank you, Heavenly Father

For sending us football

For it is the violent delight

That will keep us all

In chaste perpetuity

Amen