I Need to Know I’m Not the Craziest Person You’ve Dated

I need to know

I’m not the craziest person

You’ve dated

I apologize

For using the word ‘crazy’
As I know

It’s not a positive term

But you get what I’m saying, right?

Like, now that I’ve told you

Every crazy thing
I’ve ever done

I need you to assure me

That if we date

I am, at minimum

The second-least craziest person

You’ve been with

Because if there is any chance

I am going to be the craziest

We need to call this off

Right here and now

I work very hard

To only date people

Who are appreciative of me

Because everyone they’ve dated before me

Are unqualified

Absolute

Lunatics

If that does not describe

This current situation

Then I need to walk away

I refuse to be the person

You tell stories about
Years from now

At parties

Or on dates

With other people

While they sit there

And judge me

Not even knowing me

Chewing on their breadsticks

And trying to remember my name

So they can stalk me on social media later

And see if they can spot

The spark of insanity in my photos

I will not be

That person

I am going to be

The one that got away

Or the one that ended amicably

Or the one that was kind of a mess

But nothing to write home about

I will accept that

But I will not be

The one you still think about

Years later

Because I have forever messed you up

In ways that will make it hard for you

To be with anyone else

I mean, if we break up

Obviously I’m not going to want you

To be with anyone else

But if you are

I don’t want your issues with them

To be traced back to me

Like I’m some kind of

Psychological Ebola monkey

The patient zero

Of you all your trauma

I can’t be that

So if you think

That sounds like something

You can agree to
Please sign

At the bottom of this form

To officially recognize

Everything I’ve just laid out for you

I don’t want to call this

An NDA

Because that’s not technically

What this is

But it’s also not not not that

Basically if we date

And it doesn’t work out
Which it probably won’t

Because, you know,

Let’s be honest

About the odds here

You are not permitted

To talk about me

Ever again

Even in vague terms

Even where you, like,

Rhyme my name

With someone

To help them guess

Who I am

I also agree

Not to talk about you

Although I am allowed

To write poetry

About a mysterious man

That will sound a lot like you

But luckily

Nobody is going to read that poetry

So I really don’t think

You have anything

To worry about

At least not

Once we break up

While we’re together

You still have plenty

To worry about

But hopefully not more

Than you’ve worried about

In the past

As long as I’m not the worst

I mean, I don’t need

To be the best

Like, how would that even work?

Being the best?

Yeah

I wouldn’t know

What that’s like