The King and Queen Are Breaking Up

The King and Queen

Are separating

But it’s really

Totally fine

They’re, you know,

They’re handling it well

And it’s all really fine

Nobody’s mad

At anybody

And yeah, they’re not sure

Who’s going to get the royal army

And who’s going to get

To keep the castle

But there’s no reason

Any of that

Needs to get sorted out now, you know?

Like, the King was definitely

Being kind of a jerk

About the whole thing at first

But now he’s calmed down

And he gets that, like,

This is really for the best

I mean, they’ve barely talked

Since the royal jubilee

And everybody saw

That they weren’t holding hands

When they were sitting in their thrones

But people were just really preoccupied

With the beheadings

And the hot oil getting poured

On the invaders

But something was definitely up

And the ladies-in-waiting noticed

And they said something to the knights

But the knights thought

That maybe the Queen was just stressed

Because she’s been trying

That new thing with her hair

And nobody in the kingdom thinks it looks good

And nobody is saying that

But she knows that we don’t like it

And that’s why she keeps

Sending more and more people

To the dungeons

And it’s like--

Just change your hair back

To the way it was

It was fine

But so everybody thought

She was mad about that

But it turns out

She was just upset

About what was going on

With the King

He invaded this new country

That he totally cannot afford

And the Queen was like--

‘When were you going to tell me

That we have a new country now?’

And the King was like--

‘I didn’t know I needed to tell you

Every time

I invaded a new country’

And that set off

This huge argument

Which you could totally hear

From the East Wing

Of the castle

But nobody said anything

And then someone was like--

‘Do you think they’re going

To break up?’

And we were all like--

‘No!’

Because they’re the King and Queen

Like they’re iconic, right?

But now, here we are

They’re breaking up

And it’s like--

Which side are you going to take?

Because technically

Either one of them

Can have us killed

So it’s like--

Should we go with the King?

Or the Queen?

Or move to a different kingdom

Or try democracy

Or something?

There are just a lot of questions

Right now

That we can’t have answered

But it’s all going to be totally fine

Because we’re all adults

And they’re monarchs

And that horde of visigoths

Is probably not going to get here

For at least another two weeks

And we’ll definitely have this

All sorted out by then

But in the meantime

Just be cool

And don’t make it weird

At the jousting tournament, okay?

They’re both really hurting right now

And it’s important

That we support them

Because it’s been decreed by god

That they’re better than us, so…

Wow, isn’t politics

So weird?

It can just be

Really

Weird