How Do You Know Him?

How do you know him?
Wait, wait, wait
Why is that a touchy question?
All of a sudden it's a touchy question
How-somebody-knows-somebody
I'm just asking
It's just a question
How do you know him?

Because I've thought about it
I mean, I've really thought this through
Because, you know, what else do I have to think about?
And who doesn't like a project, you know?
It's just--things bounce around in your brain
You start to think of this or that
And pretty soon, you're thinking
Wait, wait, wait
Something isn't adding up here
And that's what brings me to you
And him

I'm not really sure
How you two
Would you know each other

And yes, yes
You both know me
I could be a sort of connector
Except, and here's where I give a little
In the interest of, you know, getting a little
I will admit
That I would find it very odd
If I were the connector for you two
Because I have done everything
And I mean EVERYTHING
To make sure that you two never meet
And now it appears--you've met

So--

How did that happen?

Because I knew how this would go
You two--interacting together
Like gunpowder and a lit match
And from the look you just gave him
I can see I was right

Now--you don't work together
You don't live anywhere near each other
There is a significant--SIGNIFICANT--age difference
So please, tell me
How did this little friendship
Develop?

Huh?

Because I have theories
I have ideas
About how it might have happened

Oh, don't get me wrong
I have PLENTY of ideas

But before I tell you my ideas
Why don't you
Just tell me
The truth

The truth about how
You know him

And then I'll tell you
About how much longer
You're going to know me

The Rodeo Boy

The rodeo boy has been playing with a toothpick
For the better part of an hour

He's sitting on the corner
Outside the gas station
Waiting for somebody to show up

Nat shows up, with her hair pulled back
Just interested in picking up some chips
For a Saturday night in
But when she sees the rodeo boy
She walks around the store a couple of times
Before finally going outside
To sit down next to the boy she's known of since second grade
But hasn't talked to, not even once

We couldn't hear what they were talking about
But we saw them nod and move closer together
And rodeo boy even smiled when Nat put her hand on his shoulder

Then the two of them got into Nat's car
And whoever rodeo boy was waiting for
Just got stood up

. . . . .

I should tell you I was only eighteen
But yes, I took him to my aunt's house
Because she goes to bed early
And we sat in her driveway
And we, yeah, we drank
We drank quite a bit
It was my brother's car
And he always had beer in the trunk

My phone was going off like crazy
Because I was only supposed to go for a chip run
And instead I was gone three hours
But I texted my brother to say he was okay
And he texted back saying 'Screw you, my car better be okay'
That's my brother for you

That's why I couldn't bring Sam
Back to my house
My brother would have taken one look at him
And then he would have started throwing punches
Just for the hell of it
Because a boy was in a car
With his little sister

We didn't do anything bad
Aside from drinking when we were both too young
But we did listen to some music
And we did hold hands
And yeah, maybe I snuck a kiss from him
Or maybe a few kisses
This was awhile ago
This was...

I guess it wasn't that long ago

But right after this
When I dropped him back off
At the gas station where I picked him up
The rodeo boy went home
And somebody was waiting for him

Somebody he owed money to, I guess
I don't know, I never could read about it too much

I just know that was it

As far as...regrets

I wish I had asked him more questions
Or sat with him longer
Or kissed him a few more times

I wish it hadn't taken all those years
Just for me to get up the guts
To say hi to him

The next morning
All I had were my regrets
And my heartache
And I owed my brother
For the beer we drank

I wish I had more story for you
But that's it

That's all I got

One Day I Won't Be Lost

One day I won't be lost
I'll just be a traveler
Somebody who's seen the world

People keep trying to say 'Here, here'
Because as soon as they find out you're out there
They want to pull you in
Like you're drowning
And they can save you
But--shit--it's...
It's hard not to hurt their feelings
By saying, 'I think I'm just going to keep on going'
So, you know, you leave a note
And you're gone in the morning
And you didn't take anything from them
Even the stuff they offered
And you know they're going to spend
--You know, probably a good amount of time--
Looking for you, after that
And you just have to move on anyway

You know, when a person wakes up everyday
Somewhere different from where they woke up the day before
Uh, uh, uh--it's...it keeps you feeling...
I mean, alive, yeah, but sort of shaky alive, you know?
Like, I'm always like--what the--and then I remember
Oh right, I'm somewhere else
And I have to adjust to that
And it's--I mean, I won't lie to you, it's a high, kind of
It's a kind of rush

One time I woke up
And I had that--you know, that experience
That a lot of people who do what I do have
I woke up
And there was a gun pointed at me
Right at my face

And BAM, you know
Instantly, you're wide awake
But a second ago you were just asleep
So your instincts are still kind of slow
Even though the adrenaline is coming
And it's coming fast

What the hell man?  What's with the gun?

Guy just stood there
Looking like he was more scared than I was
Didn't want money, I could see that
And he knew--
I mean, he sees me sleeping on a park bench
He knows I don't have anything

But I guess he has a gun
And I guess he just wants to point it at someone
To see what it feels like

I guess, I mean, because he only holds it on me
Until I speak up, and then he just backs away
For a few steps, I mean, and then he turns and runs
And fuck, I don't run after him
I'm not fucking crazy

That was the closest I ever came to being like--

No, no more
Enough of this shit
I'm out

But then I just...

I mean, I don't know how
I was so worked up, or I should have been, but...
I just kind of forced myself
To go back to sleep

And the next time I woke up
There were two kids playing frisbee
And a woman reading a book
On a pink blanket
And I thought--

Well, this is nice

I don't even know if they saw me
Or maybe they did
And they thought
Well, it's his park too
Let him do what he wants

These two things
All in one day
A very violent encounter, you know
And then this peaceful sort of idyllic scene
It just...

It just meant sometimes you get this
And sometimes you get that
And you can fall victim to one
Or you can relax into the other
Or...you know

You can move

It's not just about the place, you know
It's about the feeling you get
When you open your eyes
And see what's been handed to you

So...

I move

Until something feels right
Or something stops me
From moving

And truthfully, it all feels
Like being lost

But I believe
I mean, I really believe
That one day
It won't

One day I won't be lost

I'll open my eyes
See what I see
And think--

Yeah

This one's a keeper

On the Back Streets of Shinjuku

On the back streets of Shinjuku
There's a little boy there
And he'll play cards with you

You win and he'll give you whatever you want
Just name it and it'll be back at the hotel waiting for you

He's the tourist trap, the little boy
Because it costs to play cards with him
At his little folding table

And even though it is possible to win
And you'll understand the rules
The nature of the game
You can't win
Not really

So you'll lose
And that'll cost you even more

Just out of curiosity
Because I'm curious, you know
Tell me--

What did you want from the little boy?

What would your one wish have been?

I was watching you from the window
I have a little room in the motel
Next to the alley

From up here I can conduct my business
And keep an eye on the little boy

He's not my son
But he's the son of a girl I used to know
And the girl is long gone
So I keep an eye on him now

I'm the one who taught him how to play cards

I taught him that the better you help somebody understand how to win
The more likely it is they'll end up losing

You make the rules very simple
You play fair
And you'll take the shirt off their back
Every single time

So what did you want?
Maybe I can help you get it
You came all the way here
And now you have to leave with nothing
With less than you came with
A lighter pocket, as they say

I feel bad about that
Even though I created this problem
Found a kid who could grant wishes
And turned him into what he is now

But I can't stop him
He likes the cards
And he really likes watching people lose
I get nervous thinking about
The kind of man he's going to be one day

But for now I just watch him
I make sure he's gracious when he wins
Because otherwise somebody's going to put a knife in him
One day when he takes too much from somebody

Or when they do beat him
A few people have
But maybe someday somebody'll want something
He doesn't know how to give

That'll be tough
Seeing what goes down
If that should happen

If that should happen--
Well...

I gotta tell ya
That'd be hard to watch

All the Wars Maurice Survived

I don't remember details of everything
I am, what you would call, an eternal soldier
I was built to fight, and nothing else
First there was a Revolution
And memories to go along with it
Then a Division, and that has its own distinct recollections
I prefer the Revolution to the Division
But ultimately war is war
Death is death
A kill is a kill

My name is Maurice
And I am a soldier
And not a good one
That's why I've died so many times
Even a decent soldier would manage to survive at least one war
But I die during every war
Skirmishes and small bouts included
Always the first to go
Always surprised when I turn up again
On another battlefield
Already holding my gun
Already aware of
Why I'm there

I'm told there are some men
Who remember their time in the service
With great fondness
Unfortunately, I am not one of those men

Perhaps it's because I don't experience any side but the worst side
The first fire, the first shot, the impact, the blood, and the darkness

And then fall down the deepest hole
The longest fall you'll ever experience
And when you land, you land hard
And there's a jolt that rocks your entire body

You're alive
They need you to fight again

Sometimes--right before I die
Other memories will filter in
But I don't know if they're mine
I don't know who they belong to
And I don't know what time period
They fit into

So many of these images are...timeless

A woman speaking a language I don't know
Sits in a chair next to my bed
Smoking a cigarette and telling me a story
I don't understand

A man I'm friends with
Buys me a drink
And we toast to the war
And the war being over
And what we're going to do
Once we're free of the damn thing

Glasses clink
Mugs maybe, beer mugs
And we drink

We drink

And then there's a bar
A whole bar full of people
Men, only a few women
All singing a song
I can't make out the words too
Either because it's a distant memory
Or because everyone's slurring their words
It being late in the evening
The alcohol being strong
And exotic

Lying in a hammock
Somewhere in the jungle
Looking at a picture
Of a woman
And two children
And me standing next to them
Looking happy
And knowing somehow
That I'll never see them again

Watching the dawn come up
From that hammock
The sunshine pouring over the trees
Spreading down to where I am
Staining the picture
Letting me know it's time to stop daydreaming
And start my day

The last time I died
It was hot
A hot day
Or maybe I was just hot

I sweat a lot
No matter what war I'm in

But the ending was fast this time
I blinked and my life--
It was over

And I woke up
At a kitchen table
Tie around my neck
Food in front of me
On a nice plate
Clean silverware
There were...mashed potatoes
And...corn, I think

And someone was saying--

'Daddy?  Daddy?'

A child, a young child
A girl, maybe six

Then a woman--

'Maurice?  Honey?'

A very pretty woman
My wife
Kate

What am I doing here?
Why am I here?
I'm not supposed to be here
I'm a soldier
A soldier
I fight
That's what I do
Why am I--

'Pass the gravy, please.'

Kate looks at me
She knows I've been gone
That my attention
Has been elsewhere

'Honey, are you--'
'Kate, just pass the damn gravy, alright?'

She knows better than to say anymore
She passes me the gravy
I smother the mashed potatoes with it
Next to me, my daughter holds back tears

I'm not sure what to do
Other than what I know how to do

Are there no more wars?
Is there no more fighting left to do?
What am I supposed to do now?

Kate clears her throat

'How's your lamb?'--she asks

'Fine,' I say, not paying attention
To the sharpness in her tone

It's almost eight
I've worked all day
I'm tired
I've died so many times

And now--

'Good,' she says, chewing her food loudly
Squinting her eyes
Stabbing her lamb
With quick, short jabs

'I'm so glad it meets your approval'

And I say nothing

Not
A
Word

Because
The last thing I want to do
Is fight

Noah's Lifeboat

(A UNICORN and a CENTAUR sit in a lifeboat.  Neither one looks too happy.)

UNICORN:  We should have stayed on the ark.

CENTAUR:  With the tigers?  Why don't you think about that for a second.

UNICORN:  Nobody was getting eaten.

CENTAUR:  I heard about a monkey that got eaten.

UNICORN:  That asshole?  He was a castaway.  He would have been the third monkey.  You can't have three monkeys.

CENTAUR:  Why not?

UNICORN:  Because you can only have two of everything.  You can't have three monkeys.  Why should there be three monkeys when there are only two of everything else?

CENTAUR:  He still didn't deserve to be eaten.

UNICORN:  Now there's only one sloth and one giraffe too.

CENTAUR:  And what ate him?  A tiger.

UNICORN:  Well, if you're a monkey, and you try stowing away on a ship by hiding in a tiger's cage, you're sort of asking for trouble, wouldn't you say?

CENTAUR:  I didn't feel safe, and that's all there is to it.  You could have stayed if you wanted to.

UNICORN:  I didn't want to.

CENTAUR:  Why not?

UNICORN:  What was I going to do?  Let you go off on your own?

CENTAUR:  I didn't need you to come with me.  As soon as the water dries up, I'm going to be fine.  I don't mind living alone.

UNICORN:  Why didn't you ask Heather to come with you?

CENTAUR:  We talked about it, but then she started crying, and honestly--

UNICORN:  So you just took off?

CENTAUR:  I left a note.  She'll be fine.  One of Noah's sons is into her.  The weird one with the missing eye.

UNICORN:  But how would they--?

CENTAUR:  I mean, they can't procreate, but they can at least keep each other company.

UNICORN:  So the centaurs will just--

CENTAUR:  Look, it's not my responsibility to make sure my race continues.  If the Lord wanted there to be centaurs for the rest of time, then he shouldn't have drowned all but two of us.  And if he was going to drown all but two of us, then he should have made sure that one of the two of us left wasn't Heather.  She's insufferable.  I can't be expected to only mate with her for the rest of my life.  And even if I did, can you imagine the offspring we would produce?  Populating the world with more centaurs like her wouldn't be fulfilling some destiny, it would be tormenting humanity for generations to come.

UNICORN:  Poor Heather.

CENTAUR:  If you like her so much, why don't you mate with her?  It's not physically impossible, just not pleasant to think about.

UNICORN:  She's not my type.

CENTAUR:  What is your type?  You don't seem very interested in Jane either.

UNICORN:  Jane is a lovely unicorn, she's just not...

CENTAUR:  What?

UNICORN:  You're right.  The Lord should have picked someone else.  We're not a good match.

CENTAUR:  Okay, but you weren't seeing anyone before the Flood.  Who would you have picked?

UNICORN:  I don't know.

CENTAUR:  No, c'mon.  Tell me.  We need to learn to make conversation with each other about meaningless topics.  That's the only way lifelong friendships survive.

UNICORN:  I guess I would have picked...

CENTAUR:  Yes?

UNICORN:  ...You.

     (A beat.)

CENTAUR:  But I didn't drown in the...Oh...You mean you would have picked me for...Oh...you?

UNICORN:  Yes.

CENTAUR:  But I'm a centaur.

UNICORN:  I know.

CENTAUR:  I'm not--

UNICORN:  I know.

CENTAUR:  Oh...Wow.

UNICORN:  You asked.

CENTAUR:  No, I know.

     (Pause.)

Wow.

     (Lapping of water against the boat.)

CENTAUR:  You know I'm a male, right?

UNICORN:  (Forcefully.)  Yes.

CENTAUR:  Just...checking.

UNICORN:  It's like a cruel joke.  Expecting me to repopulate the world with unicorns.  I mean--doesn't He know?

CENTAUR:  Who?

UNICORN:  God!

CENTAUR:  About you?

UNICORN:  Yes.

CENTAUR:  I'm sure he does.

UNICORN:  Then why--

CENTAUR:  I don't know!  We all have to make sacrifices, don't we?  I mean, c'mon, he expected me to have sex with Heather.

UNICORN:  At least you're interested in Heather!

CENTAUR:  No, I'm not!

UNICORN:  More so than I am in Jane!

CENTAUR:  Not by much!

UNICORN:  Are you saying?

CENTAUR:  No, I'm not saying that.  I'm not saying that at all, but I'm just saying--I'm saying...God is mysterious.

UNICORN:  He certainly is.

     (A beat.)

Have we done some sort of...terrible disservice?  I mean...there won't be any more unicorns.

CENTAUR:  It's not like anyone will know.  I mean, stories might get told but...you can't miss something that's never been there.

UNICORN:  Maybe there are others like us who survived?  You know, in spite of the Flood?

CENTAUR:  I don't know.  I think if there's one thing the Lord is, it's thorough.

UNICORN:  Yeah.

    (Short pause.)

Besides, even if I met someone--

CENTAUR:  Creating new unicorns would be--

UNICORN:  Right.

CENTAUR:  Then again, who knows what we'll find...after the Flood?  There could be new kinds of unicorns--and centaurs.  Unicorns that are like...you know, not like Jane, but like...me...but can also...you know...have baby unicorns...and stuff.

UNICORN:  Right.

CENTAUR:  We shouldn't look at this as some kind of ending.  It's a start, right?  The start of something.  A brand new world.

UNICORN:  Right.

CENTAUR:  From this point on, anything is possible.  Our new lives are going to be amazing.

UNICORN:  You are going to stay with me, right?  You're not just going to...go off on your own?

CENTAUR:  Well, like I said, I don't mind being alone.

UNICORN:  Oh.

CENTAUR:  ...But I don't love the idea either.

     (The UNICORN smiles, as best as unicorns can.)

UNICORN:  I feel...hopeful.

CENTAUR:  I do too.  Which is odd, considering the deity I believed in essentially just committed mass murder and then stuck me with a gay unicorn on a lifeboat.

UNICORN:  (Shrugs--again, as best as a unicorn can.)  Mysterious, right?

CENTAUR:  Very mysterious.  Very, very mysterious.

     (The water laps against the boat, and somewhere in the distance, a dove flaps its wings.)

The Communist Goes Speed Dating

Hi, how are you?  I'm Ivan.
You're very pretty.
Well, uh, let's see--
I'm a Leo
Love dogs--LOVE dogs
And, uh, I'm a Communist
No, no, I don't live ON a commune
I, uh, well--do you know anything about Marx?
No, not Zeppo--I don't even--
I mean, uh--

-- Ding --

...It's mostly redistribution of wealth
And, you know, no class system
No money, no one percent
Well, I mean, there would be one percent
It's just that the one percent would be part of the rest of the...percent
So it would be like a hundred percent
...Of people...
...Who are...
...You know, it's really more political than mathematical--

-- Ding --

I was like, Trotsky, take the axe out of your head
It's not funny anymore
We get it, we get it
You have an axe in your head
You're going to die
But at the moment, you're fatally injured
And you're still challenging everybody to chess matches
But please, can't you just--

-- Ding --

...What nobody tells you is that Chinese politicians
Are HYSTERICAL!
I was at this fundraiser for something--
--Some, like, Denounce Free Speech thing--
They're always going on about that
And this General leans over and whispers to me
The BEST knock-knock joke I have ever--

-- Ding --

What you have to know about Putin is
The guy is OBSESSED with ponies
Obsessed with them
And I don't mean, like, playing the ponies either
I mean, he has the largest collection of My Little Pony memorabilia
Outside of--

-- Ding --

Czar?  I don't know
Czar you?

-- Ding --

My aunt actually runs an adult novelty store
That's right near here
I could probably get you a discount on her bigger--

-- Ding --

So, it's like, if you have three grapes
And I only have one grape
Then I kill you
...Wait, sorry, I think I'm getting this wrong

-- Ding --

Have you ever seen Reds?
It's pretty much Reds
I think
I mean, I've never actually made it
All the way through Reds
It's like eight hours long
And I can't watch Warren Beatty
For more than five minutes
Like, I can tell he knows that he's just, like, the toast of 70's Hollywood
But now you look at him
And he looks like somebody threw Kevin Bacon
Into a toaster oven
Oh my God!  Bacon--oven--is that--
Anyway, it's pretty much Reds

-- Ding --

Oh, you're a Republican?
Uh...
Yeah, I'm not sure
This is going to work out

-- Ding --